Melissa F. Olson, Acquired Taste
@MelissaFOlson
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I turn Diet Coke into books. #EDS patient, pit bull advocate, shenanigans enthusiast. She/her. Everything you want to know:
Madison, WI
Joined March 2009
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Want NEW Old World content? I'm releasing an all-new Sashi/Will Vegas novella over on Patreon!
Patrons can also access a huge catalogue of original content, including
#FrankieSteinOlson
pics, photos from cons & book locations, deleted novel scenes, & more!
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Signs that the book you're reading was written by a man:
A female character, who has been described as wearing "close-fitting" jeans, is given an envelope with $500 inside. She puts it into her front jeans pocket. Then she sits down comfortably.
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Welp, got an angry message on the ole internets today cursing me out for too many pictures of Frankie. “Stop posting about your fucking dog all the time, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!” was the quote.
So, obviously, here’s another picture of my dog.
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Police stopped a shooter outside my kids’ schools today. Students are still hiding in case of an accomplice.
My autistic 9th grader is texting me from a cabinet. Her legs are asleep & she’s very hungry.
1st response was mom guilt: I should’ve packed a snack in case of shooting.
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The scene ends w/her making an unreciprocated sexual advance to the guy who gave her the money-- because, the author notes, "the money had clearly set her juices flowing."
I'm thinking she just wanted to take off the damn jeans.
#whenmenwritewomen
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Library of Sighs is the new title of my autobiography.
By the age of 35, every woman should:
- be walking around the house saying, “Why is every single light on? Do I look like I’m made of money? Open a curtain for once, will you?”
- wonder aloud why this room that she just tidied is messy again
- have developed a library of sighs
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Math is not my strong suit. How much do I have to spend to equal the cost of her being in a cabinet afraid for her life all day? What number makes up for giving her this *gestures at contemporary America*?
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Btw, I consider this the be-all and end-all on women’s pants: and, surprise, written by a dude. Who us my hero.
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We've been informed that the shooter was a student at this school. The police kept the other students in the building after his death so they could question them. Parents were not present.
I feel like someone should be talking about that.
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I’ve talked to both kids. Elder is still in a cabinet, still hungry. I’ve promised her Culvers as soon as she can leave. I said get ANYTHING.
I want to go bigger. I want to promise a waterpark trip, a new computer, a plane to Hawaii. I’ll remortgage my home. More credit cards.
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Do you have ANY IDEA how many great urban fantasy book series there are
A True Blood reboot is reportedly in early development at HBO, just six years after its series finale.
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The moment I was told my kids are safe, my writer/TV watcher brain kicked in to imagine all the ways the police could be wrong about that. All the little scenarios played out in my head.
I won’t list them here. There were a lot. This is not a recommended way to spend your time.
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I literally wear a cargo jacket around my house during the day, even in summer, because pockets.
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“Throw money at it” is a cowardly and capitalistic reaction, I know. I’m not proud of it. But as I wait for my daughter to get permission to leave the cabinet, I don’t know what else I can take on to make this better.
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Update: My two autistic kids are home safe, relaxing w/a Scooby-Doo movie.
5 hrs after the shooting, I had to go to the police & pull my "special needs parent" card to get them out.
8 hrs after the shooting, the other high school kids are only just now getting to go home.
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I could write about this experience…but others have already said everything. I have nothing new to add to the conversation about people shouldn’t get to have guns. My beliefs are not exceptional. My voice is not original. It’s just that this time, it was my kid.
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Nothing will change because this happened. But it will change my kids. I *really* wish I could make it up to them.
I guess I’ll start packing snacks in case of a shooter.
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When the robot called this morning to tell me a gunman was roaming around by my kids, I actually thought about how unexceptional it was. In America, we say I love you, we run drills, we pray…then we roll the dice. And we know we’re rolling.
Today is just the day my family lost.
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No one tells you you can't hug your kids right after someone w/a gun tries to kill them. The danger part was over for them, but the being scared part lasted another 5-8 hrs.
