J’adore quand @Diabolicajade sélectionne mon porno … c’est toujours un achat qui vaut le coup! https://t.co/N03v4mf8RT

The first question that left me speechless (but only for a second):

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal or is my wife just overreacting?

This is why I order a family bucket at KFC. No one is left behind

https://t.co/Wwg2CYztnY

Am I the only one who noticed DJT was reinstated with all his tweets except the one questioning Pence courage during the insurrection?

I cannot stop laughing at this.

Friend - Your grammar is horrible. Me - My grammar is 97 and she's a saint. You watch your mouth

me: [as cute doctor walks in] i must have been poisoned by the mafia- doctor: says here you ate a glowstick

date: so how did you lose your hand? captain hook: a sword fight with my mortal enemy date: ooo, that sounds sexy. who’s your mortal enemy? captain hook: this fuckin orphan

Mcdonalds employee: your voice sounds so familiar Me: guess i just have one of those voices haha employee: [snapping] you called earlier asking if we had a pool

Her: I'm sorry. I'll do that thing you like 😉 Me: Pushing me on the swings is not going to fix this Jennifer.

New Comic Don't Say Gun

My girlfriend just got mad at me for peeing in the shower... 1) it save water 2) everyone does it and 3) just because I'm not the one showering does not negate rule 1 & 2

Neighbor: What are you doing? Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing? Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

flight attendant: is anyone here a doctor?? me: [sprints through the crowd, pushing over a child] i'm not