Cherie Priest, Allegedly
@cmpriest
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Could be anyone for all you know | Is actually Cherie Priest, tho | Book rep: @StaciaDecker at DCL; film: Tara Timinsky, Grandview LA | Cherie.priest @gmail .com
Seattle, WA (via FL/TX/TN)
Joined May 2008
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when you were such a legend that the Alamo remembers *you*
Visitors have asked daily about the basement at the Alamo thanks to the 1985 movie “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.” We're grateful for Paul Reubens' unforgettable contribution to pop culture. There is no basement in the Alamo Church, but there is one under our gift shop! Rest in peace.
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Overheard in Lowe’s as a new employee is being trained
New guy: [looks at me] should I offer to help her?
Boss: no, she’s just Halloween people, she’s probably fine
First of all how dare you
Second I’ll be taking this skeleton pumpkin and good day sir I SAID GOOD DAY
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Lunching at Chipolte, and a little girl maybe 3-4 years old just screamed a man into an apology after he opened a door and (entirely by accident, to be clear) whapped her in the face. “I AM STANDING HERE AND I AM A PERSON!” Hold on to that fire, kiddo.
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Went to clean/fill the bird baths and heard someone say, “Hello? HELLO?” I thought I was losing my mind - but it turns out that the crows who frequent the patio baths have spent enough time around humans that they have picked up both basic greetings and passive aggression.
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Epilogue: I went home and threw my sneakers in the washing machine, and these two are still smiling because Chunk’s momma told them they were very good and gave them pettings.
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Things overheard whilst a zippy Pomeranian named "Chunk" escaped his yard and chased after me while I walked Greyson and Lucy this morning. A thread:
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did I leave the stove on?
no, I’m a fucking cat
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He came up to say hello and then belched in my face and left.
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We found her this morning, lying on this same heating vent. She took a nap on her favorite warm spot, and never woke up. She was ancient and powerful and loved. That we all should be so lucky. (1996?-2019)
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digging in the yard, you say? no, haven’t seen anybody doing any digging, why do you ask.
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Still thinking about that crazyfaced Roman wolf mosaic for um, no reason at all
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This is maybe like 5% of the number of people who routinely show up for DragonCon
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Am in a McDonalds next to a table full of teenagers - all of whom screamed out loud at the emergency presidential text alert. To the girl who’s still beating her phone up and down on the table while shouting “This! Mother! Fucker!”....I salute you.
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So many little eclipse shadows...filtered through the trees :)
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I just reflexively yelled “No!” and kicked a chicken bone off the sidewalk. My dogs are at home. I am at Target.
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don’t bother, I already checked; that’s not why
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It never fails to crack me up when I get Amazon delivery confirmations that feature Quinnie looking all judgey through the storm door
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If Nancy Pelosi was a character in a book, everybody would fucking love her. 80 year old woman who plays the game with powerful men and stays on top despite ::gestures at the state of the world:: Jesus Christ. There’d be fanfic crossovers with Granny Weatherwax and Cher.
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Literally no self-employed person I know overlooked this.
An overlooked benefit of the ACA is the ability for entrepreneurs and contractors to take risk and create business and jobs.
#keepmyACA
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::looks around at the state of the world::
::throws up hands::
Fuck it, just open the thing. Unleash a hoard of supernatural scarab beetles and a powerful undead king hellbent for vengeance against a world that bound, entombed, and forgot him. Can't hurt, might help.
A Massive, Black Sarcophagus Has Been Unearthed in Egypt, And Nobody Knows Who's Inside
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::clears throat::
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Haha ha hahahahaha.
Heh.
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Read a thing the other day where a woman did her makeup, then put in her contacts. My forever favorite, though - the one where a punk chick put on her steel-boned corset before she put on her knee-high lace-up boots.
Signs that the book you're reading was written by a man:
A female character, who has been described as wearing "close-fitting" jeans, is given an envelope with $500 inside. She puts it into her front jeans pocket. Then she sits down comfortably.
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tfw you don’t just have to work twice as hard as a man, you can achieve double his success - only to have his quantifiably lesser accomplishments deemed “equally impressive”
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Me: "Yeah, sorry about that."
Her: "No, I'm sorry - and he deserves the fuck out of the bath he's about to get."
And SCENE.
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A guy try to pick me up at DragonCon; I thanksbutnothanks’d him, so he did the “probably a fake geek girl anyway” thing. I was like okay first of all I am 42 years old and second this is my goddamn panel.
once a guy hit on me by offering to introduce me to the keynote speaker at an event where I was the keynote speaker
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no I was not digging why would you even
you should trust your doggo
am insult
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"AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA BE MAD ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT YOU FAT LITTLE FERRET IN A BEAR SUIT!"
