Shenanigans
@Shenanigans_luv
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dangerously hydrated. 💍 @aboveaveragetom / tweets ➡️
Venmo: shenanigans_luv
Joined January 2018
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I do not relax, I merely simmer in anxiety in different locations
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“iF yOu dOn’T LiKe iT mOve To aNoTheR cOuNtRy” we literally can’t because you won’t wear a mask
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My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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Turns out my kids - along with over half of the high school - got the flu in part because everyone got breathalyzed at homecoming one after the other and no one cleaned the breathalyzer all evening essentially turning it into a superspreader event. Have we learned NOTHING
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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Men as a concept are fine but the execution is just terrible
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Not now sweetie mommy is bullying her state representative on twitter for being a piss baby
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Yeah I’m DTF
Doing
The best I can and
Fucking it up anyway
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"He's a 10 but..." no. No man is a 10. This is propaganda pls educate yourself <3
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Why would we feed the hungry and house the homeless when we can try to own the moon instead
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If you're still in line to date Pete Davidson STAY IN LINE
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Not to brag but I panic everywhere, not just at the disco
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I always want to see myself as the Jess of the friend group but deep down I know I’m the Winston
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Every single time a dude sees a boob it’s like the first time he’s ever seen a boob
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They weren't supposed to put their mouths directly on the mouthpiece. Guess what happened
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I am begging you bitches to learn the difference between breath and breathe
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but you can put two or three fitted sheets on your bed at a time and just remove the top one when it’s dirty instead of always folding them and putting them away
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So here is a thread of all the meme paintings I’ve done so far, starting with anarchy Elmo
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“I don’t like girls with tattoos” don’t worry they don’t like you either <3
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By age 35 you should have a chair in your bedroom used only for holding clothes that aren’t dirty enough for the laundry but that you’re too lazy to put away
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INSTAGRAM: look at this lovely quesadilla I made with artisanal cheeses
FACEBOOK: here’s a recipe for grain-free quesadillas that my kids love! We’re better than you
TWITTER: I will literally fuck any cheese product
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@i_am_333
Apparently at the dance last year there was some drinking so they tried to head it off this year and ended up infecting everyone instead 🥴
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I have never known when someone is flirting with me not once
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🎶 thoughts and prayers do do do do do do thoughts and prayers do do do do do do 🎶
I’m sorry
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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Rewatching Schitt’s Creek and while I understand that David Rose is a fictional character I also understand that I would die for him
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Not to sound like someone who is “going thru it” but what if u loaded Doritos crumbs into a pepper grinder and sprinkled it on all your food what then
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8 years ago today my dad got caught in a storm and crashed his plane on the way home from vacation. He and my mom were killed on impact. There’s no real point to this other than I miss them and this will always be a hard day and I just needed to say that
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@gabrielle0316
@FINALLEVEL
Imagine deciding not to be a fan of someone because they said they believe in human rights
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I have a completely non-reciprocated crush and if my time on twitter has taught me anything, it’s that this is the perfect moment to send him a dick pic
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@KHodgess
Thank goodness Jesus was so famous for shaming people for their sins and preaching that christians get to say who gets into heaven
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Few things are more humbling than randomly choking on your own spit for no discernible reason
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Never been so jealous of people being launched out of the earth’s atmosphere before
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Seasonal depression makes it sound much more festive than it actually is
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Me: time to get up
My bed: no it’s not
Me: I have stuff to do
Bed: do u tho
Me: yes I have to get things done
Bed: that sounds fake, js
Me: RELEASE ME
Bed: there’s nothing for you out there
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BUT IF WE DEFUND THE COPS WHO WILL PUSH THE ELDERY DOWN IN THE STREETS FOR NO REASON
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Really glad so many people get to experience the wholesomeness of a pocket knife dad on Christmas morning
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Wow nice park job, asshole.
Oh wait that’s my car nevermind.
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Wearing the same clothes for a week means I'm using less water for laundry so actually I'm not depressed I'm an environmentalist
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Yes I have ADHD
Attention
Deficit
Hey look it’s a
Dog
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We need a disney princess who wears the same clothes three days in a row and has bad coping strategies like being Very Online and eating nothing but mini reese’s cups instead of meals
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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either
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I still remember holding my dad’s arm as he was about to walk me down the aisle and him leaning over saying “it’s not too late. If you’re not completely sure, you can take my car and get out of here. I’ll take care of everything.” This is why they say listen to ur parents kids
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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@anneluty
Weird that you don't think men should be taught how to ejaculate responsibly since ejaculation is the cause of pregnancy 100% of the time
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Today’s meme painting: golden snub nosed monkey wants the berries in your pocket
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They can't turn you away if you're already in line, not a lot of people know that
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You’re not an “empath” you have a series of trauma responses rooted in codependency
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I am straight up not having a good time so here’s a picture of my face (pls do not roast me) send me a picture of your face and/or tell me one (1) good thing
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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If you still have your dad around pls give him a hug from me and tell him I love him ok thanks
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Guys if you have an issue with sweating at night, you can absolutely choose to not do this and I love you but I don’t need to know about your night sweats I promise
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What if you fell in love with someone then found out their favorite ramen flavor is shrimp. What do you even do
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They were using a no-contact breathalyzer like this one. Still got most of the kids sick
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Today is the hardest day of the year for me. It’s been 7 years since my parents died together in a plane crash and it’s still shocking and devastating to think about. Hug your people today and tell them you love them; it’s one of the only things in life you’ll never regret ❤️
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hello i am Extremely Sad Online today and would love to see:
- pictures of your pets
- funny jokes
- really bad puns
- smiling faces
or anything else that is Good ok thank you
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Just saw a recipe for cauliflower gravy on Instagram. No wonder god has abandoned us
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I wish people would stop saying something costs “about as much as your weekly lattes” I do not get weekly lattes I have no concept of what amount this is. Is it one latte a week? Seven lattes? Two a day? Is this a $5 situation? $50? Give me an actual number I’m begging you
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Will an oversized mustard sweater fix all my problems? We can’t know unless we try
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Jan - Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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There is no better role model for boundaries than a 3 year old who refuses to hug someone they don’t like
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First post-divorce Christmas is in the books. It wasn’t perfect but there was no screaming, no arguing, no one got cussed out, and no one cried. I call that a fucking win folks
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What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us
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“When I'm sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court] and I say, 'When there are nine,' people are shocked. But there'd been nine men, and nobody's ever raised a question about that.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
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Person: *talks during a movie*
Me: why are you ruining my life
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Yes the Instagram update sucks but have you considered that everything sucks
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My 12 year old just pulled a loose molar out of his mouth and handed it to me without even looking up children are absolutely terrifying
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Cute guy: hi
My dumb ass: are we dating now is this dating
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Everything is terrible and life is hard but the other day my 10 year old hugged me and whispered in my ear “besties for life” so maybe there’s still hope
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Every plant I’ve ever killed has been from over watering. I simply love too much
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I need recipes that say “serve immediately” to stop stressing me out
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I am neither doing my best nor living up to my potential and I just think that’s really brave of me
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First act of post-divorce rebellion: shoes on the couch. I am unstoppable
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@MNateShyamalan
Interstellar couldn't admit it was about feelings so they said it was about space
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This Halloween don’t forget that literally no one wants to give your kid weed candy. It’s not a thing that happens. No one wants to spend money to possibly, maybe get your kid high sometime later in the evening do you hear yourselves
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