Amy Miller
@amymiller
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Following
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💜✌️ female comedian / coastal elite white trash / not talking to you, talking to your dog / never not touching my head
From OAK // Thriving in LA
Joined December 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Come to my
@NetflixIsAJoke
show!! Monday at the
@HollywoodImprov
. We are gonna have some fun! We have to. Life is hell. 🌷🍄☀️
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A girl in Target got in trouble and her mom said, “OK! No more Happy Meal!” And there was a peak-Sally-Field-level emotional explosion. Tore her hair, rolled on the floor, knocked shit over. Then she got dead quiet, stared solemnly at her mom, and said “Let me earn it back.”
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For anyone thinking of moving to LA: I was just sitting in traffic, crying in my Prius. I looked in my mirror and the girl behind me was also crying in her Prius. So, chase those dreams!
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I guess my main beef with sex and the city is how they all wear strappy sandals around NYC and then come home and put their feet in the bed.
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It’s important to wear enough rings that men don’t know if you’re married or some kind of healer.
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There aren’t many universal truths but one is that teenage boys like to jump up and tap stuff that’s high. Street signs, beams, archways.
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Drunk man at this open mic said, shit this guy sucks I could get up there! And I said you can. There’s a sign up. And he said for real? And I said yeah and he said...nah I’m good.
And that is most of Twitter!
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Got an iced coffee maker for my house and in just one week I’ve already saved six thousand dollars.
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Genuinely mad about by my period every single month. I know the pattern, I see the signs, and STILL I’m like... are you fucking kidding me with this again? Like imagine doing your taxes every month for 50 years.
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If you cowards had fired Chris D’Elia a long time ago for being bad at the job (standup comedy) he wouldn’t have had time to creep. But you LIVE to say “good set” to men taller than you.
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.
@SouthwestAir
Hey no issues with the flight today, everything fine so far. Just wondering if we are ever gonna change out the Chopped episodes on your TV? It’s been Pasta Pasta and Chocolate Frenzy since 2019 and Chopped has 59 seasons.
@TheTedAllen
can you help?
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One time Carolla was trying to find milk in the green room and he opened every cabinet before trying the fridge.
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no you don’t need to remind me of the bad parts of kamala...it’s called situational compartmentalization honey. it’s like y’all never had an abusive father who made good ice cream sundaes like grow up today is treat day bitch
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Parts I auditioned for this week. 100% real:
- Racist bank manager
- Fat lunch lady
- Bitchy LARP leader
- A lady so unattractive, all this guy's friends are shocked he is dating her
- "Goth mom": logged on in black clothes and dark lipstick to find out my SON is goth not me lol
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If friends don’t react like this to your wins, even if you work in the same field, time to clean house babe.
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What will ultimately fix misogyny in comedy is more podcasts of just like 2-5 guys shooting the shit
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Obsessed with lady friends I have who are secret stoners. Just Type A accomplished executive bitches and high school principals who have been high as fuck all day every day for 15 years, never making it a part of their personality. Women are incredible.
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Are rich people honestly threatening to leave us and live on Mars together? Ummm ok I think we will be okay. We make all the food and art and we fuck good and fix shit. Good luck mounting your space TVs by yourself
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Additionally, it would be cool if when y'all talk about "free speech" you extended it to women in comedy verbally standing up for themselves and not just the right for men to say shitty stuff and still get paid lol. Really not seeing much from the COMEDY IS A FAMILY sect on this.
Harvey Weinstein was invited to a private event last night w/ comics, actors & other artists and when someone complained - she was kicked out
Focusing on the word “canceled” as much as we do misconstrues the still very real power abusers have & who it affects / doesn’t
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Just watched a full grown woman ask a server what pretzel bites are and the server said “bite size pretzels you dip in sauce” and then looked at me like i was the camera in the office.
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Feel icked out? Helpless as a comedy fan? Go see women perform this weekend.
Your local club doesn't have any coming up? TWEET AT THEM. Email. Call. Whatever. Your money keeps us working. We work, we get louder. We get safer.
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MILD cheddar? Why don’t u just drink a glass of milk u sick freak
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My Mom lied to me about who my dad was until I was 30 and I am MORE mad at her for going to Costco today.
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Me 10 minutes into Emily in Paris: wow this is really bad
Me 10 episodes into Emily in Paris: wow that was really bad
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Fun Jackass idea: I sit right down on Johnny Knoxville’s face.
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why even offer a male voice option in a meditation app? never felt chill b4 while a dude’s telling me to calm down
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Just bc we all zoom now does not mean every phone call needs to be a zoom. Stop trying to look at me.
Some phone calls are still phone calls.
A LOT of phone calls really should be emails.
And some emails should honestly be texts.
