Christopher Ingraham🦗
@_cingraham
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Reporter, Minnesota Reformer. Ex-WaPo, Brookings, Pew. The guy who let all the crickets out. Author of If You Lived Here You'd Be Home By Now.
Minnesota
Joined January 2012
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Pinned Tweet
So, some personal news: I've joined the staff of
@MNReformer
, and independent non-profit newsroom based in the Twin Cities
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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Federal taxes paid, first year in office
Ronald Reagan: $165,202
George H.W. Bush: $101,382
Bill Clinton: $62,670
George W. Bush: $250,221
Barack Obama: $1,792,414
Donald Trump: $750
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If Jeff Bezos gave all 876,000 Amazon employees a $105,000 bonus, he'd be left with exactly as much money as he had at the start of the pandemic.
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Google was rotting from the inside out before AI came around but it's going to get 10 times worse
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Making a list in Word
1. Word plz make me a list
2. No wait what are you d
2. 2. wtf is this
c. no this isn't what
• WTF
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“I love my Tesla but it almost killed my entire family for no discernible reason and also the service is dogshit” remains an unbeatable genre of post
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I make this information public because if I do not send any tweets tomorrow, it is because my wife murdered me after finding a cricket in our bed in the middle of the night.
And that's the news from Red Lake Falls.
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When lawmakers say "I want to vote for X but I won't because of the death threats I'm receiving," that sends a clear message to extremists that death threats work.
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Trump: I'm gonna seize the voting machines and declare myself emperor
Biden: We need to pass a law so nobody can seize voting machines and declare themselves emperor
Political media: Biden is exactly like Trump
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Staying at a north woods cabin in the middle of nowhere. In the morning the 6-year-old says “dad. I made a new friend last night.”
Me: oh yeah?
6: yeah. She lives under the bed. She helped me fall asleep, and she says she can help you sleep too.
Me: 👀
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Not even two weeks ago the White House press secretary mocked the idea of sending tests to everyone
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Of course by this point many had migrated elsewhere. They were in the closet. In the shoes. Making their way downstairs to the playroom. The cats were having what I can only imagine was the greatest day of their lives.
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you can't even bind cursed tomes in human flesh anymore, because of woke
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My dog when he falls for the ball throw fakeout for the seventh time in a row
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Stuff like this is why it’s so hard to kill this website (OP is Susan Sarandon’s son)
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Some personal news: today was my first day as a graphic designer for the royal family! Already shipped my first big project💪❤️💪❤️
Now to check the headlines
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I tried to collect all of them. It was like the world's shittiest game of Pokemon. But here we are, roughly 10 hours after the initial catastrophe, and stray crickets are still turning up in odd places.
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This is the equivalent of a median net worth American donating 63 cents
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m co-hosting a fundraiser for Donald Trump next week. Here’s why.
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This was sharper political analysis than 99% of what appeared in the prestige media
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So, yeah. This tweet hasn't aged well.
Trump is
-- Not going to build a wall
-- Not going to deport millions
-- Not going to ban Muslims
Stop taking him literally.
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One year ago, I tried to open a box
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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About 20 minutes later I'm back at work on my computer, and I hear my wife in the kitchen: "where are these goddamn crickets coming from." I freely admit I had not kept her fully up-to-date on my cricket purchasing plans.
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Some personal news: after two rounds of chemo the tumor in my liver has been completely obliterated. Still have four rounds to go to kill off any remaining cancer cells but this is great news, and augurs very well for long term disease-free survival!
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Some personal news: I now officially have a least-favorite child
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You're not mad at seat recliners, you're mad at a capitalist system that turns the pursuit of minimal comfort and dignity into a zero-sum game in order to maximize profits.
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The World’s Worst Cat has discovered that he can wake the big people up by barging into the toddler’s room at 6 AM and waking *him* up.
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NEW:
@jacobbogage
got USPS data showing at least 671 USPS mail sorting machines have been removed across the country since June. Represents a reduction in national mail sorting capacity of 21.4 million pieces of mail per hour.
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Dude moved from Georgia to join the Seattle Times editorial board, wrote one column, started hollering about Hitler online, and was immediately fired. Incredible stuff.
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Minnesotans put the face of the guy who didn’t realize he was legalizing edibles on the packaging of their edibles. Absolutely savage
Look what I just picked up.
Way to get in on the game, Jim.
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As a reporter, how do you ask a question like "will Christmas presents arrive on time, sir?" without dying of embarrassment?
WATCH: Joe Biden ignores questions from reporters.
“Will Christmas presents arrive on time, sir?”
“What are you going to do to lower gasoline prices?”
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I mean, can you imagine?
Wife: THERE'S A CRICKET IN MY PUMPKIN PIE
Me: This is tremendous content, where's my phone
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They were in a cardboard box. And I cut the tape and opened the box and SURPRISE! Crickets everywhere. It was the middle of the workday and I didn't have time to deal with cricket logistics, so I put the tape back on the box.
