The Onion
@TheOnion
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America's Finest News Source. A @globtetrahedron subsidiary. Get the paper delivered to your door: https://t.co/jJP2Apbhe8
Joined March 2008
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‘Welcome To Derry’ Viewer Can Tell Pennywise Got Work Done
theonion.com
BOSTON—Remarking that the malevolent clown seemed not to have aged a day in the years since his last screen appearance, It: Welcome To Derry viewer Alana Meyer told reporters Sunday that she could...
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Family Dinner Successfully Covers Topics Of Movies And TV
theonion.com
WAYZATA, MN—Having delved into a robust discussion over the implications of last week’s Gotham shortly after sitting down, which was quickly followed by a roundtable appraisal of the latest Hunger...
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Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe
theonion.com
ATLANTA—Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall Willem Dafoe in stores nationwi...
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Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator
theonion.com
ATLANTA—An elevator at the Airport Ramada Inn was boarded Friday afternoon by a dripping wet 7-year-old child, sources within the hotel reported. Eyewitnesses confirmed the drenched youth, who wore a...
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Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration https://t.co/IRVKZvckm5
theonion.com
WASHINGTON—In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump...
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Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing
theonion.com
MONTECITO, CA—Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. “When I learned about the strength of Canadian...
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Nation’s Nutritionists Confirm Mini Versions Of Food Nummier
theonion.com
STANFORD, CA—Stating that the reduced dimensions of such items directly correlated with elevated levels of scrumptiousness, nutritionists at the Food Research Institute confirmed in a report Friday...
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Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces
theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive...
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Yorgos Lanthimos Figures He 3 Films Away From Hanging With Emma Stone Outside Work
theonion.com
ATHENS, GREECE—Longing for the day they might cross the threshold from work friends to real friends, director Yorgos Lanthimos reportedly calculated Tuesday that he was only three films away from...
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37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month
theonion.com
SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday...
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Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She’s Considered Dance Lessons
theonion.com
NEW YORK—Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. “They’re...
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Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security
theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to...
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
theonion.com
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland...
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