amelia elizalde
@ameliaelizalde
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tv writer formerly @comedycentral @clickhole
Los Angeles, CA
Joined December 2011
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just got dumped and my roommate is trying to make me feel better by playing cards with me but she just keeps winning and whispering “sorry”
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the fact that exercise works but only if you do it all the time.....toxic
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obsessed with this very nice woman who left a note even though my car literally looks like this
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love the day after your period ends when u wake up and u want to live and u have so many ideas about how to improve this country's roads and bridges
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tadpoles:
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do people who hate california understand that you can see between 1 and five thousand tiny lizards every day. do they understand this
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i’m an only child so my moms mantelpiece looks like i died
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its so funny that if you get famous u have to be nice to james corden
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bf came back from driving my car w his hand bleeding and was like “there’s something sharp under the seat” and i said “ohh yeah that’s my car knife” and he got annoyed??
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ezra miller could beat the shit out of cara delevingne but i think she could do a kind of cocaine scream that would make ezra's skin come off in one big sheet. so it's a tie
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this guy —> 😵💫 is disgusting. what is he so hypnotized by? a woman’s butt and boobs??
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this guy —> 🤬 is disgusting. i can only imagine what he is saying. and to a woman no less
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i am going to lure joe biden into some sort of large maze
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every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'
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these two 🌚🌝 are disgusting. what are they smiling about? misogyny?
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all the video games my bf plays are like "would you like to Search Beehive?" and he'll say yes and it'll be like "you have found: A Bee"
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“we don’t deserve dogs” i do. i have a really good personality
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the vibe at small airports is like if they made your divorced dad’s apartment a business
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i like when the girl in the workout video pretends to be tired too. she didnt have to do that
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haaate that u either have to try (humiliating) or not try (devastating)
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This would have been a photo of
MY GIRLFRIEND
But you
WOULDN'T KNOW HER SHE GOES TO ANOTHER SCHOOL
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i like how before you see a movie they have to show a little PSA begging everyone to act normal
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finally got my tires sooo smooth 👌 no ugly tread 🤢
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the person who invented bodysuits saw a shirt and thought 'let me buckle this around my pussy'
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you wouldn't even notice the fit if it was on someone else. but put it on a guy with a perfect body and everyone goes nuts
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once i remembered who i was dealing with i got these immediately. if you want to play the psycho's game u must shift into Psycho Mindset
the level of delusion needed to get the most specific category in nyt connections is actually driving me insane
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[nancy pelosi email voice] GRU is RISING. can I count on you for $15?
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if you don't think everyone born in march has the same personality then u hate women
"To most men, astrology is too girly or immature, which explains why they disagree with it or deny its validity," psychologist and sex therapist Barbara Santini says.
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[going back in time] i only have a few seconds. a group of men is called a podcast
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to clarify my car already looked like this so even if she fucked it up i would have no way of knowing and i think that’s beautiful
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pay attention to the people who suddenly stop talking about the grinch tomorrow
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not a justin timberlake "it's gonna be may" post in sight. nature is healing
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"giddy up jinglehorse pick up your feet" would devastate me
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an avatar got into our trash last night and i had to hit it with a rake
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elvis movie is a balm. a salve. its anti cop and pro mommy incest. elvis sits on the hollywood sign “to think”. its got microsoft wordart and carnies and tom hanks in a hospital gown scampering through a casino like a loose rat
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avatar the way of water is about what happens when skaters meet surfers and how if they worked together and learned each others ways they could defeat the us military
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if i ever saw a hobbit i would whack it with a broom
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people on the bachelor are like "i am going to marry Brendan M"
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if you think hamas won’t come for the ninth most populous city in colorado, home of the historic arkansas riverwalk, then you’re in for a rude awakening
SCOOP:
Source tells me police are being tight lipped about a bridge collapse in Pueblo, Colorado today that caused a train to derail, because there is a possibility that the bridge was intentionally sabotaged in an act of infrastructure terrorism.
Over the last week,…
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i talked to the predator from the movie predator and he is sorry
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i’ve never been diagnosed with synesthesia but halloween always gives me 31 vibes. or like orange and black
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no more “how did this character afford this apartment”. they’re on tv
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thinking about how good it would feel to be a crab and see 'imitation crab' on a menu...everybody wants me, no one can have me...and on top of everything you're a crab going out to dinner....
