ALEX PTAK’S TEST KITCHEN
@PtakTestKitchen
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Following
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It’s me! Celebrity chef Alex Ptak!
Brooklyn, NY
Joined November 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
They are doing this for clout and it is sad
A flock of Sheep in Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for over 10 days straight and no one knows why.
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This guy looks like if a witch stole Tom Brady’s powers
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FROM SOFTWARE GUY: look I made a spooky crab
GEORGE RR MARTIN: that's The Punished Wraith Olegath
FROM SOFTWARE GUY: that's sick. that rocks.
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My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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I don't think it's unreasonable to say if you put this in a newspaper you should be thrown in jail
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Clout chasing piece of shit
Congratulations to Elmo's friend Ms.
@billieeilish
on her Oscar!
@Oscarthegrouch
, did you hear that? Ms. Billie has a friend named Oscar too! ❤️😂
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My friend died last year and now I only see him when this article about his hog goes around
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If I was in a job that you can only lose by dying, I would probably do less things that make millions of strangers want to kill me
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When there’s a sex scene in a movie my wife sprays me with a hose so I don’t break the TV trying to “get in there”
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GAME OF THE THRONES SEASON 1: power concedes only unto power
GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6: His name is Hodor because he ho’ds da door
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You can’t jack a guy off at the movie theater anymore due to wokeness
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Look if you want to reach young men you gotta do this with Goku
The cast of ‘TED LASSO’ discuss mental health at The White House.
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JAVIER BARDEM (whispering in fake accent): he faces the terrible Shai Hulud
ZENDAYA (normal voice): oh no, my boyfriend
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*Family Guy cutaway to a plane hitting a child in a crosswalk*
BREAKING: Tesla files paperwork to make electric motors for airplanes, boats, and more
@elonmusk
🤯🤯🤯
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Need to explain the conflict to a friend in Boston?
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Imagine the house Garfield could live in if he used Mondays to grind
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It appears my wife of 25 years, along with our shared tennis instructor Claudio, has gone woke
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NYPD ACCOUNT: one less damp man on the streets 🫡
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These are our governor’s priorities? This is not leadership I can get behind
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Explaining student debt cancellation to Biden by giving him 20 werthers originals and telling him he owes the bank 25 werthers originals and it clicks and he’s just fucking crying and he won’t stop and they gotta cancel his phone call with Thailand
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Ok so it’s Garfield but instead of Monday’s he hates Protestants
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MARRIED 37 YEAR OLD PREDATOR DRONE ENGINEER: not my crush seeing me eat my afternoon scone
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In China, children pay for their meals with their face. If their social credit is bad, they don’t eat.
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They’re Calling It “Red Lunch”: A Look Into China’s Authoritarian Meal Between Breakfast And Dinner
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Day 1 at ANTIFA they teach you to tactically crack your own skull open. That and change your gender at will. The Swap And Bonk they call it.
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
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Just found out Dead Kennedy’s is a reference to the tragic passing of President John F Kennedy and can no longer support their music
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Hey sorry to everybody pointing out there was crazy names before. Kind of fucked up I said that honestly
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Always shocked how many people want to be New York mayor, a hamburglar-like figure created to absorb public scorn
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Trying to think of an occasion where I could say “oh this bitch think she Garfield?”
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Libs watching the most powerful media industry in history close ranks to protect the ruling class: Chapo Trap House is hurting Bernie Sanders
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A group of white men is called a Bernie Sanders please follow my account I am trying so hard
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Imagine being such a jolly good fellow that it is literally undeniable
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MADDOW: final comments
YANG: there is a steam sale literally all week. It’s called the steam summer sale and games are up to 90% off
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psssst if we can stop the cops we can definitely stop ICE
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ARE YOU TIRED OF USING THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A NIGHTMARE BEAST?
A Japanese IT engineer has created a creepy night lamp that crawls on robotic spider legs and leads you to the toilet in the middle of the night
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OPINION: the time is nigh for the grand culling!
