Danny Wallace
@dannywallace
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I don't understand. - Police are protecting a statue from people who want to protect it from people who don't seem to be there. - Meanwhile the man who stopped us all from having to salute like a Nazi is celebrated by men doing Nazi salutes. I mean, it's very 2020, but still.
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Diesel-smelling Top Gear host who threatened climate protestors misses butterflies.
Just been for a walk round the farm and I’m a bit alarmed by how few butterflies there are. Something is afoot.
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UK on Friday: I worry about heating my home this winter. UK on Wednesday: I worry about having a home this winter.
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I should only pay taxes for the six roads I use.
I pay the BBC licence fee and these are the only services I ever use. Good value for money. ?🤷🏻♀️
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You lose all sense of taste with Covid so how long has he had it
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Reading this in a pub? Showing the virus what for?.You've misunderstood. In times of terrorism, go to the pub to show the enemy that unbeatable British spirit! .In a pandemic, do not go to the pub, because the enemy might follow you home and kill your nan. This tweet was free.
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I am 80% sure I could do this.
Kate Middleton arrives at nursery to serve kids breakfast. Is there anything she can't do?
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Tomorrow when the Spectator comes for @marcusrashford, Marcus Rashford has already made it so that the world comes for the Spectator. This feels like a new type of power - home-made and decent - that old media can't yet get to grips with.
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Andrew Neil can work from home in France. Richard Littlejohn can work from home in Florida. But you can't work from home. You have to get up earlier, see your kids less, lose hours to expensive commutes, nestle into strangers' armpits, get home late, wake up exhausted. Repeat.
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Great call on @lbc just now. MAN: “I just want to thank you Nigel, for all you’ve done for British politics. I was an ardent remainer. I voted remain. Until one moment that changed it all”. FARAGE: “Wow. And what was that moment?”. MAN: “I got kicked in the head by a horse.”.
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Imagine telling the men's squad, "so go out there tomorrow and really enjoy yourselves!".
BREAKING: Prince William has said "sorry we can't be there in person" as he wished the Lionesses good luck ahead of the Women's World Cup final tomorrow. 📺 Sky 501, Virgin 602, Freeview 233 and YouTube
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Marcus Rashford is the Britain we used to be, want to be and are supposed to be.
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Imagine being Nigel Farage and thinking - despite my racism and insistence that my country must have control of its own borders - the Djokovic family need me, a foreigner, to tell a foreign country what to do with their borders. Never elected. Just a boring man.
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On Sunday @matthancock said there had been "only" 36 deaths, so we were "winning" the battle. There were 233 today - does that mean we're losing again?. Asking for a country.
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I just can’t choose between her and Therese Coffey.
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The idea that "the French" are all furious about Brexit is absurd. I was in France this week. It's already treated as a bizarre piece of history. They moved on immediately. No one is out to punish us. We did that to ourselves.
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I WAS LOOKING AT TRACTORS!.I WAS TESTING MY EYES!.I WAS AMBUSHED BY CAKE!.THE SEA WAS CLOSED!.#ToryStory.
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We all know the types of people that do the kind of hounding that leads to someone feeling the way she must've. They're doing it to Meghan, they're doing it to Jameela, they'll give you crocodile tears tomorrow and be doing it again by Friday.
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New Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng immediately crashing the pound to a 37 year low and then yelling "it's only been 19 days, I've just got started!" is less a boast and more a warning.
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J.Lo is great shorthand for Jennifer Lopez, but it's not something you should try if you're Pete Doherty.
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Katie Hopkins being removed from Twitter is only censorship in the way a bouncer asking the loud screaming racist in the corner to leave the bar is censorship.
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Bill Turnbull was my friend. He was hilarious, with a huge brain. He sent me a book just recently which I'll treasure. I sent him a Beano. I got a dog because one day in his kitchen he told me to get a dog. He was a brilliant man. I'll miss you, pal. I'll look after the dog. x.
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Fiona Bruce has a great way of stepping in before a non-Tory point might get applause, interrupting a flow at a crucial moment, or ignoring a tricky audience question by saying "let's just get another point". #questiontime.
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I actually met Allison Pearson once, and it was (eek) quite a fun story! We were in a cafe when a vicar quietly walked in. He ordered a tea, and as he took off his coat a Bible fell from his pocket, and when I turned round Allison burst into a black cloud of 2000 screaming bats.
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Hey, we do that kind of thing too now!.
Russian police arrested this protester for holding a blank sheet of paper, claiming it was ‘illegal activity’
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That we might get a Sir Stanley Johnson instead of a Sir Gary Lineker tells you all you need to know.
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My heart goes out to all the teachers, helpless. If the government is so desperate to start the schools, start vaccinating the teachers. #vaccinationtheneducation.
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"Can you imagine the reaction if I had said the same thing as Jo Brand?" says Nigel Farage, a non-comedian who has non-jokingly endorsed the use of rifles in front of non-joking crowds in non-joking rooms full of non-joking people who non-jokingly defend rape jokes.
