Soren Bowie
@Soren_Ltd
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Writer at @AmericanDadTBS . 1/2 of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel. Formerly at Cracked.
Los Angeles
Joined October 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Me with every tweet I make on this stupid website.
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One time I told this website that AK-47 stood for “automatic kifle” and some of you threatened to kill me.
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It pisses me off when the best Halloween costume shows up immediately after Halloween and there’s no way people will remember the context next year.
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What’s the most inexhaustible song you love every single time you hear it without any sign of fatigue?
NOTE: please don’t use this as an opportunity to show off your Cool Taste™. Genuine answers only.
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Man, poor PewDiePie. Could you even imagine being associated with an atrocity like this just because some violent extremist misinterpreted your beliefs? It's-- wait-- OK, could all the Muslims please stop raising their hands at once?
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She knows she’s allowed to edit out the interviews that are embarrassing for her, right?
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Not many people know but the AK in AK-47 stands for Assualt Kifle.
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I don’t feel like my cat fully appreciates the fact that, thanks to me, she gets to taste an animal as big as a cow.
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Jokes aside, I just want to say that without Twitter and all of you on here, I think my quality of life would be much better and I regularly hate myself for letting any of you reckless strangers make me feel anything.
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I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of standing over my son’s crib as he sleeps thinking, “I made this. With an alan wrench and some detailed directions, I made this.”
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@wizkhalifa
@RonFunches
Yes but have you tried lying in bed for hours crippled by your thoughts and then just getting up?
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I don’t understand why everyone is blaming Trump for not bringing Barron to the World Series. Have you all forgotten so quickly that when Obama was President, he didn’t bring Barron either? Let that sink in.
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When people in 2016 said “at least there’ll be good art made” I didn’t anticipate it would come in the form of Jim Gaffigan napalming dummies all night.
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Who are those 2% of Breitbart readers who think the President should be impeached? I want to meet them.
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If you fools think for a second he’s not going to walk through this easily and asymptomatically then you never really knew 2020.
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I used to think it was far-fetched in Hook that Peter forgot so many important moments from his childhood until I became an adult and had to call my mom to see if I’ve ever been on a boat.
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Well I watched my first written by episode of American Dad tonight with my parents and their friends and I can say confidently it was a spectacular failure in the 70 year-old demographic.
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Dear Elon,
9 days ago access to my work computer was cut but HR cannot confirm I was ever an employee. Please tell them about me Elon, tell them how I shipped all those horses to women who agreed to touch your weird dick. It was a very complicated job, Elon.
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It never stops being surreal to see this. New episode out this summer featuring the real Scottie Pippen! So, you know, do what you need to do to prepare.
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I would Misery my own legs after this kind of ratio just to save face.
Even after a 12 hour night shift at the hospital last night, my wife still has the energy to shovel the driveway. God bless her and all our frontliners. Time to make her some breakfast. 🙏🏽
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Men, do your part to break down the incel community by, for instance, letting them know women aren’t the only people who find them insufferable.
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Sad to say today is my last day at . It's been a dream job. Thank you for giving me the opportunity
@cracked
.
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Here’s why I hate the Writers Strike:
I love my job. I work with great people and I write for a show I love and respect. Tomorrow was supposed to be the table read for an episode I wrote and which I was really proud of…
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I hate the Writers Strike for selfish reasons but it’s crucial to preserving this industry. So I’ll carry my signs and lay on my horn when I see other people doing the same. We’re all in this together.
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@yusufyuie
Hunter S. Thompson came out of his house to yell at me that snowmobiles were for brain dead zombies. I was fourteen and it was summer.
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I took a week off all social media, used that free time to build a canoe in my garage. It was badly flawed and my uncle drowned. Just a reminder to stay on Twitter if you cherish your uncles.
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Several of my very good friends lost their jobs today at Cracked. They are smart, funny people who any site, magazine, newspaper, show would be crazy not to snatch up. Yessir, a company would have to be pretty dense not to recognize their talent.
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The problem with this platform is that a lot of you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
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Me: Do you understand what it means when living things die?
Son: Yes.
Me: So where do you think things go when they die?
Son: Basement.
Me: Our basement?
Son: Yes. My basement.