So why keep the kids there? The shooter was stopped quickly; why not let the kids be w/their families?
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Again, my kids are unhurt. Elder just texted that she’s out of the cupboard and locked down in a classroom. No one knows anything about the shooter.
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Frankie in the hammock with me. Bc of that expression I am obligated to report thatHE was the one who wanted to come up.
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@sweetgumiho
@Chitown_Sara
@KameronHurley
The biggest slap in the face, of course, was when clothing designers took a shot at making reasonable jeans, and then designated them ...boyfriend jeans. As though all we ever wanted was the delicious musk of our men in there.
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@JWTroemner
@JLeaLopez
That's a good question. It IS established that she knits a lot. Maybe she knitted extra-big pockets. If so, they clearly didn't interfere w/her attractiveness, bc "She was slim and blond; probably in her late forties but looking good for it."
#whenmenwritewomen
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@BethGlover
@DrJenGunter
I'm "liking" this, but only because Twitter doesn't have a "I agree; this is bullshit" symbol I can conveniently press.
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oh my god it's back, it's back
I pet Winifred. She is 12 weeks old and was born on Halloween. She is named after Winifred Sanderson from Hocus Pocus. Winnie may be little, but she already goes on long walks. She likes to annoy her older sister Pepper by chewing on her ears. Winnie chews on everything but toys.
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@the_grimdragon
I mean, I think we all were. Otherwise why would we care later, when she is brutally murdered?
(PS no word on what happened to the magic pants after death. Apparently they weren't bulletproof, though)
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For those who have asked: I have no interest in naming the author in question (though I can’t stop you from finding him yourself). Everything he’s doing is done ALL the time, esp in the mystery genre. I’m more interested in the larger prob than shaming one person.
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Tbh I was a little down yesterday about this message (it was a whole thing), & I tweeted just sort of to make myself feel better. Now I'm overwhelmed by the messages of support (and pics of your dogs). Thanks, friends.
Here's Frankie seeing how many people are enjoying him. :)
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Me seeing how many people are liking this thread
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Me: *inexplicably wakes up at 4 am*
My brain: Ah, there you are. I’ve prepared this 90-minute slideshow of your Most Shameful Mistakes. Please get comfortable; we’ve got a lot of material to get through.
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muther why won’t you let me lick your eye socket
it is all I’ve ever dreamed of
#frankiesteinolson
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My 14-year-old is on the autism spectrum, & parent-teacher conferences are often hard. This time, tho, she proudly showed off her drawing of “a guy w/an interesting face.”
She had no idea she drew a portrait of Sir Patrick Stewart…or why her nerdy mom couldn’t stop laughing.
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(I mean, I DO care about the pockets. I want pockets. I think we all want pockets pretty frickin' bad. But "women's" clothes not having pockets is probably not the fault of this particular author.)
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@gglibrarian
@BethGlover
@DrJenGunter
Okay, here's what I think we should do: we find a random emoji that has no reason for existing anyway, and from now on that emoji means "I agree; this is bullshit." I vote for 🐮
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LADIES
ONE OF YOU NEEDS PRANCER
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Was chatting with a friend's 5-yr-old yesterday at the gym. He was wearing track pants.
Me: I really like the red stripes on your pants! Do they make you faster?
Him, huge earnest saucer eyes: No, but they make me beautiful.
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FWIW, I don't actually care about the jeans. I've made mistakes like that a writer (with firearms, for example, or medical tech). It happens.
I DO care about the juices & the need to describe a 40-something as surprisingly hot. It's careless & demeaning & I see it way too much
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Today I’m going to take my daughters to the Lego store and even though it’s bad parenting, I will probably buy them anything they want.
It’s not much of an apology for this world they have to grow up in, but at least Legos.
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Did...did you really just write an article to praise a couple of men for not sucking as much as other men?
