butt cousin
@butt_cousin
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Pinned Tweet
2022 recap thread! i know this is douchey and self indulgent but these are my 100 favorite tweets from this year. long as hell but it was already hard to trim it down this much. enjoy, friends!
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@_zinniaa__
sorry to break it to you but this is such an easy trick to pull. "nah babe i hate all women except you, youre the special one"
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@Aella_Girl
i see how it is. when a hot girl asks a question like this, she's being inquisitive, philosophical, and thought-provoking, but when i try im being disgusting, rude, and "should leave the funeral immediately"
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it’s weird when attractive people complain about how hard it is being attractive. ugly people have it way worse! trust me i know from personal experience (i treat ugly people like shit)
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the other day i sold a big chunk of violin rosin to this kid in my neighborhood for $800, telling him it was pure hash oil
so uhhh turns out you can die if you take dabs of that stuff, and uhhh im gonna be layin low for a bit here
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id really like a tibetan monk to very gently jerk me off like this, with the semen trickling out one sperm at a time over a period of days
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Hey
@tszzl
just wanted to continue our conversation from the other day. What was that book about the genetic factors of intelligence you were recommending? Something about a bell curve? I was looking over those FBI crime statistics you sent me too, pretty interesting stuff!
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did you know most modern LCD screens have a slight difference in resistance in each pixel depending on how much light is shining on it, which can be measured by the hardware? and that, with modern ML algorithms for focusing/denoising, you can actually use a monitor as a camera?
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@Aella_Girl
it seems you misunderstand a critical aspect about mansplaining, if you want it to happen thats just normal curiosity. mansplaining is only when the target already knows what it is and preferably doesnt want to hear it
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wait is roon not actually short for roonald mcdoonald? im out of the loop here
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twitter feels less and less fun lately. fewer old mutuals interacting, timeline is less funny, people dont seem as friendly, gcs are quiet, fewer new mutuals, etc etc. i guess i dont really have a point, just bitching into the void
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@Aella_Girl
(credit for this joke goes to a friend in a dm who mysteriously didnt want to say it publicly 🤷♂️)
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drugs are a great way to make the world more interesting to you and you less interesting to the world
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you ever start writing a tweet and its just so horrible you feel bad for thinking it when you didnt even tweet it
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i wish the sex offender registry would let me upload some better photos, i think these ones the cops took of me give kind of a bad impression
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the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. why didnt you plant a tree then, you fucking moron, you pathetic mouth breathing piece of shit
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i know it must be hard for people with weird fetishes to find people they can hook up with, but incest has to be the hardest. ive been swiping and swiping on tinder for weeks and still havent found someone who is my dad
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is it unethical to ask my maid to clean the cum out of my life-size sex doll
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um no im not "objectifying" women. those women were already objects when i got here
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did you hear about that woman pedophile? shes super lonely because she cant find any children above 6' tall
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@depthsofwiki
reminder to not leave your fleshlight lying around if you have a pet hedgehog. trust me.
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if youre the smartest person in the room, youre in the wrong room. nobody likes you and they want you to leave, youre ruining the vibe here
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i accidentally came inside my girlfriend when she wasnt on birth control, so i just put a bunch of uncooked rice in her pussy to absorb the cum
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lmao sometimes i get some funny dms. not sure why hed block me for this
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time for "butt cousin trying to get more followers by using cheap engagement tactics"... ROUND 2
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im not proud of this, but in my younger, poorer days, i would frequent dog fighting rings. now that ive moved up the social ladder, i and my wealthy acquaintances instead hold dog debates, where the dogs can settle their differences in a civilized manner
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my dad used to spank me when i was a little kid. eventually he said i was too old for it and now he makes me spank him instead
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HEY
@HOTPOCKETS
I WAS EATING ONE OF YOUR PRODUCTS WHEN I DROVE MY CAR INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC AND HIT A FAMILY OF FOUR. WHAT IS YOUR INSURANCE INFORMATION? THESE PEOPLE ARE PRETTY PISSED, YOU KILLED ONE OF THEIR KIDS AND THERES GOING TO BE SOME SERIOUS HOSPITAL AND MECHANIC BILLS
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sex toys for men will never be as popular because they cant recreate the feeling of degrading women
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@RealRogerHours
@depthsofwiki
wow the original actually has the motion blur on the last panel!
