Rachel Dratch
@TheRealDratch
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Actor/Author/Amateur Therapist
NY, NY
Joined March 2009
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Every time someone says the president is a child or a toddler all I can think of is I've never met a child who's this much of a dick.
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Somehow went from “Suck it up, Snowflake, you lost!” to “Oh we lost? Let’s shred the Constitution.”
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Anyone else feel like their entire being and every cell within cannot take another second of this guy?
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I love how people are saying these kids are actors. Have you *seen* a high school play?
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Puerto Rico has no power and a dam is about to collapse. Meanwhile you are a 6th grade mean girl having a slumber party.
Going to the White House is considered a great honor for a championship team.Stephen Curry is hesitating,therefore invitation is withdrawn!
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Amy Poehler was named one of the 40 most powerful people in comedy and her answers to these questions are genius:
(Also before you bust me out- I realize my battery is on 4%)
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Remember a couple days ago when it was confirmed the election was hacked in 21 states? A fraction of the coverage of NFL. Well done, donnie!
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Thanks
@amyklobuchar
for being such a good sport throughout the SNL campaign season. I admire the heck out of you, and I think you would have made a great president.
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It's 5:50 am & his tweet is gone. The sun rises &we all walk home in our party clothes.Was it all just a dream? The wind whispered...covfefe
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This opening sentence is written in total Debbie Downer-speak. 😂
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2/22/22 is probably the coolest birthday I will have and i feel like I should be doing some pagan dance in the woods to honor the auspicious date but instead I’m just tweeting.
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These f'ing Hollywood elites! Stick to acting!
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This is so cool! And might I say,
@amyklobuchar
, you play a good you!
OK
@TheRealDratch
you played a good me on
@nbcsnl
tonight. You were so good that you even got my daughter to text me on a Saturday night (a first).
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And then the next day, after the GLORY AND GLAMOUR 🤩😍, when you bump into your SNL castmate at the playground with kids in tow. 😊
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I wanted to send some love to
#BruceWillis
. He’s the first celebrity I ever met. Back in the 90’s, touring with Second City at a show in Sun Valley,ID. Imagine our delight when we found out he was in the audience! He came backstage and couldn’t have been sweeter to us wannabes.❤️
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Due to Rocket Man tweet I learned the lyric is "burning out his fuse up here alone,"not "burnin onna heema-hemma-mo" as I thought.Thanks DT!
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Waiting for 1st Republican in congress to stand & say "The prez is batshit & not fit to lead": I will build a statue of u in a public square
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Also like anyone that good would take this gig. “Yeah it was between being on Stranger Things or doing a school shooting.”
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My favorite moments on SNL:
1)Cracking up in Debbie downer disney 2)Hot tub lovers 3)Rigging 2000 election so that George W beat Al Gore
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Well, Patti LuPone walked by me and said “Hi,Rachel!” so actually I am a WINNER!!
#TonyAwards
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ALERT: THERE IS AN ASSHOLE IN THE WHITE HOUSE. THIS IS NOT A TEST.
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Anyone else feel like eating an entire chocolate cake right about now? I’m talkin entenmanns, like a feminist feelings cake. I don’t have one on hand, just reaching out for like-minded souls.
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Sooo, we're just gonna keep terrorizing our kids so everyone can have guns when they want em and NRA is comfy. And it's barely front page news this time. Got it.
BREAKING: California sheriff says gunman tried to get into rooms at elementary school to shoot more kids, but lockdown saved lives.
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In honor of
@girlscouts
Cookie season i just thought of a new verb: SLEEVING. As in, "I sleeved some thin mints really hard last night."
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Whenever I read tweets telling Biden to run his negative ads I think “Joe, roll that beautiful bean footage.”
This isn’t a good tweet, I know, but I’ve been on here for 10 hrs.
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I nevah thought I’d say this but I made it to the Supahbowl!
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MAY 10, LADIES!
(and gents)
Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Paula Pell, Emily Spivey, and Tina Fey star in Wine Country — a new movie about friendship, aging, and drinking. Lots and lots and lots of drinking.
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Hey just wondering, any chance we are going to do something about guns?
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Say, ladies! Have you heard? EVERYONE is talking about John Podesta!