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ive dated around 4000 people but i can bring up a guy from 10th grade and my mom’s eyes will roll back and her skin turns clear and she whispers “he didn’t like mushrooms”
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your silver birthday is when you turn the age your too-old boyfriend was when you met
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a game show called Are You Hot Enough To Act Like That. i am the host and the answer is no
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found out that ‘arvo’ is australian for ‘afternoon’. when will it end
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today on my walk i watched a guy take a facetime call while running, pause the call to yell "carlos! carlos!!" at another jogger who did not acknowledge him, then go back to his call and say "that was carlos, my old intern...and my best friend"
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fyi these drinks take months of brainstorming and testing before they hit the market. if you don’t like it that’s fine but there’s no need to be an asshole
Woman finds dead mouse at the bottom of her McDonalds coffee cup! 🤢
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if elon wants to be funny so bad why doesn't he talk about his hair plugs
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Basically everyone has a “John Lennon beat his wife” style fact that they cant stop themselves from sharing if anything even tangentially related comes up in conversation
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to be honest i have never experienced ‘rate limit exceeded’. beginning to think it’s one of those things that apply to everyone else and not me, much like other rules and laws
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still thinking about a reddit post where a guy asked for help making conversation in group settings and someone told him to “stay silent and chime in with the occasional ‘hell yeah’”
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every step of making friends as an adult is so depraved. does anyone want to go on a walk
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jonas brothers are not sexy bc they reek of Boy Mom parenting. they always look like they just drank milk
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"your credit score has changed" fine. your amelia score has changed
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my cat when he's screaming at a bird
My body is in jail.
But my mind is not in jail.
Do you understand?
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I Am Looking For The Foley Artist Who Killed My Wife
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the more a man loves you the worse pictures he will take of you. its in their laws
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got to do my favorite thing last night which is go to a party and march from group to group like when a town makes a goose think he's the mayor
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texting the girls “jen psaki on fallon 😍 needed this!!” and crashing my car so hard i become pure light
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weird that no one on the website for smug nerds can relate to euphoria
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every night i think of the perfect tweet and every morning i wake up to this
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wishing so many of you a girlfriend who uses 😂 and 🤣 i think it would be really healing for a lot of you
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he can’t have a kid his ass is gonna name it Microwave
Suki Waterhouse confirms she’s pregnant, expecting first child with Robert Pattinson.
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elon musk is actually really important representation for those of us who are constantly ruining everything and digging horrible little tunnels
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you elect a guy named Markwayne and you get mad when he does Markwayne shit?
Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) just tried to fight a witness at a hearing.
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setting a boundary
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the elementary school near me hasn’t turned a profit in years
@cbsnews
please investigate
The U.S. Postal Service is in the midst of a 10-year plan aimed at erasing losses and eventually turning a profit. But in its last fiscal year, the agency reported a loss of $6.5 billion, a major step backward.
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often when a man says he’s “going psycho mode” that means eating a fucked up sandwich and reading the wikipedia for “plane”
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everyone’s mad at biden for “not doing anything” when he’s literally been filming avatar 2 for years
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fav part of taking my bf home for a week is saying “this store used to be a different store” until he cries
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if men in your office see you eating lunch and don't loudly exclaim the name of the food you're eating, they will die
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my boyfriend’s moving here and has to share this car for a bit hope he’s excited for me to be like “wtf did you do to my car” every time he comes home
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"her heart is pure and belongs to me" is something u say about a possum u saw on here
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any two comedians over 50 interviewing each other:
“when comedy works, there’s a…joy to it.”
“mhmm. exactly. there’s laughing.”
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“he probably watches ted lasso on a VR headset” is like the meanest thing you could say about someone
Tim Cook Claims He Watched 'Ted Lasso' Season 3 Entirely on an Apple Vision Pro VR/AR Headset
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wearing glasses to the library feels like wearing a band's t shirt to their concert
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every perfume now is called “Guess I’m Not Daddy’s Widdle Baby No More With This Big Ass” or “Desecration”
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wrote a rap to get my new therapist up to speed but i keep crying and having to start over
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i have nothing to say about chris d'elia bc i got boobs at 10 and thus am unable to feel surprise or disappointment at the behavior of any man!! all i hear is a low hum baby!!!
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so many books are called like “sorryyyy leaving now be there in 10: essays by women who move through space” or “the many lives of gary st. lauren”
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i wrote this headline and i will not be taking questions
Terrified Nation Watches Helplessly as On-And-Off Couple Gets Dog:
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men are sooo tough until u ask them to watch a movie on a laptop
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