Viktor Winetrout
@Cpin42
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25,717
Following
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Statuses
33,565
Creator of @Sorrowscopes & @WeirdCelebTwets
Boston, MA
Joined September 2012
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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Hi I'm a Christian conservative who believes in angels and talking snakes but I need to see more data on climate change
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Yeah I stole your ape pics. What are you gonna do, draw some police
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My grandmother lived to be 102.
When I asked her what her secret was, she said, “God’s punishing me.”
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Saying "Lincoln was a Republican" is like saying “Nicolas Cage won an Oscar.” Technically it’s true, but a lot of shit has happened since then.
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You’re laughing? The richest man in the world runs into a wall painted to look like a tunnel and you’re laughing
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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She's a 10 but she lures sailors to their death with her enchanted song
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And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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Hello, 911? He’s back. Yeah, on his pony. Sticking feathers in his hat, calling it macaroni
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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I just flew in from the mutation lab and boy are my arms legs
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You’re laughing? A coyote runs into a wall painted to look like a tunnel and you’re laughing
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Asked to see the secret menu at McDonald’s and they showed me autopsy photos of Grimace
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my dad like a football
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My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘cat
looking for:
⚪️ A relationship
⚪️ A friendship
🔘 a little salami
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The guy who picked on me in high school and then became a millionaire just came into KFC and I overcooked his chicken. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser
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What light through yonder window breaks? It is the boys, and they are back in town
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a horse that solves crimes
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s another brilliant performance by Daniel Day-Lewis
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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[Prison Diary Day 5]
Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here
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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth
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High school isn’t the “best years of your life,” it’s Lord of the Flies with tater tots
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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Can’t sleep. I’m so angry about those guys in movies who knock over fruit stands during car chases
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Please don't boo Vlad the Impaler. Sure, he dips his bread in the blood of his victims, but he's the ruler of Wallachia and everyone should respect that
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In lieu of flowers, the family requests that the police stop shooting unarmed black men.
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The guy who picked on me in high school and then became a millionaire just came into McDonald’s and I shorted him on his fries. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser.
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I love Fall. The crisp air, the radiant colors, the bleak realization that everything dies
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When I was 8, I asked my dad why Charlie Brown was bald and he said “chemotherapy.” I looked at my mom and she said “Charlie Brown has cancer.” Then they both started laughing
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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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Trump prematurely declaring victory reminds me of when I bought condoms before my prom
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Oooo I’m Death. I'm a mean skeleton with a fancy sword. Fuck off, bone boy
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I'm afraid of the dark
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6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
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Just got your text from last night. Do you still need your EpiPen?
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn't waste any time, did you Becky
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KID: Hey look- it's the guy who's terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don't you go cook a hot dog
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First of all, I didn’t “karate chop” your baby. We were sparring
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WIFE: How was the rap battle?
ME: [removing hand puppet] I lost
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Damn girl, are you the moon? Because you're beautiful and mysterious and hostile to all forms of life
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Asked the cashier at McDonald’s why the flag was at half mast and she said “Grimace died” and then she started crying
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn't waste any time did you Becky
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*inhales helium from balloon*
“Your mom and I are getting a divorce..”
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Sorry for casting evil spells on you I had low blood sugar
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[God creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer
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Did it hurt? When you saw yourself in the front facing camera
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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Telling a child that everyone dies is the hardest thing about being a party clown
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“diet & exercise can extend your lifespan” U think I want MORE of this?
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Is there anything better than spending the holidays with your family? Yes
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In small packages, sometimes big packages come. I’m saying my dick is big. I have a giant dick, Luke
http://t.co/LjyXs6g6oz
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You're in her dms, I’m in a haunted Antarctic research station being tormented by ghostly visions
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Asked the manager at McDonald's if I could meet Grimace and she said "Grimace is dead" and then she started crying
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Please stop calling it “rona.” It’s a deadly virus, not your quirky sitcom friend
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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I love fall. The crisp air, the radiant colors, the bleak realization that everything dies
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What’s the German word for when you cry in the shower until your Burger King crown falls apart
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So these ballots just magically appeared through the mail? And suddenly there's more votes? You're telling me if you add numbers to a number you get a bigger number? Are you saying math is real??
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I like to use cocktail umbrellas when it’s raining and pretend I’m a giant. My wife & I are separated
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Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he gives a description of his wife’s killer
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[Werner Herzog voice] He is monstrous, but in a more profound sense, Cookie Monster is also a victim
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Hi I'm a Christian conservative who believes in angels and talking snakes but I’m skeptical about vaccines
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Don't cry because it's over. Cry because life is a cruel series of disappointments that will eventually kill you
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Just saw a white guy with dreadlocks crash his unicycle. It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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[me flirting] Who's your favorite horseman of the apocalypse?
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My favorite part of baseball is when the manager goes to the mound to tell the pitcher he loves him
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