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A good sense of humor is essential for any candidate, in my book! Thanks
@amyklobuchar
for being a good sport! Happy holidays!
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Did you see
@SpiderVerse
yet? It’s opening weekend!
DON’T MAKE ME CALL YOU INTO MY OFFICE!
#spiderverse
🕷️
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I’d like to think that lady in the restaurant holding a baby is what finally put him over the edge
#pruitt
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And then they came for the elephants, and I was like "Oh come onnn what the fuuuck?!"
Trump administration plans to reverse Obama-era ban on import of elephant trophies from Africa.
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Chicago does not f around. I received this parking ticket in the mail today. Look at date. It's from TWENTY years ago
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What an honor and a joy to be part of this evening.
#pinchme
The biggest thanks to Eddie Murphy,
@lizzo
,
@TheRealDratch
, Larry David, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen,
@MayaRudolph
,
@ABFalecbaldwin
,
@TracyMorgan
,
@chrisrock
, and
@DaveChappelle
. (also, Usher) GOODNIGHT and happy holidays!
#SNL
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So, for the pool, who had 6 months, 2 weeks and 5 days for Nuclear War Escalation?
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It’s this guy and his pals, or your kids. Choose wisely Nov 6.
REPORTER: Have you read the alarming UN report about imminent, drastic climate change?
TRUMP: "It was given to me, & I want to look at who drew it. You know, which group drew it, because I can give you reports that are fabulous & reports that aren't so good."
#DrewIt
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Absolutely sickening. This man is married to a US citizen and has 2 young daughters. He had delivered pizza to this base many times before and the soldiers called ICE on him? That is some straight up, turning-in-your-neighbors Nazi shit.
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Can someone just tell me how many sheets of stamps I have to buy to, like, save democracy?
#SaveTheUSPS
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Biden now ahead in Georgia!!
From me, your source for news?
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Pompeo just took the
#1
spot on today’s shit list, knocking McConnell off the top spot.
“The world is watching” he says? You mean the world that just lit off fireworks and rang church bells in celebration of you all losing the election by MILLIONS of votes? GTFO
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The brave teens speaking out about reforming gun laws are so inspirational.
Also I’m like “Oh! Oh! Do climate change next!”
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Wow. She is taking a lot of freedoms with the freedom of speech.
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Every once in awhile I decide to treat myself.
#becauseimworthit
BREAKING: Leonardo da Vinci's Christ painting 'Savior of the World' sells for record $450 million at New York auction.
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Someday when & if this is all behind us, I hope to be at a giant dance party in the streets w/ all the strangers on twitter who got me thru.
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It's so funny looking back at my hs photos from the 80's cause in every one I'm wearing my acid-washed emails
My son Donald openly gave his e-mails to the media & authorities whereas Crooked Hillary Clinton deleted (& acid washed) her 33,000 e-mails!
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The fact that no one seems to have the power to take his damn *phone* away makes me extremely nervous about all the other buttons
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Oh, that feeling when you accidentally wake up at 4 am and now you’ve read the whole internet...
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There👏is👏no👏new👏trump👏and👏I've👏never👏done👏this👏clappy👏thing👏before.
Tonight is a new President Trump: Acknowledging a flip-flop and talking about gravity of office, history & substance.
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I mean... I just...the guy leaves no evil unexplored
JUST IN: Trump ends Obama-era ban on importing sport-hunted elephant trophies
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Had to share this because it is written in perfect Debbie Downer-speak
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So...does the concept of “bedtime” for kids just not exist anymore?
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When this is all just a TV movie, I would like to play Jack Mitnick, the man who did Trump's taxes who is now 80-years old and living in FL
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I’m just so angry and sickened and sad about our country and guns. Kids are dying and we do jackshit again and again. And GOP how dare you mention prayers. Your “prayers” are a parody of inaction at this point.
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GOP ethos defined:
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If this is true, it should be career-ending.*
(*A sentence we have said hundreds of times in last 4 years)
Just confirmed
@SenTedCruz
and his family flew to Cancun tonight for a few days at a resort they've visited before. Cruz seems to believe there isn't much for him to do in Texas for the millions of fellow Texans who remain without electricity/water and are literally freezing.