Me: Coolcoolcool. Ok. Goodnight.
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Rings of Powers is good I guess but I feel like J.K. Token stole a bunch of stuff from this old game called Skyrim.
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This is obviously wonderful news for
@DOB_INC
and exactly where he belongs, but also heartbreaking news for his friend, Soren, who will stay in Los Angeles trying to remember how pen pals work.
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Batman: Alfred, I’m thinking of telling Vicki Vale about the Batcave.
Alfred: I wouldn’t, sir.
Batman: Then Selina Kyle. Or a boy maybe. A boy from the circus.
Alfred: Is this about the giant dime, sir?
Batman: It’s like, what’s the point of having it if I can’t show anyone?!
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All little kids like garbage trucks. Something about the size, the greasy noises, the headlong acceptance of filth hits all their bliss points. But my son’s appreciation teeters on the brink of worrisome obsession. (Thread)
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My son would like to make you an old fashioned with some homemade bitters he’s been tinkering with.
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This is stupid. Bananas are how I get all my potassium so I have the energy to keep sucking dick so good.
Wiz Khalifa: “Straight Men Shouldn’t Eat Bananas”
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Me: *Pushing cup against any ice dispenser*
Ice Dispenser: “Wait, you want what?Ice? Ugh, hang on. OK, you can have two cubes. But that’s it.”
Me: *Pulling cup away*
Ice Dispenser: “And also these other twenty-three take them quickly there’s no time!”
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And from the ashes, a mighty phoenix will emerge and the people of the world shall look upon it’s majesty and say, “Oh. That again. I thought we moved on.”
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It’s pretty funny to me that for the rest of his life Rudy Giuliani has to lie down to tuck his shirt in just in case someone is watching.
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The thing no one talks about is that the bar is laughably low for being a good dad in our culture.
BEST DAD: When his son wanted to dance to "Frozen" songs, this dad put on an Elsa costume and danced with him – because it's important to just "let it go" and be yourself 💙
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On our walks, my son likes to hold hands with his left so his right is free to grab the things he loves the most along the way. I hold his hand with my right for the same reason.
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It’s exhausting explaining to city people why guns are NECESSARY in places like the mountains where I grew up. YES there are really WOLVES, YES they eat guns and NEED a steady diet of guns or else they start digging up the lead piping under our most treasured historic buildings.
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I’ve decided I want Katie Willert to do commentary for everything from now on. This is a wonderful moment.
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If you’re an adult who still celebrates your birthday, eats kids cereal, orders juice or milk at a restaurant then congratulations, I’m glad you found things that bring you happiness, keep doing what you’re doing.
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A thing I don’t think a lot of liberals realize about the right is they genuinely believe democracy died when Obama was elected. They’re not trying to make anything better, they’re only goal is to push democrats into the fire because it feels good.
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I present to you: A Perponderance of Women in Where’s Waldo Being Horny Out Loud.
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Which kids? The ones who have survived mass shootings in their schools or the ones who heard the president talk about moving on married women like a bitch?
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Shout out to all the youngest siblings out there who “believed” in Santa far too long because they knew the minute they stopped it would fundamentally change Christmas in the family forever.
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Sometimes when I see my son just playing in the garden, I look on and think to myself, “I can’t believe I created a life. And now that fucking kid is pulling it out of the ground and smashing it like a total asshole.”
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Pretty narrow demo for this joke but, what the hell, throw it at the wall and see if it Styx.
stop calling me karen!!! i am charon, and i am the ferryman of the dead
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Conservatives announcing they would die to save the economy is a superhero’s fallacy. They don’t get to make that choice. The choice is whether you would let the people around you die to keep your money.
The virus discourse on right wing twitter keeps getting worse
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Let’s play: how many words does it take to avoid saying police killed a teenage girl.
Update: As ofcrs contacted the suspect and OIS occurred, one of the officer’s rounds penetrated a wall that was behind the suspect, beyond that wall was a dressing room. Officers search the dressing room and found a 14 year old female victim who was struck by gunfire.
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Say what you will about the Zodiac killer, he didn’t fly off to Cancun when he had a job to do.
