John Cleese
@JohnCleese
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Trainee hermit, & keen Amateur Squirrel Trainer
London
Joined December 2007
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Last Seen Profiles
Hard to tell if I recorded this 30 years or 10 minutes ago...
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With the benefit of hindsight, would you say that the Nuremberg Trials were divisive ?
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Just heard about Terry J
It feels strange that a man of so many talents and such endless enthusiasm, should have faded so gently away...
Of his many achievements, for me the greatest gift he gave us all was his direction of 'Life of Brian'. Perfection
Two down, four to go
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Nice moment at the theatre in Innsbruck last night...
Just before I went on, I asked a stage manager " Will this audience know me better from Monty Python or Fawlty Towers ? "
He replied "I don't know. I've never heard of you "
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Can this be right ?
If a Democrat is President, lying about a blow-job is grounds for impeachment
If a Republican is President, betraying his country's defence policy again Russia...isn't
What am I missing here ?
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Can anyone ( including BBC employees ) tell me why the BBC has not shown Monty Python for a couple of decades ?
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Yes I've heard this word. I think sociopaths use it in an attempt to discredit the notion of empathy
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I think it's an encouraging sign that the next First lady will be a Ph.D with two masters degrees, rather than a model
It says a lot about their husbands, too
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In case you haven't seen it yet...
Ricky Gervaise was asked what he thought of Piers Morgan inteviewing the Taleban
He said " I've lost all respect for them "
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I try not to brag too much, but I have just heard wonderful news !
I made a speech recently at the Banqueting House in Westminster
Since then, the organisers have received a number of complaints from people who attended it
And...........they were ALL from Trump supporters !!
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Piers Morgan writes that I didn't recognise him in a restaurant in New York.I did.I just didn't want to speak to someone I truly detest
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Amazon offered my wife a book they thought she 'might be interested in'
It was my autobiography
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No complaints about this scene for 45 years
But they will start any time next week
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I read that 71% of Republicans believe that Trump did nothing wrong
Years ago, whenever I entered the USA, I had to sign a declaration that I was not intending to overthrow the
American government by force
I never realised that this applied only to foreigners
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Sad news
One of our Maine Coons died yesterday
One minute Frankie was lying on his side, purring. The next minute, not purring
And not breathing
…Out of the blue…
Something to do w/his heart
What a sweet, wonderful cat, loved to death by a Fish
RIP: Francis Feline-Cleese
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Not wishing to be left behind by Hank Azaria, I would like to apologise on behalf on Monty Python for all the many sketches we did making fun of white English people
We're sorry for any distress we may have caused
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So, here is the News this morning. The Leader of the Free World is now completely unhinged, but we can't do anything at all about it because he has rock solid support from racists, and all the very rich Republicans who badly need another tax cut
And now, the weather...
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It strikes me that it's terribly funny that the response of some Americans to a virus is to buy guns
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I'm not advocating uncontrolled panicking. If you panic for more than a couple of hours, you will exhaust yourself and
you may well not have to energy to panic later, when you really feel you have to
So try about 20 minutes panicking at 11.00 am, and then another spell at 6.00pm
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The single most depressing thing about Trump supporters is that a lot of them are evangelicals
The idea that Christ might approve of this vile, sleazy, pride-filled and rudderless oaf is an insult to his teaching
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If the judge in the Rittenhouse case doesn't like the word 'victim', perhaps the phrase 'unarmed person shot to death' might do the trick
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Had a minor operation on Friday
A surgeon cut a small cancerous bit out of my leg
Very minor. At my age this sort of thing happens about once a week
He did a beautiful job, sewed it up and said " Tis but a scratch "
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I would like to announce that President Trump has gone mad
( That's 'mad' in the English sense, as in 'King George III went mad, walked up to a tree in Richmond Park, and addressed it as the King of Prussia )
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One should never forget the first principle of the old KGB
" Always accuse your enemy of exactly what you are doing "
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Every new piece of information about Donald Trump confirms that he behaves exactly like a mafia boss
Why does this make him such a hero for Evangelicals ?
Are they missing the point of Christ's teaching ?
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I met the Queen once, and managed to resist a strong impulse to say 'I’ve seen you on the stamps’
I feel sad, especially when I think how lonely it must have been for her without Philip
Still, as she herself once said “Who wants to live forever?’
We were blessed to have her
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The BBC's website refers to my 'fury'
I think my comments were quite measured and moderate
So why would the BBC refer to them as my 'fury' ?
Because it will get them a few more 'clicks'
This sort of thing happens when marketing executives and tabloid journalists take charge
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45 years later and I still haven't hung up the picture. Fawlty Towers premiered on this day in 1975. What was your favourite line?
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I sense some people feel that all cultures are morally equal
Call me old-fashioned,, but I believe that a 'culture' that allows female genital mutilation is inferior to those that abhor it
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I'm beginning to think that in parts of America bad manners are increasingly being viewed as a sign of authenticity
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This is true. not just of the USA, but of the UK and Australia too
It’s impossible to fathom how much damage Fox News and Rupert Murdoch have done to our country.
