They won’t share this commercial because I’m wearing sweatpants. But my dad‘s partner said if it gets 74,000,000 likes he’ll air it. Please help get my commercial on Cleveland local television!
.
@billburr
came over and took his shoes off without me even asking. YouTube f***ed us by making the episode “18+ only.” So since views near stopped on YouTube, here are some good moments.
Also, YouTube, grow up.
FULL EP:
Bobbi Althoff calls me out for only inviting her on
@shoesoffpod
after she had on a bunch of celebrity guests. I reminded
@thebobbialthoff
that I invited her on my podcast the day we recorded hers.
I decided to take my talents to
@DegenApeAcademy
. Who else is team
#DAA
? Also interested in what
#Solana
#NFTs
you got. Show me a pic of your
#NFT
who you think can take mine (aviator) in a game of 1-on-1.
Ordered
@Postmates
yesterday. Paid $2.99 for priority delivery. Took 2x as long as guaranteed. I contacted support to get my $2.99 back. They refused.
Ordered
@Postmates
today. They forgot a meal. I contacted support. They refused to give me my money back.
Goblin Mode Activated
Some people (not me) are calling this “the best opening joke ever.” I don’t know. I try not to think about that kind of stuff.
#comedy
#standup
@TheLaughFactory
1:30am. I’m stoned and so full. I finally got up to clean and throw the donut box away, when I look in the pizza box and there are two pieces left. I think “don’t eat anything else go to bed.” Then I said out loud “I want it” and I devoured it.
.
@SamRichardson
tweeted this video and said it was like a scene from VEEP. I was ready to watch how stupid POTUS sounded, but didn’t anticipate it LITERALLY feeling like a scene from VEEP. Add
@jonathanvswan
’s comedic British tone and it literally feels like a scene from VEEP!
.
@jonathanvswan
: “Oh, you’re doing death as a proportion of cases. I’m talking about death as a proportion of population. That’s where the U.S. is really bad. Much worse than South Korea, Germany, etc.”
@realdonaldtrump
: “You can’t do that.”
Swan: “Why can’t I do that?”
Self talk is magic. Talk to yourself kindly. You may find a best friend.
My intention for posting this is to share how cool positive self talk can be. I’ve been practicing it for years and I think I’m getting good at believing it.
While walking and looking at my phone, a women walk by and said “good morning. Look up.”
I replied, “smile more.”
I don’t know if she got it but I am proud of my quick witted response.
The idea of anonymity on the internet gives so many people such a confidence and arrogance to be their true hateful self.
It’s like when someone in a car flicks you off and drives away. You get to see someone’s true self when you see them without the concern of confrontation.
Bruh. The drawstring of my sweatpants was in the toilet, and I pulled it out and it was wet. Figured maybe it just went in the toilet water which is gross because I’m on the toilet, but I smelt it and it smells like piss a little. I think I peed right onto it.
If you’re new to comedy, here is a little free advice… Don’t know what to say about the comic going on after you? Keep energy is bumpin’ and make up some credits.
Stoned with a stomach ache and munchies so I’m too scared to eat
Like being high on Ambien with a concussion and too scared to sleep
Ever been with a Baddie with no condom so you’re too scared to skeet?
Or wanted a croissant with celiacs disease but you’re too scared of wheat?