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What's the best winter soup to make if your boyfriend is a vegetarian and you're a stupid bitch?
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Hold up did you just say dumpster fire? Haha I can tell you’re funny.
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White people: the loss of property is not the saddest thing about protests. A city isn’t buildings. A city is people. And when a large number of those people can’t exist without constant fear of murder but you wanna enjoy the culture that makes your city, you don’t deserve it.
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I’ll say it. I fucking love wearing a mask now. Only have to make up my top face and never have to smile at men fuck u
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I too think about abortion when I’ve been hoeing all day.
I spent Juneteenth all day in the hot sun hoeing and pulling weeds and thinking about what it would have been like to have been a slave. At the end of the day, I thought about what it would be like to be an aborted baby. I got to see the sunrise and the sunset.
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If u aren’t willing to carry a lil bag of doo doo all the way to the next trash can u do not deserve a dog
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I know the joke that you want to make about Harvey Weinstein being in prison and I think I speak for a lot of people when I say don't.
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I’ve had an unexplained severe headache for over a month now. I told my extremely Russian doctor I can’t die right now bc all my friends are already too sad. She said “Death is a part of life. They will be okay.”
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I mean. Yes. 🏆
Blues singer Anita “Lady A” White has issued a new statement: “I will not allow Lady Antebellum to obliterate me and my career so they can look ‘woke’ to their fans”
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@nataliesnorres
OMG my sister was the *principal* of my niece's school and I was terrified for my niece every day....like don't tell them!! And don't ever wave to her and say hi mommy!! She's a cop now.
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I guess Harvey Weinstein knew he would be safe at a standup comedy event because we've always been so good at protecting predators.
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Deliberately undressed by the window in my Utah hotel room just to give some young Mormon a small taste of the flesh. Probably saved a LIFE.
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Texted my boyfriend “I’m at the comedy store” and he texted me “I’m feeding a carrot to this puppy because her tummy is upset.” Comedians do not deserve partners.
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Absolute legend on The Last Of Us this week! Undisputed queen of dry comedy!! Oh I missed her.
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There are so many things I love about standup. But I have to say hands down my favorite thing is fighting to be paid exactly what I was promised and then being told I’m acting crazy for expecting it! We love it!
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Dang Gal Gadot do you charge me $99 annually when I least expect it because you are an Amazon Prime
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A tiny baby on my plane accidentally touched my butt. His dad who was holding him said sorry and I said, “I’m gonna get him canceled.” Dad did not laugh so he’s canceled now too. Sad!
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OK this is exciting, just don't make a 3rd one or we are all in serious trouble.
Beetlejuice 2 is reportedly being produced by Brad Pitt's production company, Plan B Entertainment, with Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder reprising their roles from the original.
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@morninggloria
I just started it and I can’t believe how young they are and how creeped out I am knowing that im about to watch every episode
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The dudes on this comedy festival with me: Let’s go to the college bar and see beautiful young women!
Me: Sure yeah I can be fun ARE YOU LADIES OK DO YOU KNOW HIM ARE YOU SAFE IS THIS YOUR PURSE HERES SOME WATER
YOU GET AWAY FROM HER!
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Last night in Seattle I had approx 1/5 of a diet pineapple weed iced tea and got easily the highest I have ever been in my life. Here are some tweets that were in my draft folder in the morning:
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There was, by the way, a male comic on the show with Weinstein in the room. And here is the joke he made: "Who in this room produced Good Will Hunting? 'Cause that shit was great."
Have you guys ever tried standing up for anybody but each other? Just wondering.
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What's my body type? Oh my body type is several children in this Ohio Kroger thought I was their mom.
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Someone mistakenly invited me to a Zoom meeting for Jersey Mike's store managers. And I am happy to report, business is good, guys.
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Just wanna hear one canceled comedian be honest enough to say these words:
“Of course I knew it was fucked up. But making other men giggle will always be more important to me than anything else. I love other men and when they giggle when I say anything, even slurs. I love men.”
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How much Taco Bell lettuce can get into your steering column before it locks up?
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Im so stupid, I keep waiting for anyone to care that Jeff Ross dated a child and it keeps not happening.
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Imagine being from Philly and thinking Chinese people talk crazy.
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WOMAN JOBS:
Comedienne
Stewardess
Waitress
Garbage Lady
Doctoress
Senatorella
Writerita
Mrs. Tits Cop
HELLOOO NURSE
CEO-no-she-dint!
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A lady at Target just looked at me, pointed to her full cart, and went “I don’t need any of this shit.” Some days you meet an icon.
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Career update: the dude working at Del Taco said “see you tomorrow”
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When people say they thought you were much younger, it is both a compliment to your looks and an attack on your personality.
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Yes bitch, we're funny, well-rested, and we keep all our money.