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USPS reported about 300,000 untraceable ballots today -- those that have entered processing facilities but not left them. Not clear, at this point, how many of these will turn up in today's facility sweeps.
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Harvard fencing coach's house sells for almost twice its assessed value. Town assessor notes: "makes no sense." It was bought by a wealthy Maryland businessman whose kid was subsequently accepted to Harvard and joined the fencing team.
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I still can't believe a violent mob attacked the Capitol and the next day Congress just went home.
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With the benefit of hindsight, this was a mistake.
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I'm pleased to report that I'm still alive, and that my marriage is still intact! You all had so much fun with this that my editor made me turn it into a story, which I present to you here, as a sort of director's cut of this thread.
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For some reason my first instinct is to flush the toilet, as if that will do anything to solve the problem of crickets in all the other places that were not the toilet. I shut the door. "Uh, don't come in here!" I try to sound cheerful.
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Everything we’re going through is the result of deliberate decisions made by our political leaders.
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Some personal news: got my final scans done yesterday and I officially beat stage 4 cancer!
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"Let my building burn, justice needs to be served"
This post is from the family behind beloved Gandhi Mahal restaurant says so much about the vibrant south Minneapolis neighborhood where
#GeorgeFloyd
protests are happening.
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In the past 24 hours we've seen op-eds arguing that Medicare for All would be *bad* because:
-- People would use it
-- People would no longer have to work bad jobs for good health care
Really useful window into how parts of the ruling class think about the people below them.
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We pay Senators $15,000 a month not to work so I'm not sure what the objection is here
Government paying $300 per child every month not to work is socialism
And the radical left is just one Senate comrade away from making it the law
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Hey everyone. I've got kind of a crappy health update to share.
I'm being treated for bile duct cancer at the Mayo Clinic here in MN. As far as cancers go it's a bad one, right up there with pancreatic cancer in terms of grim overall prognosis. (1/n)
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Since we're digging up "troubled pasts" now, here's just a sliver of United's.
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I'm trying to wrap up a story but I keep hearing cricket-related exclamations coming from the kitchen. Eventually I get up to investigate. I say, "So uh the crickets got here toda--"
"I REALIZE THAT," she says. "WHY ARE THEY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN"
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One of the things you hear a lot is that an assault weapons ban wouldn't do much because there are so many already in circulation. But like, the Buffalo and Uvalde murderers purchased their weapons *this year.*
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But I'm glad you all enjoyed our suffering, we've been laughing our asses off at your responses all day which almost makes it all worth it. To my new followers, I look forward to disappointing you in 2019.
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Crickets on the floor. Crickets on the walls. Crickets in the sink. Crickets in the toilet.
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Some public support/approval numbers:
Congress: 20%
Donald Trump: 37%
Single-payer healthcare: 52%
Legal marijuana: 64%
Gay marriage: 64%
Pope Francis: 66%
Assault weapons ban: 67%
Cats: 72%
Dogs: 88%
Interracial marriage: 91%
Universal gun background checks: 97%
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And then I put the box in the upstairs bathroom, the only semi-contained place in the house where I knew the kids and the cats and the dogs wouldn't be able to get at the box and tear it open and unleash 250 hungry crickets into our warm, semi-humid environment.
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I say "That's a good question. Let me check something." I walk over to the bathroom. I open the door. There are crickets. Everywhere.
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Annual military spending on
Viagra: $41.6 million
Cialis: $22.8 million
Trans medical care: $8.4 million
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White House press release (left) contains full paragraph copied verbatim from Exxon press release (right).
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Apparently I had not sealed the box shut as well as I should have. I ended up rushing out to the shed, in the 18" of snow and below zero temperatures, to pick up a spare aquarium we had. I spent about 45 minutes collecting crickets from the bathroom.
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And at first I was like "okay, maybe one or two got out when I initially opened the box. No biggie." I kept working.
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I love Twitter because half of you are like “you need to RUN” and the other half are like “wait, could the forest demon help me sleep too?”
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The website of Donald Trump, who has spent several days in a row at the golf course, is coded to serve up the following message in the event of an internal server error:
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CNN homepage right now. This is kind of the point of the showboating by Cruz et. al.: get "Jackson" and "critical race theory" together in headlines and chyrons. Media outlets might consider how much they enable this behavior with their coverage.
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@thetomzone
It gets better: the sample only included people who are *actively searching for a job*. None of the people who left their prior job and are happy at their new one are included
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Me: Hahaha you can’t *possibly* be mistaking gryllus pennsylvanicus for acheta domesticus, they’re as different as different can be!
Neighbors: It was a mistake, letting you into our community
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That Schultz, who has no policy experience and no national following to speak of, can nab a 60 Minutes profile is basically a textbook example of how wealth begets political power.
Serious question:
Why does a coffee executive deserve wall-to-wall coverage of merely considering a quixotic presidential run?
Not that actually throwing his hat in the ring would require as much airtime as he’s gotten.
