Sometimes people compliment me on my inner strength. I like to remind those people that I have been taken out by attempting to hole puch through 10 sheets of paper at once.

every tweet is a subtweet meant for you, hope this helps

Hollywood : How do we traumatize Gen X? Howard Zieff : Hear me out, we take the Home Alone kid, but we kill him off. Hollywood: Like cancer or a car crash? Howard Zieff : oh, you are gonna love this. 🐝

Sis, haters ain’t gonna clap for you but you do you anyway. Fuck them and shine on ✨

@KoKeniSaskqatch ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

AI is kind of like Temu for thinking

Explain it to me like I'm 5. Now like I'm 72. Now do a silly one.

Turns out wearing maternity pants to the dinner table was a good idea.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

What if I wrote a 6 and a half minute waltz about a tragic boat sinking? Gordon Lightfoot, probably.

You don’t scare me. I come from a family that fits in on Twitter.

Sometimes I like to secretly burn toast in the office just to make my co-workers think they're having a stroke.

I finally figured out why it's called an end table. From reading these posts.

I finally figured out why it's called an end table. When I walked into it in the wee hours of the morning, it ended me. 🙏 👻

You can’t have popsicles for breakfast, I tell my kids through a mouthful of pie

Wait what?! Black Friday?! They already get an entire month ffs

If you can still breathe, you didn’t eat enough.

I finally figured out why it's called an end table. That's where all my shit ends up.

Glossy lips, bossy hips.

Anyone else's hubby up at the crack of dawn, on a snowy, frozen November, facing off against a large snow dragon, that has engulfed their vehicle, armed with little more than a leaf blower?

When vomiting, it's important to know which bowl is the toilet and which bowl is the bidet. I know that now.