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Ladies, we’ve gotta work on our aim.
A second sinkhole opened up by the WH a year to the day after the first one by Mar a Lago. That suggests a certain occult symmetry.
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To paraphrase the late, great Bette Davis: You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say the good. Rush Limbaugh is dead. Good.
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@MichelleHux
People who hate animals - but cats in particular. Not merely people who don’t care for cats, but people who hate and would happily harm one. 100% of the time they have serious (usually unexamined) issues with women.
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What’s the greatest phone call scene you’ve ever seen?
What’s the greatest phone call scene you’ve ever seen?
Hate to be such a stereotypical screenwriter, but…
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Me: we brought home the most raggedy-ass cat at the shelter, lol
Me not quite 2 weeks later: my handsome lad, just *look* at him, he is perfection
(5/27 vs. 6/8)
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When I see pieces like this, I always think of
@Gwenda
- who once said that Superman is only boring if you think being good is easy.
DC Films still doesn’t know what to do with Superman, the studio reportedly is unsure how to make the character “relevant to modern audiences”
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Y'all enjoy the high road, if you like. I'll be down here honking my horn in the low road traffic jam.
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anyway good night from a fluffy goblin who was dodging cars and eating garbage four months ago, and now must be tucked in to his favorite blankie or else he howls
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ME: "IT'S OKAY! YOU CAN LOOK! THEY WON'T HURT HIM, THEY LIKE LITTLE DOGS!" (this woman was down the block, on the other side of the street, incoming)
WOMAN: "YOU DON'T KNOW THE LITTLE SHIT LIKE I DO! HE'LL BITE THEIR ANKLES AND THEY'LL SNACK HIM!"
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Hello, I am at a corgi birthday party. The whole litter turns one today!
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This is the greatest goddamn thing I have ever seen please someone tell me who created it, that I may credit them
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One dog is just happy to be headed home from the groomer. One...will remember the indignities suffered upon this day.
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Today is terrible and I can’t fix that, but my dogs wanted a snack and I had leftover sweet potato fries from Drae’s Lake Route Eatery. So here goes a long, blurry thread that’s just dogs eating sweet potato fries. For your enjoyment.
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"You get your fat furry ass back here, Chunk! You know what you are? You are BRUNCH when those dogs catch you!"
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Me: [140-pounds of woman attempting to corral approximately 200 pounds of dog while approximately 5 pounds of dog weaves between her feet looking for fresh things to pee on]
Also me: [gets feet peed on]
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"HE'S A HORRIBLE LITTLE SHIT AND I LOVE HIM, PLEASE DON'T LET THEM EAT HIM!"
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Exactly four years ago, we took a chance on an anxious, sickly momma dog who’d been pulled by a rescue from a high-kill shelter with her puppies - in hopes that she’d nurse a Bonus! litter of orphans. She did! And then they all went up for adoption. (then/today)
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Lucy: [IS 100% HERE FOR THIS NEW GAME]
Chunk: [BEGINS PEEING ON EVERYTHING WITHIN REACH]
Greyson: [IS ALSO A BOY DOG AND EVERYONE KNOWS THE LAST BOY-DOG TO PEE ON THE SPOT WINS]
Chunk: [IS UP FOR THE CHALLENGE]
Lucy: [STILL JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH HER NEW LITTLE FRIEND]
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Yes yes, still mostly on hiatus - but how could I miss the opportunity to celebrate an anniversary? 3 years ago today we adopted this little monster. She was very sick and very skinny; now she’s healthy as can be and...fluffy. Also she’s on a diet.
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Hey young people: your school can’t fire *me* for passing along this QR code for a FREE LIBRARY CARD from the Brooklyn library (good all over the country!) for the purposes of getting FREE EBOOKS - banned or otherwise!
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GLORY TO THIS CAR and to the kickass nerds who drive it
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she gave birth in a what now
did she clothesline the baby or
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Twitter crop is gone so you don’t have to click to be blessed by the judgey cat of disappoint
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Chunk: [arrives] [dive-bombs Lucy's ankles]
Lucy: [IS DELIGHTED]
Greyson: [IS APPALLED AND ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE]
Me: [tries not to step on Chunk while simultaneously trying to keep own dogs under control]
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@sonjajohanson
@Jayne_Martin
are we just adding bad take tweets to the first bad take tweet or what, I don't get it
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Chunk's Momma: [arrives, out of breath] [scoops up Chunk] [hugs Chunk tightly] [realizes Chunk is now spattered in pee, some of it not his own] [quite reasonably sets Chunk back down on the ground] "DEAR GOD."