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Does this baby deserve a grant from the Ministry of Silly Walks? I certainly see some excellent form! 🎩
Repost •
@sverigesroligastebarn
@angelinavarback
#sillywalks
#montypython
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1 of 2) 51 years ago today we met and formed
@montypython
If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister lawyer, and gotten a nice house in the suburbs,
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When I used to visit the USA in the 60s and 70s, I has to sign a statement that I was not intending to overthrow the American Government by force
I never realised that this only applied to foreigners
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Dear Twits
I wish you all a Happy Christ's Birthday Anniversary, regardless of your culture, class, religious orientation, sexual preference, or race, provided only that you don't vote next year for the delusional five-year-old currently destroying everything I love about the USA
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I am puzzled
Some days ago I saw a part of a very recent Trump
speech, when he rambled on about Cary Grant in a swimsuit
Then I saw him wittering on about Gettysburg, without uttering a coherent thought
Why are the media not discussing he fact that he has completely lost it ?
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I must apologise
I had no idea that the idea of writing a new sitcom with my daughter would cause so much anger and distress
I truly meant no harm. Naively I thought it might be fun
But I feel terrible about having released this tide
of negative emotion
Please forgive me
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Boris Johnson's refusal to publish the report on Russian infiltration is beyond disgraceful
If he suppresses it, it is clearly because it reflects badly on his party, and will affect the way people vote
If he doesn't publish soon, please don't vote for him
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I think it's legitimate to prefer one culture to another
For example, I prefer cultures that do not tolerate female genital mutilation.
Will this will be considered racist by all those who hover, eagerly hoping that someone will offend them - on someone else's behalf, naturally
@JohnCleese
Many can't differentiate between the two or believe that both are an evil. You aren't allowed to prefer one culture over another. A lot of those same people will tell you how they wouldn't ever consider living somewhere other than their preferred spot.
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Some years ago I opined that London was not really an English city any more
Since then, virtually all my friends from abroad have confirmed my observation
So there must be some truth in it...
I note also that London was the UK city that voted most strongly to remain in the EU
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I think the history of slavery throughout the world, should be taught - all five millenia of it
And there should be a special focus on where it still exists
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I'm very confused about toppling statues...
The Greeks, whose civilisation has long been admired in the West, believed that in the Ancient World, a cultured society was only possible if it was based on slavery
So should we be getting rid of statues of Socrates and Aristotle ?
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Interesting that the British Empire abolished
slavery 32 years before the United States did
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I was looking forward to talking to students at the Cambridge Union this Friday, but I hear that someone there has been blacklisted for doing an
impersonation of Hitler
I regret that I did the same on a Monty Python show, so I am blacklisting myself before someone else does
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Congratulation to dear Michael Pallin on his Knighthood !!! Sir Mickey !
He'll have to go 'Ni' for the rest of his life now
And to his good lady wife Lady Helen, who has stood by his side all those many years that he has been abroad
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I see Fox News is doing its best to defend Moore,by discrediting women who are coming forward with allegations of disgusting sexual behaviour. I was expecting the Fox people to do a better job of it though, given that they've had so much practice in the last few months.
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I see that Trump is feeling persecuted
I think he may mean prosecuted
People who have committed lots of crimes and are being prosecuted for them often feel persecuted
It a nasty feeling and the best way of avoiding it is not to commit crimes
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I think that, in general, it's not a good idea to allow people with no sense of humour to determine what may be enjoyed by people with a sense of humour
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I'm told by my friends in the UK that the BBC is definitely running out of content
Some years ago I was involved in a programme called
Monty Python's Flying Circus, which the BBC has not repeated for nearly twenty years
Some of it might still seem funny to old people
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I heard from Eric this morning
He points out that this is not a good time to die, as noone would come to your funeral
So Jonesy was cleverer than we thought
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I wish you all a happy and healthy Easter, but I urge you beware the Easter Bunny. It's not just a harmless little wee bunny now is it?
#easter
#johncleese
#killerbunny
#montypython
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Saddened by the news of the passing of Sir Sean Connery. A wonderful man who I had the pleasure of working with in Time Bandits. We crossed paths many times over the years. Such immense talent and a vibrant human. And the only one of us to find The Holy Grail.
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Similarly, the Romans enslaved the British for 400 years.
So are we due reparations from the Italians ?
And Sir Isaac Newton was a shareholder in the South Sea Company, which included slave trading among its activities
What do we do about his statues ?
It's rather complicated
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Well look at that! Still influencing the younger generations and species.
@FAWLTYTOWERS_
@montypython
#sillywalk
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I've been puzzling over this...
Imagine there's a huge meteor hurtling through space towards planet Earth...whom will Trump blame ?
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Always look on the bright side of life.
Thank you to everyone who sent me this lovely performance by the MozArt Group.
