nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

my dog: *exists* me: yes girl, slay

such a shame i’m inheriting diabetes and high blood pressure instead of generational wealth from my family

kind of lame i’m paying the same taxes as last year but this year i’m getting a shittier version of the government

One moment you’re giving your friend a Nazi salute and just 136 days later you’re calling him a pedophile online, how the time flies

if your parents told you it was illegal to have a light on in the car at night, you may be eligible for financial compensation

“in the club, we all fam” i whisper to myself as i buy things i don’t need from costco

maybe the real crime here is banning the world’s coolest dog

americans will use literally any measurement EXCEPT metric

me, an american, every day in america since 2016

Ladies, looking for a last minute valentine's gift for your man? Three words: battery organizer case

Stop honking, I’m trying to finish my Wordle

kind of lame i’m paying the same taxes as last year but this year i’m getting a shittier version of the government

There’s a man at the playground with such an impressive dad voice that when he yelled “PUT IT DOWN” I automatically dropped my book

I’m that psychopath who listens to absolutely no music while driving.

I am not skipping the gym, I'm still doing my *pre-workout *Eating Reese's Peanut Butter Hearts

Me: can’t they just make a shoe for women that is functional, comfortable 𝘢𝘯𝘥 attractive? Shoe industry: no, but have you tried our new line of high heeled slippers?

If you see me ordering appetizers, just know my income tax has hit.

Not to brag but... I once got a 3 point basket playing volleyball.