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Jokeless sappiness forthcoming:: We did a Cracked goodbye show tonight orchestrated by
@DOB_INC
and it was incredible to see my friends kill it on stage and to hear how much the site once meant to the audience. It was really magical in a very genuine way.
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I forgot school was cancelled for Veteran’s Day so it became Bring Your Kid To The Writers’ Room Day instead.
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LOL, I used to be a bellboy at a resort and chase black bears out of people’s hot tubs. Fuckin defund the police and stop being so scared of nature.
But by all means, let’s abolish the police! Would love to see a “social worker” take care of this one.
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Years ago a magician messed up a card trick and told me I’d eventually see my card again. I just found a single playing card outside a Ralph’s. It also was not my card but I can appreciate how neat that would have been.
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@KEBrightbill
I accidentally cut myself with a secret pocket knife I wasn’t allowed to have when I was five. I dragged a piece of paper through it so I could tell my parents it was a paper cut and provide evidence. I had to get stitches.
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Holy shit, we're a Jeopardy answer!
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I’m building bullshit again and yes this is a brag because I’m proud of my bullshit.
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When my son doesn’t want to go to bed, he calls me into his room to lie to me about animal facts because he knows I’ll stick around and ask questions. Tonight he told me snails can clap with their eyes.
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So it turns out ancient Greeks had Delta AND Omicron in their alphabet?? That’s a little too convenient, what did they know??
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Here’s some extremely valuable advice for any interaction you have with an artist or creator you are a fan of:
Revealing a deep knowledge of their work = totally fine.
Revealing a deep knowledge of their personal life = horrifying.
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Just a periodic reminder that everyone who responds to your creative work with, "How high were you when you made that?!" or "I want whatever you were smoking when you came up with that!" are some of the most boring people you will ever meet.
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You took out a full page ad in 4 newspapers to accuse some innocent kids of raping and killing a woman in Central Park.
Peoples lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new. There is no recovery for someone falsely accused - life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process?
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I’d hate to think of how many mass shootings there’d be without all these thoughts and prayers.
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I do wood work just infrequently enough that any good lessons I learn, I forget by the next project, but I still enjoy it very much. Here is a children’s picnic table. For my childrens.
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I don’t believe anyone is exclusively a dog person or cat person because each animal serves its own important function. If you want a loyal friend who trust and loves you implicitly, get a dog. If you want to know where the ghosts in your house are, get a cat.
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@markedly
“All I’m saying is that we don’t know what dinosaurs looked like alive because we’ve only found bones. They could have looked just like us.”
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Any man can be a father, but it takes someone who complains about how hoses are coiled to be a dad.
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Crazy that Roger Stone was arrested for coordinating with Wikileaks and not for all the damsels he tied to railroad tracks.
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I’m sorry but burger flippers shouldn’t be earning $15/ hour. They’re just going to blow it on rent instead of using their family money to properly invest in home ownership.
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Does anyone actually know how the Four Seasons debacle happened? I’m not a journalist but, try to understand, I NEED this information.
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To all the women and girls who thought last night would make history, I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
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I guess the headline, “Mayo Clinic let’s go less than 1% of its employees who won’t comply with company policy” isn’t as gripping.
The Mayo Clinic is firing roughly 700 employees who failed to comply with the nonprofit medical center's mandatory Covid-19 vaccination policy.
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I think it’s absolutely true that because of biology, women and men cannot be friends. I also can’t be friends with any other women’s children because my instinct is to eat them so they don’t compete with my offspring.
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Back on my shit! I converted a closet in my kids’ room into a reading nook and paneled the back wall.
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It is one of the dumbest oversights in comedy that Daniel doesn't have a full-time job.
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A single black person.
Who is an actor that hasn’t worked with Wes Anderson yet but you think would kill it in one of his movies?
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In sixth grade, we read our New Year’s resolutions out loud in class and I was so horrified about how honest mine were (having more confidence, being less self critical, etc.) that I changed them at the last moment to shit like, “Touch a penguin.”
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Wait until you hear about Jesus. You’re gonna hate that guy.
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Oh you think it’s funny? You think some old racists who had to buck every dusty belief they had and vote for a black man only to still lose is funny??
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My son has started clicking his tongue in his sleep like the girl in Hereditary and I’m very OK with it and not startled or worried in the least.
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