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Cancer update, and it's finally a good one: the tumor on my bile duct is not the extremely aggressive form of bile duct cancer it appeared to be, but rather a garden variety lymphoma mimicking a cholangiocarcinoma.
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People who claim to be waiting for full FDA approval to get vaccinated have precisely the same energy as ‘undecided’ voters waiting until the 3rd debate to pick a candidate — tremendously ill-informed, but trying to pass it off as thoughtfulness.
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To all you monsters who demanded photos of the infestation: believe it or not, while a horde of crickets was marauding through my house I did not think to whip out my phone and start snapping pics
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Redditor creates a photorealistic portrait of George Washington as a modern-day politician
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July 27, 2016, Trump: "Russia, if you're listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing."
Indictment: That evening, Russian operatives targeted Clinton campaign emails "for the first time."
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A night like this underscores how Twitter just doesn’t have the juice it used to. 5 years ago there would have been thousands of jokes and shitposts, it would have been impossible to keep up. Now there’s just a trickle comparatively speaking
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Spicer says there's been a "dramatic expansion of the federal workforce in recent years." This is unequivocally false.
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I was a healthy person subsidizing sick people until my twins were born premature and had to spend 6 weeks in the NICU
Trump adviser Moore on unfairness of the healthy subsidizing the sick: "people want insurance for their own families, not other peoples' "
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The thing that strikes me in these videos is the complete lack of self-awareness. Like you can tell the dude has been running the courtroom as his own private little fiefdom for *years.* Absolutely zero filter. Makes you wonder how many other judges operate like this.
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Behold: the face of a dog who ate all three feet of a fresh baguette and chomped into three tomatoes, an apple, and one of my wife’s shoes when the family briefly stepped out of the house this evening
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Per Thomas Piketty roughly 60% of America's wealth is inherited, meaning most of America's riches are owned by people who didn't work for them.
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Stunning chart: the share of men under 30 who aren't having sex has nearly tripled in the past decade
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Basically every news outlet is framing it like this and I wish they wouldn’t. It’s a victory for democracy and fair representation, which benefit everyone
The Supreme Court just gave Democrats their biggest victory yet ahead of the 2018 midterms
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Wow: Trump's "Election Integrity" commission is requesting full voter rolls, including names and party affiliations, from every single state
The letter
@KrisKobach1787
is sending to states confirms: Pence and Kobach are laying the groundwork for voter suppression, plain & simple.
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Nebraska Republican representative John McCollister criticizes Trump for “enabling white supremacy.” State GOP responds by telling him to leave the party.
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After this weekend (5 Mar-a-Lago trips), Trump will have spent equivalent of 2.3 million meals for needy seniors on golf trips to Florida
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“It’s always interesting to learn new trivia facts like this!” is something Linda Yaccarino would tweet
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*driving around in a snowstorm with my windshield wipers turned off* how could BLM do this to me
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Three extraordinary new papers quantify how conservative media outlets like Fox News misled their viewers in the early days of the pandemic, showing how that misinformation may have discouraged protective behavior and worsened the severity of the outbreak
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He literally throws himself against the door until it flies open. The pounding terrifies the 2 year old, who starts screaming. Then once we're up the cat goes tear-assing through the house because he knows if we catch him we'll toss him outside.
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I somehow missed the President's extended monologue last month on the use of soup as a deadly protest weapon. "Big bags of soup."
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Winter geometry: the stem of this leaf got stuck in the snow. The wind spun it around over and over, creating a perfect circle
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"I'm so full of shit even Newsmax won't air me" is a phenomenal flex
BTW
@newsmax
is also blocking coverage of “2000 Mules.” I was booked on Grant Stinchfield’s Newsmax show and then the network cancelled on me. Criticize the move if you like, but why isn’t this a legitimate news story? How can so-called news networks pretend it doesn’t exist?
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NYT: racial overtone
CNN: racial undertone
Politico: racially charged
WaPo: racially tinged
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2-year-old: I want string cheese for breakfast
Me: Go for it kid. It’s the end of days. No gods, no kings. We are done with the old ways
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I don't think the gravity of what's happening with the GOP has sunk in yet for most people, but every political scientist in my timeline is talking like this.
If Mitt Romney had real courage, he would announce today that he is leaving the Republican Party, and forming a new Conservative Party, and invite elected Republicans who oppose the Texas lawsuit to follow him. As of today, the Republican Party can no longer be saved.
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The Trump Disapproval Crocodile continues to grow teeth
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Somebody actually made Bernie Sanders explain why he wears mittens when it's cold
.
@BernieSanders
talks about his mittens and coat "You know in Vermont, we dress warm, we know something about the cold, and we're not so concerned about good fashion, we want to keep warm. And that's what I did today."
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Been thinking about life and mortality today. I’d rather die gloriously in battle than from a virus. In a way it doesn’t matter. But it kinda does.
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Two-year-old just up and called me “Chris” out of the blue. “Thank you for making dinner, Chris.” Like I’m his goddamn co-worker or something.
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