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Of all the unnecessary plastic in our lives, this is the most unecessar-iest of all
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Looking forward to Jan 20 when I can stop willing time to pass quickly.
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The biggest thing I learned about myself from the Kondo process:
THONGS DO NOT SPARK JOY.
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And this is the person he hired to give the "REAL NEWS"
Ma'am, show yourself out
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Mazel tov cocktails are what I reward myself with after a long hard day of controlling the media.
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Why is Hawley even talking? With all due respect, this is a time for him to STFU
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I’ve been sleeping like a baby this week!*
*waking up every 2 hours
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This is true
Donald Trump came down harder on Megan Rapinoe for speaking than he did on Kim Jong-un for literally killing Otto Warmbier.
#TrumpRewardsOttosMurderer
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I'm gonna put trump getting impeached on my Vision Board.
#puttingitintotheUNIVERSE
💕💕💕💕🌟💫💫✨💕💕💕
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I am so tired of these RICH, UNGRATEFUL, ANTI-AMERICAN men who want to take away our healthcare
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Good mornin’!
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Here’s a fun thing that we did this year- adopted this little lady from
@muddypawsnyc
!
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Melania follows Trump's lead by refusing to offer meeting with Jill Biden
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Tonight I was flipping back and forth from the Olympics to Hoarders. Like to think I fall somewhere in between.
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Been trying to ignore donnie’s lies and tweets like you would a kid having a screaming fit in a restaurant, but today I’m just furious at “the adults” in his circle. Like, “ok can you take him out of the restaurant now?”
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I’m realizing that my rent for a small apt in Chicago was 600 dollars...in 1998.
This week, Republicans objected to giving workers $1,200 checks to pay rent and feed their families.
Why?
“The deficit.”
They didn’t care about the deficit when they passed $2 trillion in tax cuts for big corporations and millionaires.
The biggest deficit is in their values.
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Today my son’s whole zoom class overheard me screaming “ALEXA! STOP IT!” in the background. In my defense I was saying “Play Beastie Boys” and she launched into “Barbara Ann” 3 times.
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A simple observation: I've never once heard trump mention the word "peace" as a goal, a priority or as a concept. And that, is truly, sad.
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Hey
@IvankaTrump
your dad eats this shit up. He incites violence in a daily basis. So until your father is out of office, no, America isn’t better than this.
I strongly condemn the attempted acts of violence against President Obama, the Clinton family,
@CNN
& others. There is no excuse—America is better than this.
Gratitude to the
@SecretService
and law enforcement for all they do to keep this nation safe.
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Does he know "Great Wall"™ is already taken? Maybe "Huge Wall" more on brand...
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Just tried to make penne a la vodka and it tastes like a Bloody Mary. I look forward to a time in the future when I’m not eating my own cooking.
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This is not a comic tweet but merely a cry out to the (vanishing) wilderness:
How can the stupidest person be in charge? Why oh why we are allowing this monster to destroy the future. I'm just baffled by it.
JUST IN: White House to ask for 72 percent cut to renewable energy programs: report
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Tommy, tell me you got that!
#wickedgoodrepawting
!
Sometimes that Boston accent slips out when you least expect it
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Am i the only one who doesn’t even find this funny? Yes it would make a great sketch that you could pretty much do verbatim but WHY ARE WE GIVING THESE CLOWNS THE *LITERAL* TIME OF DAY?
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When someone tells you not to look up at the sun today even though of course you knew that, that's
#moonsplaining
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Did The Hulk write this?
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One basic guideline I'd kinda like a president to follow is don't use the phrase "son of a bitch" in a public address.
Trump wishes NFL owners would tell anthem protesters "get that son of a bitch off the field right now"
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The act of looking forward to the Mueller hearings as if anything will come of it feels like having lunch with an ex that you are hoping to get back together with.
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Regarding State of the Union address, every time I see “SOTU,” my mind changes it to “STFU” so its doing me a favor.
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Within a minute of meeting
@jvn
this at
#celebrityautobiography
this was happening. I mean...hennies dreams were coming true!😂
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I guess the only benefit of the violent uprising is it made me briefly forget about the deadly pandemic.
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