Sam Saulsbury
@SamuelSaulsbury
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I am the boss / / Comedy: @ClickHole @TheOnion , @tnyshouts
Los Angeles, LA
Joined June 2013
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Pinned Tweet
[Talking to my daughters prom date with a shotgun on my lap] “If you don’t take good care of my daughter tonight I am going to kill myself”
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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Shakespeare’s shit is so timeless cause everybody’s got that friend named Polonius that hides behind their tapestries
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[texting my landlord] hey I forget, is rent 200 dollars?
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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The opening paragraph of Dr. Bronners' Wikipedia comes in with guns absolutely blazing
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[me teaching high school poetry]: A poem is basically a little book that’s being weird,
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Yeah, I can grab ice on the way. Do you mind if I bring my mysterious boyfriend Pinkus
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Basically impossible to carry a watermelon around without seeming proud or ashamed of it
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Oh the Sopranos cut to black at the end when you watched it? That’s weird, mine ended with Tony Soprano congratulating me personally for understanding the show better than anyone else did
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If I was the white husband in past lives I would’ve handled this exactly the same except I would’ve ordered the biggest novelty drink on the menu. They’d be talking about their cosmic connection in Korean and I’d be drinking out of a big fish bowl with sparklers
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Found a cold stray kitten with a broken leg. I will train him for revenge
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Paul Newman's Navy photographer: Yeah that one's good, maybe for this next one try not to look insanely fuckable?
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I always forget Einstein just had a regular job. Can u imagine if your coworker kept telling you his theories and then one day thousands of scientists were like oh my god he’s so smart
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Ozzy Osbourne: ALL ABOOOOARD
Me: Oh good. Cool. What's this song called, Normal Train.
(A bunch of scary guitars and stuff start happening)
Me: Uh oh
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Guy in front of me: -and what the heck, I’ll buy the next guy’s coffee.
Me (walking up to the register): I would like a one million dollar coffee
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Postmates guy: I'm here with your contactless delivery at the Annihilation border.
Me: One sec a fox with my face is gonna come get it
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My friend: What up big boss. You ready for the game? Want a beer?
Me (wanting a rosewater macaroon but worried about seeming feminine): You got any fuckin... tiny delights?
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Hayao Miyazaki (Examining a picture of Peter Griffin): I do not like this man. His eyes know nothing of suffering. But his wife… She is strong in ways she does not understand
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Went to a party this week where a guy showed up and was really nice for like five minutes before going 'Oh no! My stomach! I have to leave!' Then after he left his friend was like 'yeah he had too many milk and cookies before this'
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[meeting someone new] Heyy man so nice to meet you. Are you like me? Or are you the enemy
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I wrote jokes for ClickHole for about 4 years so I've decided to make a thread of some of my favorites. Don't hurt me
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[Reading the newspaper]: Hey honey! You remember Death, destroyer of worlds? Well guess who just am become him!
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[texting an old friend from high school]: Hey man it’s been too long. Do you still go to my high school?
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Oh cool you’re dumping me cause I think Family Guy is real and happening to me. Wait til the guys at the Clam hear about this...
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Lin Manuel Miranda has a monopoly on morning and night tweets.. so I must take the lunch shift.
It is time for LUNCH :)
Eating lunch is brave
Every day I am inspired by you eating leftovers at work
You. Got. This.
Fork, knife, its all great
My play costs 600$ to watch :D
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[walking into a coffee shop with a phone that looks homemade]: Hey sorry do you have a Samuels Incredible Phone charger?
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Harry Styles interviews: I want to bring people to a higher plane of thought. I call it FutureMind
Harry Styles music: 🎺Oooh loving you feels like a Sunday Sandwich 🎸
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(Punching a hole in the wall)
Gf: oh no he’s mad
(Punching more holes in the wall that make the shape of a smiley face)
Gf: wait he’s happy
(Punching out the words ‘NOT HOW I FEEL’ under the smiley face)
Gf: okay wait,
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We’re taking him to North Central animal shelter later today to get some medical attention if anyone wants a new partner in crime
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Looking up at the stars always reminds me that stars are so small just little dots who cares. And I am enormous
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LA comedian: Everyone here is too hot
NY comedian: everyone here dresses too nice
Sam in Chicago: Every single day I see a man wearing the biggest pair of brown pants I have ever seen
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Einstein: I think mass might be energy
Me: Shut the fuck up Einstein
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Every op-ed right now is like ‘Were Not Going To Solve This Crisis Unless Everyone Eats A Bunch Of Gum’ and it’s by the owner of Gum . com
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Me: Sharks, you know how you always losing your hamburger?
Mark Cuban: what?
Me (holding a hamburger and looking around): “where my hamburger? Where my hamburger?”
Daymond: Is he… supposed to-
[the hamburger emits a deafening fire alarm noise]
Me: well not anymore
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Oh yeah cool pull me over. It’s not like I’m on my way to learn modern tap
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(Trying to cheer up my gf voice) you wanna watch a movie I like?
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[making a guy dig his own grave] Sorry if this is weird
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[Yelling to my girlfriend in the other room]: Hey babe,
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Judge: Who's a shy little cutie?
Me (staring at the ground): I don't know, sir.
Judge: May I remind you you are under oath?
Me (blushing): Me, your honor.
