mark normand
@marknorm
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New York Comedienne. New hour special "Out To Lunch" on the Youtubes now!! My pod: "Tuesdays with Stories” or “We Might be Drunk” Link 👇👇 Praise Allah!
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“Out to Lunch” full special, available right now on the YouTubes folks. Lotta yuks. Tell a pal. Comedy!!
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“Let’s gooooooooooooo” is ‘Allāhu ʾakbar’ for white guys
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Kobe beef
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I'm not surprised Jeff Bezoz started seeing a woman who was close with his wife. Classic Amazon, "if you like this, here's something similar you might like."
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Man boobs are cigarettes & lady boobs are marijuana. Most people hate man boobs yet they’re allowed everywhere - lady boobs are fun & not harmful yet still mostly criminalized
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Tom Brady is the covid of football - he’s thriving in Florida, he’s put up huge numbers and some people still don’t believe in him.
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I had sex with my wife last night, or as she calls it ‘microdosing’
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I think most cops mean well but the problem is in their execution
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Gay Guy: I love Muscular men.
Group: Good for you. Get it boy!
Straight Guy: I like thin women with large breasts.
Group: Ugh, typical man. What a pig.
Lesbian: I also like those kinda women.
Group: Yeah girl! Enjoy those ladies!
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Cops will ticket someone for texting and driving then drive off while using a full laptop on the dash
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Podcasts are like babies, they're too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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Looking forward to doing dry January, no alcohol just cocaine
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The only thing good about the Rogan N word compilation is I can finally get hard again
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My insurance just asked what color my car was, whoa I thought you were Progressive.
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Facebook is starting to feel like those last few years of Blockbuster.
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Podcasts are like babies, they're too easy to create and not everyone should have one.
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Man boobs are cigarettes & lady boobs are marijuana. Most people hate man boobs yet they’re allowed everywhere - lady boobs are fun & not harmful yet still mostly criminalized.
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Social media is like looking in the fridge over & over. You know there's nothing good but you check it so many times that eventually you start consuming things you don't even like
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A lot of people don't like the idea of abortion. I don't like the idea of a lot of people having kids
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Baseball: I am definitely the most boring sport
Soccer: Hold my… wait there’s no beer?
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If you ever want some alone time in America, just take the stairs.
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Social media is like looking in the fridge over & over. You know there's nothing good but you check it so many times that eventually you start consuming things you don't even like.
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No wonder Batman is so depressed, can you imagine how much it costs to fill up the batmobile
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Sometimes I wish I had cleavage so people wouldn't look me in the eyes
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- Apologize for that joke.
- Sorry....?
- Hey, you didn’t mean that apology!!
- I didn’t mean the joke either
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I’m walking on egg shells around my vegan friend, he’s pissed
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The Oscars now feel like Halloween - I don’t care as much as I used to, people get all dressed up and it’s a huge night for pedophiles
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More americans are pulling out in texas now than Afghanistan
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My insurance just asked what color my car was, whoa I thought you were Progressive.
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My friend only eats grass fed beef. That’s how high up we are on the food chain, we decide what we eat eats
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World War 3 is the opposite of Covid, it will only kill young people
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Her: should we get a drink to celebrate this abortion?
Him: I don’t think you should drink on an empty stomach
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Me: Are women as horny as men?
Lady Friend: Definitely.
Me: Well I’d have sex with you, would you have sex with me?
LF: No way.
Me: Well there ya go.
LF: But I’m not attracted to you.
Me: Yeah, I’m not attracted to you either.
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I love the scent of a newborn baby, it has that right out the box smell.
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Pretty impressive Covid got this big without ever doing Rogan.
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In a strange turn of events, Spotify signs Michael Richards
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A lotta ppl trash soccer but I actually relate to the players, I also accomplish very few goals
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Whenever I meet a person of color for the first time, I’ve gotta remember not to say "the privilege is all mine”
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My uncle is telling my nephews Santa isn’t real while being a flat earther
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Bowling is definitely the most positive thing that happens in an alley
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Someone asked me what 'subtle' means so I pointed to the 'b' in that word
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Gorgeous Hollywood actors who portray unattractive characters are taking away roles from ugly people.
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The movie ‘Titanic’ turns 25 today, Leo is celebrating by throwing out his DVD
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“Oh no”
- Bruce Wayne day drinking and seeing the bat signal
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Luckily Biden has military experience, he fought in the civil war
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I wrote a sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists but no one wanted to make the pilot
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