People need to know...I’m most dangerous with my back against the wall...when I’ve already peed my pants...and my mom forgot to dry my emergency pants overnight.

What does peep cake taste like? Aren’t peeps just sugar. Is it sugar flavored cake?

If Peeps were real animals this wouldn’t be alright. Especially the moist part.

Remember when the last internet collapsed because it didn’t have enough rebar??? We have plenty built in…plus plenty of stanchions for your safety.

Ginger cat tore up two rolls of toilet paper like he doesn’t know a pandemic could happen at anytime.

Yea, well hindsight is 20/20 Mr. Magoo!!!! …is a sick burn that hardly anyone uses anymore.

The squelch of logging on to the internet is a thing of the past. Now it’s more of an empty howl. We don’t know where the sound comes from and find it better not to know. The sequel to the internet provides reliable, mostly quiet access to the worldwide web with no delays.

Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Yes!!!!!

I did a grocery shopping yesterday but forgot a few items. Is it in poor taste to ask your neighbor for a few brown and serve sausage?

They didn't have AI to help us with homework when I was a kid, but I did try to get my Tamagotchi to write my book report.

Remember when the internet was new and chat rooms were fun? But sometimes you’d bump into your uncle in a chat room and it was awkward? With the sequel to the internet, chat rooms are back, but with a filter that keeps out uncles. Cousins too if you flip a switch.

My account is unabashedly me. 100% authentic Scott. And if that’s a problem for you then…I can completely change into anything you want me to be. Just let me know what you’d like better. (I also do like 5 different voices)

Scallops have feelings too, people. They cry all the time. It’s why the oceans are salty. Have you ever seen a scallop cry? It darkens your soul.

Imagine craving a pizza but not wanting to drive. If you have the Internet 2, no prob. You simply charge up your server for 25 minutes. Then hook up the blue “local order” cord to your laptop. Flip the #3 switch for outside transmission… cont.

so grateful we finally eradicated lima beans.

We’re seeing an age where everything, every moment is captured on video or in photographs. And I think it’s because so many homes are being built with darkrooms these days.

Good idea drug commercial I will tell my doctor about my parasitic infection

What if all your passwords could just be your social security number. With the Internet 2 it can. It can also be your credit card number and even your phone number.

The universe is too vast for us to be the only flat planet.

Whenever I watch sex scenes in movies, I’m usually thinking, why don’t they have their ceremonial robes on?

You want to see financials! For my Sequel to the Internet Kickstarter??? Where’s your warrant??? I never used backer money to go to Tahiti or to purchase the Polynesian Gastronomical Food Tour Excursion. Simply didn’t happen. I’ve never even tried haupia coconut pudding.