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Stephen Spielberg: ‘Jurassic Park’ is an adventure film that takes place on an island full of dinosaurs.
Universal Executive: That’s incredible. What a hit
Spielberg: The villain is the character Newman from Seinfeld
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My haters: Your truce with beavers will never pay off
Me:
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Welp, it’s been 17 years, and I’m still thinking about this line from Peter Travers’ review of Lord Of The Rings that was published in October 2001
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Starting an advice column where my advice is always ‘Wow you’re crazy.’ and I publish people’s full names
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Hayao Miyazaki trying to draw a girl who is boring and sucks but he keeps accidentally drawing a girl with wells of untapped strength
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Thinking about the time in the 80s when the greatest threat to New York was teenage boys sucking your coins out of the turnstile
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Sad to think that today’s kids will never know how it felt to watch the last episode of Breaking Bad where Walter White learns that selling crystal meth is illegal
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My friend: I just can’t believe my brother died in a snowboarding accident. We just talked last week
Me (trying to use the bartending kit i got for christmas): Mm yeah bet you wish you had a Japanese gimlet with a twist right now
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I'm a 27 year old man who eats 5000 carrots a week.
This is my daily routine:
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Internet comedy in the 2010s:
2011-2015: what if I knew the Gortons Fisherman :)
2016: What if Trump was the Gortons Fisherman
2017: what if I hooked up with the Gortons Fisherman
2018: what if I killed the Gortons Fisherman
2019: I wish the Gortons Fisherman would kill me
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When your gf who thinks you work at Goldman Sachs sees you selling coconuts by the side of the road<<<<< 😫😫😤
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British author: He was the sort to be more odd than cross and more cross than odd, with a tuft of black hair like a broom
me: Oh cool, I know what type of guy you’re talking about
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@JoeBiden
I am so sorry the media is doing this to you. I promise to stand in the corner of my house until the November Election so I cannot learn any more damaging facts about you
#ImInJoesCorner
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It’s so stupid they keep the Mona Lisa behind bulletproof glass. What if you want to shoot it
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Stephen Colbert in 2008: Help me raise a million dollars to mail John Boehner a big plastic ass
Stephen Colbert in 2021: (crying) America is becoming less like The Hobbit
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People act like millennials just want avocado toast and safe spaces when all I want is a great esteeringwheel that doesnt WHIP out of the window while I driving
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@ameliaelizalde
S/o your top Elvis Moments mines Elvis realizing in the last 5 minutes that the European accented carnie he gave power of attorney to actually isn’t from America
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(banging on the ceiling with a broom at 2 AM) Hey! I got a new broom!
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TV Executive: Which letters of your show’s title are uppercase and which are lowercase?
Guy pitching CHiPs: I’m worried you’ll freak out
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[Leaning into a phone] “Hey Bon! Bon Iver! It’s your cousin, Marvin Iver. Remember that new sound you’re looking for? Well listen to this!” [points phone at Marty Mcfly going ‘wuwuwuwuwu’ with his mouth]
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Me (doing Disney press): So (grinning) Indy… (grinning harder)… or should I call you Han?? Hahaha
Harrison Ford (texting on a flip phone): kill this guy when he walks to his car
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Baby are you ok? I just saw a movie about gremlins and now I’m wondering if you are ok
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My skydiving instructor is super cool. He just lets me do whatever
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(Coronavirus hits) “Oh no, now my 20,000 square foot restaurant, Nero dot labs Italian Food Zone, won’t be successful”
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LA is so crazy fr… you never know which of your idols you’re going to run into on the street
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Can’t stop watching tik toks where this guy calmly loses 10,000 dollars gambling and then wins once and explains how he’s finally cracked the code
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Me: Time to kick your ass
Aerial silks performer: you don’t want to do this
Me (gesturing around the curtain factory): There’s nobody to help you. Just you, me and my custom 60 foot curtains
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Each of the muppets on Sesame Street actually represents the most important skills for a child to develop
Big Bird - kindness
Oscar - understanding
Miss Piggy - assertiveness
The Count - math
Fozzie Bear - 1960s lounge comedy
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[running into the Pope but not recognizing him] “Well aren’t you a fancy little prince today! It your birthday or something?”
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Gate Attendant: We’d now like to welcome all active service members and any shy little guys who actually have amazing imaginations that girls don't even appreciate
Me: (walking up with my drawing pad)
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Has anyone messed around with the setting in Goose Game that changes the goose’s language to English?
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Hey man, I know I don’t have a mask but can I come in your store? I have coronavirus
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[Splashing a bucket of blood on someone's fur coat]: my blood!!
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@reaghhan
@ByYourLogic
Mouthing Lorde lyrics at an 8 year old boy because I’m in the Peaky Blinders gang
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[making conversation with the grocery store cashier]: So you must be like obsessed with groceries
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Director: I wrote a movie set in the suburbs
Producer: oh cool, probably about how good they are and how everything is always as it seems, right?
Director: You’re gonna want to sit the fuck down for this,
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Scariest 1950s horror movie premises
1. What if a guy committed one murder
2. What if a regular robot (no powers) was evil
3 What if a woman was big enough to hurt you
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Spent 3 hours on hold with my bank and then came out and my girlfriend was dancing in a circle around the CVS products she shoplifted in the living room
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