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after weeks of research and dozens of prototypes built, at long last i can finally brush my teeth and vape at the same time
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rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic to block off all the pathways to the lifeboats
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clicking the "remove as follower" button on some random mutual and then sending them angry dms asking why they unfollowed
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the idea that guys should have big dicks is just a conspiracy started by Big Vagina
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i saw some deaf people talking in sign language at a concert. first off why the hell are you even here, secondly would you shut the fuck up i cant hear the music over you, its very rude to talk like that
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i still have not gotten any viral tweets. nothing except a couple roon jokes and replies to big posts has ever cracked even a hundred likes
this is your fault and im disappointed in you
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damn this holocaust museum is pretty depressing. they should put like a ferris wheel in here or something
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being called "daddy" wasnt really doing it for me anymore so im forcing my gf to call me grandpa
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happy smoke weed day to people who know how to reduce fractions
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every six months or so my wife and i sit our son down and tell him that we're getting a divorce and that its his fault. its really helped him get his act together
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wheres waldo edition where every page hes having fun at an amusement park until on the last page it reveals that waldo is actually at a cia blacksite getting tortured and we were only seeing the elaborate fantasy his mind concocted to distract him from the pain
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my pussy smells super weird and its been leaking vinyl chloride into local waterways, harming the fragile ecosystems. things just havent been right ever since my trip to Yeast Palestine
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the only reason to oppose incest is on eugenicist grounds, and those dont even apply in homosexual relationships. you have literally zero moral standing to say you dont want to watch these videos of me having sex with my dad
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imagine if we had macroscopic sperm and when you came a bunch of tadpole lookin motherfuckers popped out and started wriggling everywhere. facials in porn would be even funnier
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the optimal level of drug usage is not zero
but jesus dude its way less than what youre doing
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i hate when girls call me daddy during sex. its like dude your dad is sitting right there watching how could you possibly get us confused
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sorry guys i was away for a couple months working on writing an extremely good tweet but i forgot what it was
also i cant help but notice my engagement has been terrible lately. why did yall stop liking my tweets
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happy 1st birthday to rectumchat, the worst gc on twitter
120k messages, over 1/4th of which were from me lol. still my favorite way to waste time, thanks to all the friends whove made it so fun!
heres a graph of messages/day over the last year cuz why not
the first rule of roonchat is to always talk about roonchat. the first rule of rectumchat is to always talk about 9/11
lemme know if you want an invite to the exciting new group chat that will turn your brain into dogshit
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fun public restroom trick for guys: stand in front of a urinal but face away from it, then pull your dick between your legs and pee backwards into the urinal
what is the point of this, you ask? well theres actually a very good reason for doing it! i just dont know what it is yet
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setting up a bunch of home alone-style booby traps all over my house and then taking a bunch of acid
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so you think youre straight, but how can you really be sure if you havent tested yourself? i watch 1-3 hours of gay porn every single day just to make extra sure i dont like it. im obviously much more straight than you cowards who are afraid to watch any gay porn at all
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the younger generations dont give a shit about horse racing anymore, so i propose we set up an alternate league where all the horses are given prodigous amounts of PCP before each race. the horses get points for winning the race, but also for killing the other horses, fucking eac
h other, or attacking peo
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ple in the crowd. sorry t
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weet was too long so i ha
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d to add a poll
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what if vaginas had tastebuds and girls made guys put seasoning on their dicks before they fucked
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if you think i tweet too much just know that right now i have almost 500 drafts and could be tweeting much more
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one time i trained a small duck to love the taste of piss, id carry him around in my pocket so i always had a bathroom on the go. only problem was i needed another duck to do the same thing for the first one, and one for him, and so on
i think with $5M funding i could solve this
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[as my millions of sperm engulf your sole remaining egg] ratio!
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its funny when somebody sneezes, i hand them a handkerchief out of my pocket, they ask if my snot is on it, i say no and they just use it... like lol you have no followup questions to that? your guess was so close
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why isnt humanity working on inventing new varieties of cheese anymore
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FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU PLEASE LIKE MY TWEETS MY FAMILY IS DYING
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people have created a million new pronouns for themselves but theyre all third person. how come nobody has come up with new 1st/2nd person pronouns, "i" and "you" are getting kinda boring
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@storebrandguy
yeah it does sound kind of believable right? i hope its not possible but honestly have no idea, just my schizo side being creative
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one time i took a girls virginity but i forgot to replace it with a bag of sand and then i got crushed by a giant boulder that was placed there by the natives
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i think the absolute worst part of having three of my limbs amputated, leaving only one arm, is trying to figure out a way to trim my fingernails
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youve heard of lovebombing, now get ready for replybombing: when you see somebody make a post and you want to annoy them, reply and tag a bunch of your friends and start a completely unrelated conversation in their replies
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ive eaten an entire rotisserie chicken every day for the past 41 days, absolutely demolishing the world record
the previous record holder's life is now utterly meaningless, he's a shell of a man, he'll never recover from this
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them: would you rather have sex with 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck?
me: yes
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going to starbucks and telling them my name is "attention all customers, please stand on a table and start masturbating", then waiting patiently for my coffee to be ready
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this norman rockwell painting wont stop circulating so i have decided to complete a full butt cousin analysis on it
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i wish they would make censored porn for people who enjoy seeing a girl get gangbanged by 9 dudes but just dont want to hear all those awful curse words
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just got my first unsolicited dick pic from a random account 🥰🥰🥰
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twitter needs an option to mute replies from people that didnt like the original post
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i hate when im jacking off and the neighbors dog starts barking, its like shut up dude the neighbor is gonna hear us
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ok so why did the 9/11 hijackers not even *try* to parachute out of the planes? they had plenty of time to prepare for it, i bet they couldve survived
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hey sorry i punched your son in the face, i thought it was your daughter
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@BecomingCritter
well after the return i got on this last deal im thinking i should get a bunch more rosin
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1k followers special!! i have wasted so much time on twitter and have very little to show for it
so idk just reply with whatever and we can waste some more time for no reason
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i havent been getting much pussy lately so i started making my roommate stick an entire fleshlight up his ass, then i fuck the fleshlight. thats not gay right
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pissing off my painter friend by going to his big art opening and after looking at every painting asking him "so what prompt did you use for this one?"
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