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Umm, no sir, it's not exactly a "gap" in employment. I accidentally fucked up and followed my dreams for a while even tho it never made me much money lol anyway I think I'd be great at delivering weed.
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If we’re heaping praise on this virgin Bachelor, the next Bachelorette should be a huge slut like “I’ve sucked 175 dicks and I’m 24” and the guys are like “I just love that despite all the social stigma Ashley lives her truth.”
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Shout out to my male colleagues who don't book us to open for you, don't book us on your podcasts, are fine with only one or zero of us being in your writers rooms, and never say shit when you work a club and there are no women opening or on the calendar. Your activism is cute.
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Just got major news! I'll be the only one in my apartment building receiving the vaccine because I break down my cardboard boxes.
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@kristenschaaled
I bought this pin from
@SCannibalsBand
and I wear it religiously to remind people.💁🏼♀️
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It should be illegal to become a comedian if you have never worked in the service industry.
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Funny women you can support / buy tickets for ASAP:
@ComedienneMsPat
@JenKirkman
@jackiekashian
@BethStelling
@funnyhelenhong
@taylortomlinson
@hatertuesday
@RachelFeinstein
@FunnyAida
@aprilmacie
@jennyzigrino
@cameronesposito
@RheaButcher
@Blacktress
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If you bomb often AND you’re a shitty person, why is there even a conversation about cancellation. Why are you working bro. Some club bookers will headline guys so lazy and rude they wouldn’t trust them to bartend, and then wanna lie about how funny matters most. Eat my asshole.
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LMAO one of my agents sent an email blast to every client saying “a lot of you don’t look like your headshots and it’s a problem.” Lol called us all ugly liars. I responded with this:
My headshot: Me irl:
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Shout out to Ocean’s 8 for finally recognizing how much white ladies steal shit
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Don’t check on your strong friends by the way, we wanna die too. We just can’t tell you because you’re so fucking sensitive.
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A pro-short guy story: A few weeks ago, I was almost hit by a car while I was crossing the street. The driver, in a yellow Porsche, slammed on his breaks at the last second. A very short and buff Latino man PUNCHED the car.
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Can’t remember who I gave my HBO login but we are both restarting Girls. People are really hurting right now.
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Do you think post-corona that catholic priests will stop putting the communion wafer on your tongue for germs reasons and also what about the molestation
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This is real. When I was a counselor for a post-abortion call center, the majority of my calls were women saying “I feel like I’m supposed to feel bad but I’m relieved. Is that ok?” I said yes bitch! But I said it different, like, your feelings are valid etc.
Anti-choicers continually say that most women regret their abortions. A new study shows that practically none of them do.
My latest for
@HarpersBazaarUS
.
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When men fuck up: Oh he’s ok! He’s just a big old potato brain but he said sorry and he’s learning! Plus, a beard!
When women fuck up: She’s an inherently bad person, her heart is made of barbed wire, and she should be burned with acid.
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Upstairs neighbor told me she is anti-mask and anti-vaccine. This is great news. Never have to turn down the Sex and the City theme at 3am again.
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In honor of his birthday here are some Kris Kristofferson facts. He's a:
- Rhodes scholar who went to Oxford
- Rugby, boxing, track, and football star
- Helicopter pilot in the Army
- Going to have sex with me before he dies!
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the govt has truly done nothing right about anything. we are all just sharing around the same nickel to whoever needs it the most right now / podcasting ourselves into our graves
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Damn she really got down there so he could see it at eye level too.
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Drugs can be real fun and I’m nobody to tell anyone else not to do them. But this Fentanyl shit is a fucking crisis. Tired of the tragedy.
Here’s a link to testing strips. Please buy some before you party.
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🎄 if my mom said “make your sister a drink, she needs to relax” id be like “mama said nog you out.” 🎄
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Hello, department of Purple Heart medals? My boyfriend gets boners when I'm naked and I have big thighs. Yes thanks our address is
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Try and name a Michael J Fox character that gave a shit about the rules. Good luck. 😎
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Oopsies! Y’all stayed inside the house so long you forgot how to drive your cars!
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Hate to break this news but I’ve been watching a lot of Dateline and 100% of murders happen in Ohio
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A comedy club owner asked me to bring a birthday cake out to a table, cut it and serve it. I said would you ask any of the male comics to do this? He said no, they wouldn’t do it right. 🎂 🎂🎂🎂✌🏼
It’s April Fools, tell us about work experiences you wish were a joke.
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Regular bartender: Open or closed?
Portland bartender: Ok cool yeah so did you wanna like pay with cash or keep a card with me and I’ll give it right back or like what’re you feelin right now oh shit I’ll be right back my friend is here WHATS UP TREVOR
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