Are you aware that there are also female authors
In a genre dominated by two-dimensional sexy sirens and damsels in distress, acclaimed thriller authors
@LeeChildReacher
and
@pauldoiron
are creating realistic female characters that offer way more than sex appeal.
#LeeChild
#PaulDoiron
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@Chitown_Sara
@KameronHurley
That's so true. Close-fitting is the default for women's jeans.
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Today I found out that in medieval weddings, the ring was presented on the tip of a sword.
Now I'm so bummed that I used my stupid nephew and a white pillow when there could have been swords
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Dear readers:
We love you. We do. But the majority of us are anxious, stressed, & overworked, so about the meanest thing you can do is send us messages telling us to write faster. We promise, we have always written as fast as we can.
xoxoxo writers
#amwriting
#writerslife
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Sometimes my husband lets me "sleep in."
Approximately every 7 minutes the following happens just outside my room:
1. four-legged GALLOP GALLOP GALLOP w/accompanying snort-pant
2. mild BANG as front paws are applied to door to check latch
3. Snorty snorty SNUFFLE along door crack
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Yet another day in which not one, not a single fucking one of you showed up at my door in sunglasses and growled, “I’m putting a team together.”
That’s 14,000 days in a row you useless fucks
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America is on fire, my career has stalled, and my husband is moving out. I do believe it's rum o'clock, friends
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Friends my husband just today realized that the yellow weed flowers and the white-headed weed flowers that you blow on are, in fact, the same thing.
He is 36 and did not understand dandelions.
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Frankie fans: you deserve this slow-motion video of
#FrankieSteinOlson
getting a bully stick.
(WARNING: for some reason my phone gave the light kind of a strobe effect. Do not watch if strobe lights affect you!)
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@MeredithAlberta
@teapot_dictator
Omg that's it
Everybody get your signs ready
we're rioting
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@KameronHurley
This honestly surprises me, because as much as I love Stranger Things, there's nothing "new" about it. The whole show is a pastiche of things we've seen before; that's WHY people love it.
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Just got this photo and an update from the vet. This crazy little shithead is coming home in a couple of hours. ❤️
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muther you left me for two days
i will take my apology in permanent physical attachment
let us begin
#frankiesteinolson
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Friends, today I lost my best friend Max, a 65-lb pit bull/greyhound mix who was sure he fit in my lap.
I'd love for you to read this blog about the incredible 14 years we had together. I'm weirdly convinced that the entire world should know about my dog.
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My daughter is on the autism spectrum, & finding her the services she needs at school has been the fight of my life.
We sacrificed a lot to get her at her current school, but they don't want her to stay unless I can provide more help. Read & support here:
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TFW you just wanna go relax in your crate but your mom filled it with dinosaurs
#frankiesteinolson
#frankievsdinos
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Dear Diary, today I got to fulfill my years-long dream of meeting dogs I love from the internet. Greyson and Lucy, you were everything I dreamed of.
@cmpriest
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This is the first-ever photo of my newly configured family. ❤️And though
#FrankieSteinOlson
looks disapproving, at least he’s looking?
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Would appreciate any prayers/ good thoughts for this lunatic, who’s having emergency surgery tonight to remove something ridiculous he decided to eat. No idea what.
That’s right. The vet is unboxing my dog.
#brodybrindle
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Still no applications for Miss Daisy, the last of my fosters. Lately I’ve been worrying that as she gets bigger, Daisy will stop being all cute and everyone will overlook her.
Daisy says she plans to keep bringing the cute.
#AdoptDontShop
#RescueDogs
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muther i will volunteer for the open position of your valentine
even though you forced me to do this obscene photo shoot
#FrankieSteinOlson
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Meet the new family member, currently between names. We have him as part of a foster-to-adopt program. All dogs had an awesome introduction and are doing well with adjustment. (Yes, even
#FrankieSteinOlson
)
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For Lent this year I’m planning to give up seeing movies in theaters, eating at nice restaurants, AND trips to visit friends.
Pious AF, that’s me.
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Hey, do we do warnings for cuteness overload? Is that a thing?