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"NAW, I'M JUST LYIN'. COME BACK, CHUNK! I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A SNACK! YOU'RE MY LITTLE SNACK! MOMMA LOVES YOU! COME TO MOMMA!"
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@BillKristol
If people are entitled to forcibly manage my uterus, I am entitled to stand on their sidewalk, Bill.
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tfw you’re an 80-pound guard dog but it’s just too scary to walk past the three-legged cat who’s missing half his teeth
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@Death_Bow
The other day I overheard a teenager telling her mom the shapeless baggy flannels in the 90s looked stupid - and mom snapped back that those flannels were all bought from Goodwill for 50 cents and they were made for old men, not high school girls.
#GenXmomFTW
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"THEY ARE GONNA EAT YOU! DON'T DO IT! I LOVE YOU, CHUNK, GET BACK HERE!"
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Me at 20: I’m a Young Republican, lol
Everybody: You’ll get even more conservative as you get older
Me at 44: EAT THE RICH and PUNCH THE NAZIS and SOMEONE COME HELP ME with these GODDAMN BARRICADES
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Welp, here you go on a chilly Monday: my new favorite pic of Lucy 😃
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prescribing doc for my ADHD meds: Do you have procrastination issues?
me: sir I am 46 years old and only just now getting off my ass to deal with my procrastination issues
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I read this headline three times before I figured out exactly how bad it needed an Oxford comma.
Newt Gingrich, a three-star Air Force general and former publicist for Michael Jackson and Prince want to create a $2 billion sweepstakes to see who can establish and run the first lunar base
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eventually locals will whisper about the phantom dudebro who always hitchhikes from this very spot and when you try to drop him off at the club he’s gone but you can still smell him, true story
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these came in the mail yesterday so Drunk Cherie and I need to have a word
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@BBolander
@HillaryMonahan
Roughly what their relationship was like, tbh ::pours one out for the dearly departed elder cat::
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@TSA_Northeast
@SyracuseAirport
@TSA
gosh, if you honestly thought any one of them could be a bomb, maaaaybe you wouldn't throw them all together like that.... but what would I know
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@ask_aubry
oh I’m sure she *did* learn something, and while it was awful, may it galvanize her against the cruel people she will meet as she grows up - and inspire her to fight them
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"FOR CHRISSAKE CHUNK DON'T DO IT! DON'T RUN UP ON THAT LADY! DON'T RUN UP ON THOSE DOGS!"
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What a world, where an American president says, in front of God and everybody, that he wants to kill the USPS *specifically because* he doesn’t want people to vote against him and then isn’t IMMEDIATELY strapped to a rocket and fired into the sun.
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Apparently it is
#rescuecatday
, so here’s our Absolute Unit. (Plus a pic taken the day after some friends popped the hood of their car to find out what was making that funny noise...only to discover a kitten in the engine block.)
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@NelleBot
@LadyHawkins
Once Greyson threw up at least a gallon of barf all over the only carpeted room in the house after he ate a roadkill snake. I just stood there thinking, “I need an adult.”
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@caroljsroth
I worked three jobs through school and still left owing more money than I made in a year until I was in my late thirties. And that was 20 years ago. I was so broke that some days, I didn’t eat unless I had a shift at Subway. Come on, get your head out of your ass.
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This a.m. around 4:00, Lucy determinedly whined and fussed at the side of the bed, trying to tell us something was wrong. Turned out, our smoke/co2 detector was going off upstairs and we hadn’t heard it. It was just be a dead battery, but still - nice to know she’s on duty 👍
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The world is run by men who'd eat paint chips on CSPAN if they were getting money from the lead lobby.
Rep. Louie Gohmert thinks that it’s possible that wearing a mask gave him COVID.
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So...that ran later than anticipated (which was awesome, to be clear) but I don’t have the bandwidth right now to do a proper puppy thread. Instead, for now, here is Kana chomping on my sweater - and I’ll hook you up with the rest of the pics tomorrow 😆
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wtf is happening rn
"California is gonna have to ration water. You wanna know why? Because they send millions of gallons of water out to sea, out to the Pacific. Because they want to take care of certain little tiny fish, that aren't doing very well without water." -- Trump
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Hi! I’m an Army brat. Fox and all of its supporters - every last one! - can fuck All The Way off. Then, when they see a billboard on the interstate that says “no fucking off past this point” I want them to pack a lunch and go All The Way There.
Pete Hegseth joined
@foxandfriends
to complain that veterans who use the benefits they've earned are "dependent" on the government and lack "personal integrity".
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