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I was just asked to do my first interview on GB News!
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I like how Boris Johnson uses "Islingtonian" as such an insult. I used to drive past his big house almost every day. It was in Islington.
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Imagine not being able to say sorry. Imagine telling your kids, “don’t apologise for breaking that window. Tell the man there was no window. When he points at it, say you don’t recognise it as a window. Or better still, get all your mates to do it for you. -->.
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Brits escaping genuinely terrifying conditions the only way they can: small boats. And praising the help and humanity they receive as a result. Many will be put up in safe hotels. This is a good and humane thing.
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If you are at Parliament Square tonight and intending to burn an EU flag to show what a winner you are, please remember that thanks to sensible EU Safety Standards, it is likely it will not catch fire. You should instead use your own 100% British polyester trousers.
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Every time I see Rishi Sunak on TV it's like seeing the posh guy trying to fit in at a stag do.
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I love this whole thing about how Gary Lineker should be respectful to the BBC because they pay him. Gary Lineker could work anywhere he likes. They pay him because they want him. The idea he's therefore not allowed to say surrounding our country in sewage is bad, is hilarious.
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Imagine if every big business could do a real-world kindness like Timpson. The ONLY place I'll ever get my car key battery changed.
Just met a young man who took us up on the offer of free dry cleaning for his interview clothes…and got the job!
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"You've got the same 24 hours in a day that Beyonce's got.". Beyonce doesn't have to put the bins out.
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Well, the way Zelenskyy was treated by men with a quarter of his IQ and a tenth of his patriotism and a millionth of his bravery is one of the most stressful things you can watch if you have a brain or a heart.
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"A reliable source has informed us that in early February, two months after the risk level was raised to high, Education Secretary Gillian Keegan remarked, ‘We just need to keep the lid on this for two years and then it’s someone else’s problem.’".
A whistleblower exclusively tells East Anglia Bylines the education secretary deliberately mounted a cover-up of the RAAC dangers. | Reporting: @celinabledowska & JJ Jackson.
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And so many of them went to State Schools. I love that. I love it so much. We need a break from Eton/Winchester types. We need people who went to schools like ours, who had mates like our mates, who understand normal life and what you can and can't afford.
Take it in. The first female chancellor. The first housing secretary who's actually lived in social housing. The first education secretary who was on free school meals. An energy secretary who actually believes in aggressively fighting climate change. Not a bad afternoon.
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"We've got the jabs, we just need the arms". We've also got the masks, man. We just need the leadership.
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Let me be the first to say that Grant Shapps HAS to go.
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@MattHancock WE were protecting the NHS. YOU weren’t. WE sacrificed. YOU didn’t. You are not part of the “we”. I don’t want to see you on the back benches. I don’t want to see you anywhere.
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Please just announce a government of national unity. Get the best and the brightest, whatever party they're from. Use former PMs to lead proper response teams with whichever experts they know from experience. Get a proper team on vaccines. Get a plan.
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This is the first time anyone outside an American film has walked out of their job carrying a box. It's all about wanting to be seen.
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Slim down the Royal Family to 5 decent main ones. Make anyone from Eton sit an exam about heating & eating, or do work experience at a Burger King. Introduce a Voting Test before any referendum. Politicians banned from Light Ent shows. Bring back Kellogg's Start cereal. Let's go.
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Call their bluff on the armband thing. Wear it. Get a yellow. Watch the world boo FIFA and Qatar on billions of screens. Stand for something.
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It's like watching a country have a mid-life crisis. We left our partner, said we'd be better off, then our new relationship didn't work out so we lie to everyone about how great we're doing and then get a tattoo.
All government buildings in England, Wales and Scotland to fly Union flag every day
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Fiona Bruce introducing @campbellclaret as a “podcaster”. Let’s introduce her as a “trinkets enthusiast.” #bbcqt.
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A lot of young people complain about not being able to afford a castle - yes, castles have gone up in value, but have you tried simply inheriting one?.
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Been watching these people at Trafalgar Square. Angry at the government. Angry at scientists. Angry at the Left, the police, angry at BLM. Angry at being called conspiracy theorists while cheering *DAVID ICKE*. Angry at the BBC. Angry at experts. Maybe they're just angry.
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The media needs to take its share of responsibility for violence and division. Stop putting grifters on the Politics Show. Stop the con men on Question Time. Stop unfeeling narcissists on Have I Got News For You. Stop showing the softer side of psychopaths on I'm a Celebrity.
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Delighted to announce I have abandoned my plans to develop and build my own lawnmower from scratch and will instead collaborate with Flymo.
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I think with the highest daily death rate since March, it would be great for access-journalists to maybe ask for a reaction from the PM. Because every one of the 223 people who died in the last 24 hours have people crying right now. And they can't just pretend it's not happening.
