Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Arms should be removable at bedtime.

🎶 Never gonna get you out Never gonna heat you up Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you -me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Bump in the night? No, I’m more scared of things that go bump in the day. Like If someone bumps into my car, that’s like $2,000 that I really don’t have

me: I like bird watching date: I prefer bad boys me: *nervously* I only watch geese

How many calories are in post-nasal drip?

Well well well, if it isn’t me getting takeout after spending $300 on groceries.

I’m starting to get second thoughts about this discount meal kit service

Anyone else have that one friend that just jumps out at any given moment so they can scare you? Ya, well their Personality trait is a Toaster

Him: Let me be frank. Frank: No, it's my turn.

A big shout out to the inventor of hugs. A+

I'm saving all my good tweets for when there are more of you.

People who say “that’s too much cheese” are not my people.

Twitter has been very educational for me. For instance did you know there are several people named Nate?

I sure hope the Bengals release like 100 tigers into the crowd if they win.

One time I ate four Doritos and then stopped.

Just had a dream where my parents got a divorce over not evenly splitting a bag of fruit snacks