"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"

in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody

First kid to the door gets the biggest scoop

getting the candy washed and ready to go for halloween night

YES

Huh. I could swear I remember South Africa being pro-apartheid. Mandela effect?

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Florida c'mon man

Me: if you could go back in time would you kill Hitler as a baby inventor of time travel, drunk: I’d kill Betty White right before she turned 100

i got nothin against new england. love their hot fish yogurt

(Leatherface bursts onto the screen wielding a chainsaw and wearing a mask made out of someone else's face) Me to the kid i'm babysitting: He represents Grief

There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button

me making $8/hr at a drive thru in 2011: god, this fucking sucks. i hope things are better 10 years from now. god: i can make one of the senators bisexual i guess

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him

added the dancing robot footage over Gil Scott-Heron's "Whitey On The Moon" just to see how it'd sync up

can't wait to die, and also in this game

watch me die

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?