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Reality show where Rishi Sunak has to live on less than £10,000 a day.
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It's quite startling that for the second time in three years, the Tories are blatantly letting people die to make millions for their friends - and no one's talking about storming any Bastilles.
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I'm struggling to believe this is true. So the files they had were on the one laptop, were they? No one ever backed them up. They can't be recovered. They didn't end up in the cloud. No one ever emailed them. They were just on that one laptop.
Grenfell files ‘lost forever’ after laptop wiped, inquiry hears.
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I now present a thread in which we all name British national heroes of age 50 and over who should be Sirs or Dames instead of Sir Gavin Williamson. I’ll start. Sir Mister Tumble of Reading.
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Good morning to every hungover man or woman nervously standing at the curtains at their mum’s house scanning the street corners for police vans while deleting their WhatsApp videos!.
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I only say the obvious because our government doesn't seem to see the obvious: . 1.5 million Ukrainians need a roof, a meal, and some friends to give temporary warmth and safety. We've issued 50 visas. Britain needs to do its bit. We're better than Johnson and Patel. 🇺🇦 🇬🇧.
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Ok nigel. Channel 4 is now hiring actors to make you seem racist, and the Daily Mail is working with the Kremlin because the global elites are so scared of you taking. Clacton. 1/2.
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Elon Musk made $36 billion just yesterday! That's more than most people make in a YEAR!.
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Omitting the extra G from Gregg is a wonderful Rod Stewart move. And I say that as a Wallace.
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I like Stewart Lee but I question his involvement in this whole Colleen/Vardy thing
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Leicester Square brewing up trouble. Hundreds here. Men throwing pint glasses into the air, trees ripped up, flares, bottles thrown at windows. It’s not even 2pm.
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"There are things the public can do. If you are in a crowded place, wear that face mask. It makes a difference, it really does."
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In a world where everyone is suddenly trying to be Hitler, the best way to show you're not fascist is a jocular chat in a teacup.
Ed Davey has just done an interview about the UK rejoining the single market whilst on the teacups
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Absolutely fuming that Britain has surrendered sovereignty of the largely uninhabited Chagos Islands, which are 6000 miles away and which you cannot really visit and which I first heard about several hours ago.
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Very very powerful call on @mrjamesob right now. From a man given the job of stopping grieving families desperate to push past him at funerals. "I feel like an idiot," he says, on the verge of tears. #PartyGate.
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How are all the right-wing radio hosts making fun of the heatwave warnings yesterday morning covering the subsequent wildfires and loss of homes *this* morning? Just pretending they didn’t?.
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Just bought a stack of A4 and was immediately arrested.
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Absolute pricks are easy to spot, because they know literally nothing.
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Less a shocking invasion, more a family.
EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF BEACH LANDING BY MIGRANTS. Shocking invasion on the Kent Coast taken this morning.
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Getting a peerage these days is like getting a blue tick. You have to pay for it and there’s a high chance you’re an idiot.
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"We know we have put unbearable pressures on your lives and ruined your children's futures and lied and lied and enriched our friends and killed a bunch of your grandparents. so shall we say £192 and you vote for us again?".
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Keep going, Sky! You're so close to working it out!.
Why are UK businesses being hit by shortages at the moment?
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I'm not sure if the UK really needs this platform any more. Like, it feels like the air would be cleaner if we just woke up without it.
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I can't stop thinking about David Amess's family. To not be able to say goodbye to a man who's always been there to them. Dreadful, shocking, tragic, unforgivable, awful and unfair.
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I would like to know if Kier Starmer declared this meal deal
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I think Rylan is terrific. But of course I understand that no tabloid journalist would ever do drugs.
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"We'll call it the NHS app so people trust it!". - "And will it work with NHS tests?". "No.".
@DamoB1970 Hi Damian, . If your test took place in a Public Health England lab or NHS hospital, or as part of national surveillance testing conducted by the Office for National Statistics, test results cannot currently be linked with the app whether they’re positive or negative. Thanks.
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The only acceptable stance.
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.@nigel_farage Now you've slapped down a charity that saves lives at sea, you should totally take on Dr Barnardo's! .They help children no matter WHERE they're from!.After that you could do Great Ormond Street!.
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Nurses. Posties. Train drivers. Paramedics. THE VERY WORST OF BRITAIN!. Only our brave distant Tory billionaires truly care for us.
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We need to ban headers in football outright.
If you agree please change your profile photo and post your own video saying exactly the same
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Part of me feels like Boris Johnson just really likes talking to Marcus Rashford.
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We might soon start the deportation of unaccompanied children. Unaccompanied children.
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Hey @theresa_may - cancel the visit. Don’t embarrass us, the Queen, and every living thing in the UK.
US announces it is withdrawing from the UN Human Rights Council, calling it "a protector of human rights abusers"
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I know we have the highest death toll in Europe and the worst-hit economy in UK history, but try and remember that we still hold all the cards.
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