#MontyPython
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I must report a microaggression
Since I first visited the United States in 1964, most Americans pronounce my name as though it rhymes with 'fleece'
The correct pronunciation is to rhyme it with 'cheese'
I have suffered this microaggression for 57 years
I demand compensation
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I keep reading that film studios are contemplating
replacing writers and actors by using Artificial Intelligence to mimic their talents
Surely it would be easier and more efficient to replace executives, since they have no talent at all
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She is the perfect example of someone who is not intelligent enough to realise that she's not very intelligent
Hence her enormous self-confidence
Sadly, her supporters are even less intelligent than she is
Hence their confidence in her
Marjorie Taylor Greene says it is "completely unfair" that she has a reputation for being "unintelligent."
Is Marge unintelligent?
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So Fox News is on Russia's side in the conflict with Ukraine
Not surprising really ; Rupert Murdoch isn't a big fan
of democracy
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Sadly, those of you who need to hear this the most are too stupid to realize I'm talking directly to you.
#johncleese
#stupid
#people
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So...we have an ignorant, ego-obsessed, impetuous, vengeful child in charge of the "Free World" and nobody can do anything about it, because 40% of Americans think he's a hero
Happy Christmas and Welcome to the End of the World !!
Cue song: " Always look on....etc,etc "
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You are all so old! 45 years ago today we brought you a fairly exciting, low budget adventure. What was your favorite moment?
#johncleese
#montypython
#holygrail
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Seeing Weinstein's sentence today reminds me of the story of the judge who sentences an old man to 20 years in jail
The old man says " I shall die before I get out "
The judge says, very kindly, " Well, just do as many as you can "
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Happy Monday to all the internet trolls! This old man still has his swing and is ready to give you a damn good thrashing!
#MondayMotivation
#SpreadLove
#nothate
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MSNBC just gave a precise explanation of Trump's thinking:
'He views The Rule of Law as presidential harassment'
To comprehend this, remember Trump's life is built on the premise that there are no rules that apply to him.
He even cheats at golf
Everything follows from that
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Bruce Springsteen, Taylor Swift, Tom Hanks...
Not bad for a start
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I see Ivanka Trump is advertising canned black beans
I'm glad she's finally found something useful to do
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The definition of an Asshole is someone who believes that the rules ordinary people obey don't apply to them
Kevin O'Leary said all rich people cheat on taxes in every City so why go after Donald Trump. The sense of entitlement with these billionaires is sickening. F that guy.
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BREAKING: No one
@FoxNews
has ever seen
@montypython
& The Holy Grail. 😂
#runit
#goodjournalism
#factchecking
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Carol, please go on for hours
Eventually the police might listen
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The real life inspiration for Basil Fawlty.
From a BBC interview with Parkinson. I talk about the cynical manager at The Gleneagles Hotel in Torquay that I met while staying with The Pythons. He became who I based the character off of and I changed very little.
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Yes
Would You Support a Worldwide Ban on Trophy Hunting? Just yes or no?
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A shocking fact
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In these difficult times, the arrival of residuals boosts my morale
Today I received royalties from The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh : $ 0.20
Even better, from Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle : $ 3.81 !!
Where shall I celebrate tonight ?
I know !
My room !
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Five ways that Hitler was preferable to Trump
1. He fought for his country
2. He never used a teleprompter
3. He was nice to dogs
4. He wrote his own books
5. He never played golf
6. He wasn't a big fat slob
Five ways Trump is preferable to Hitler
1. He doesn't practice…
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I'm puzzled by the reporting of Xi's exchange with Trudeau...
'Xi scolds Trudeau'
What about 'Dictator complains to democratically elected leader' ?
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I think it's important that people with very little sense of humour ( due to their misunderstanding of the importance of context ) should not have the power to sensor comic material which appeals to those who
do realise the importance of context
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Do watch this !
Trump is perfect as the pet shop owner
Trump's latest interview vs monty python parrot sketch
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A quite astonishing story on Byline Times by Sam Bright
Dominic Cummings has revealed that Johnson arranged
'bungs'- bribes - to British papers in exchange for
favourable coverage and government advertising
The worst corruption in British history - and unreported of course
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Wishing you and your family a very silly Christmas. May it be filled with cheese! 🎄☃️🧀
#ChristmasEve
#besilly
#blessedarethecheesemakers
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When someone tries to come over during quarantine...
#johncleese
#montypython
#tauntingfrenchman
#quarantine
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I just want to make it clear that when I said that President Trump was mad ( in the English sense of demented, unbalanced, delusional and completely crackers ) I was of course being sarcastic
I'm sorry if I failed to make this clear
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If President Trump wants to stop 'attacks' on Judeo-Christian values, he could try embodying some, beginning with not bearing false witness
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..and that all the actors - several of them Tony winners - had advised me strongly to cut the Loretta scene.
I have, of course, no intention of doing so
So someone in the audience had called a journalist and misreported me. Amazingly none of the British media called to check
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Psychologists have now discovered what causes homophobia
It's 'being a moron'
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2 of 2) with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership, and then I would have killed myself. Thank you all for supporting us and forcing me to change plans.
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I'd like to explain something
People are surprised the MAGA faction continues to support Donald Trump despite his vulgarity and
nastiness and scofflaw behaviour
This is a misunderstanding
His vulgarity and nastiness and scofflaw behaviour are
the reason why they support him
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