#brodybrindle
#FrankieSteinOlson
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I have watched Nightmare Before Christmas over and over in the last year, and if you don't think it's a story about toxic masculinity and male entitlement, it's time for a rewatch. 1/?
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My fellow authors: a dad who’s home with his children is not “babysitting.” He’s being a parent. Please stop doing this.
#writerslife
#amwriting
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Unpopular opinion: I don't want Oprah (or the Rock, or Hanks) for president. I think the whole notion that anyone in any field can walk into that role is flawed. Top of your field is great, smart & likable are great, but give me someone who ALSO knows politics, policy, history.
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No one warns you that a dozen books into a decent mid-list career you're gonna be back Googling possible new agents, why wasn't I told
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After 3 mos of calling/screaming/crying at health care pros, today I get to take my 12-yr-old to a GI specialist for her serious, growing digestive issues. All I have to do is drive 2.5 hours each way.
I'm so relieved & also this is fucking ridiculous. Please send good thoughts
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@teapot_dictator
Yeah, the envelope is the sticking point (literally?). I think I could roll up five hundreds, "doing coke in a movie"-style, and fit them in the front pocket. But even folded in half, the envelope is not happening.
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Incidentally, I write books, and I tweet about that sometimes. If you're only here for Frankie content, I usually remember to include his hashtag:
#FrankieSteinOlson
.
This month I've been doing a thing where he's being hunted by a pack of T-Rex dinos. That's
#FrankievsDinos
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I do get a powerful satisfaction from the idea that somewhere at Hydra headquarters, the GOP is mumbling “we should have just let her be governor.”
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Today the general contractor I was trying to hire suggested I should go “talk to my husband” about what to do, in case you’re wondering about my rage levels
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Tues was my 1st day as a fulltime sub at middle school.
I met anger, disrespect, & resentment from a majority of students. I was told to fuck off countless times. I barely stopped a fight in time. A 6th grader said he wanted to kill me.
I learned how inadequate I am.
I quit today
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Shoutout to all my fellow old people who still face the bills in their wallet because of a cash register job 20 years ago
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My 12-yr-old is not "autistic enough" to get services at public schools, & has now been deemed "too autistic" for private school. Are there any US schools that actually support & celebrate their
#autistic
students because I'm ready to pack up the car
Seriously. Is there a place
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This one goes out to
@cmpriest
, and anyone wondering how Brody managed to dismount. (Video didn’t attach earlier)
#brodybrindle
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For crying out loud-this crabby asshole is now getting fan mail from neighborhood children.
#FrankieSteinOlson
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A hardboiled PI novel but the “detective” turns out to be a ragtag team of teen girls who trawl through social media
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Percy Jackson, Ant-Man, Lego Movie, Ready Player 1, How to Train Your Dragon...is there a feminist term for when the female love interest/sidekick is better than the "hero" at literally everything, but he’s somehow the Chosen One? If not, shall we just call it Hermione Syndrome?
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These are the faces of two assholes who got the crate for ENDLESS FUCKING ZOOMIES and have No Regrets at All.
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@JosephBrassey
@nypost
Yes, how dare they want to spend a day in a simpler, more magical place that the fucking shitstorm we currently live in.
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Spent this AM at the
#WGA
picket line to support screenwriters, esp
@DavidRadcliff
, co-chair of the WGA disability committee.
@jasonsudeikis
was part of the picket line & kindly agreed to a photo (I promise. The “hostage situation” vibe here is how he shows support).
#WGAstrong
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@ljadventur
@EmmaBerkeley_
@anniebellet
My best theory is that the pocket leads to a pocket UNIVERSE.
SO IT'S NOT JUST A CLEVER NAME.
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Some sort of strange ursine species has arrived at my house. Strange accent, obsession with citrus preserves. Not sure what it wants but I’m keeping it forever.
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The Children’s Museum has really stepped up their yoga program this morning. I think my membership just paid for itself.
@PlayAtMCM
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