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You could never make Earthworm Jim in today’s political environment. Not able to explain right now as I am under arrest for drunk boating
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I don't think I need to explain this any further but America has entered its Majin Buu saga
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I am tired of discussing Elon Musk and would like instead to discuss other things such as Vegeta for example
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Just sad. Call your friends a ride. Hide their keys. Do whatever it takes.
Putin claims Prigozhin’s plane crashed because the Wagner leadership got drunk and/or high, then set off hand grenades during the flight.
Seems legit, definitely no further questions about that incident, we can all move on
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DEMS A MONTH AGO: well we gotta pick one 🤔
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*dramatically removes spectacles*
Gentlemen, we are running out of the goo that is going to kill everybody
An attack on Saudi Arabia’s oil processing plant at Abqaiq has left the world with 5.7 million fewer barrels of oil a day. That’s the biggest ever sudden disruption to global oil supply.
Here’s why it has major implications for the world
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Sanders supporters, remember: this isn’t about me. This isn’t about you. This is about executing the dog Chris Matthews in Central Park for daring to speak out against the rise of our Red Legions
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SUB ZERO: *kills a guy*
ME: that’s from the video game. That happens in the video game
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Wow. And if you LIKE this tweet you’ll LOVE a vibrator! Go ahead. Google “vibrator”
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BREAKING: 5000 gunmen have broken into congress to force AOC to debate them
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If anyone has a dating question for the author of Ender’s Game, he is very active on Quora
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New CDC Polio Guidelines:
- polio not that bad
- FDR had polio
- people love horses
- was thinking of polo there, ignore that
- return to the office now to receive your polio
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Why would they make a CIA podcast AND Pod Save America?
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BIDEN: look the fact is I was the first black president
SANDERS: *shakes head, looks at notebook, raises hand*
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This show in July will be a safe space for gamers. You can be a gamer there and it won’t be a big deal.
do you think elon will come to our Hard Drive show in nyc in July?
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"he may not be perfect but you have to vote for him" I don't think you understand, I hope a tiger escapes from the zoo and eats this man
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Libertarians: if you had a time machine would you go back and date baby Hitler?
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Trains, in many ways, are like if a snake had a gundam
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When you meet Hideo Kojima they just give you that jacket so he keeps thinking people dress like that
本日の小島監督とティモシー・シャラメ
Hideo Kojima today with Timothée Chalamet.
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Using computers it is now possible to combine all of the great pedophiles of history and get them to advertise Casper mattress
Is this the future of podcasts?
AI conversations | Bill Gates x Socrates
I think very realistic conversations like this will be bread and butter in any streaming app.
Let’s take it one step further and imagine this but personalized towards you? 🤯
What do you think?
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We live in a secret fallout game that was too stupid to release
LOVE: Families & kiddos in Broadview Heights come out and do the Pledge of Allegiance together every morning while schools are shut down. Social distancing done right!
(video courtesy: Keith Gaydosh
@MilkovichSchool
)
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Here’s half a joke about the Red Lives Matter Flag if that’s OK
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I used to not like the police but then they started flying helicopters low over my house every night creating a soothing Vietnam war type atmosphere
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One thing that’s weird is if you graffiti downtown you’re a “terrorist” but if you actively train with a white nationalist militia you’re a “trump supporter”
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*Adam Curtis voice*
Yet after the failures of the 20th century, Will Smith did not want a new millennium... Instead... he created a Willenium
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5 years later I still cannot believe I got this man to do my stupid space movie
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What if the twitter bird was a silly dog? To answer this question, I have lost more money than any other human being in recorded history
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Oh you want to open the border to immigrants? Immigrants… like Vegeta?
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Babe no, I'm only following Mia Khalifa for her bold defense of Palestine
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So the pitch is: it’s a freedom themed country where being against fascism is illegal BUT can buy low grade meats practically anywhere
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MORPHEUS: you can take the blue pill. Or you can take the red pill
COOL TEEN: *takes both pills*
MORPHEUS: oh fuck
COOL TEEN: I don’t feel good
MORPHEUS: shit how old are you?
COOL TEEN: hngggg14
MORPHEUS: oh shit oh fuck
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After 9/11 this country really came together to make 8 feature films about Spider Man
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Toxic masculinity is being born a secret military Hedgehog project and still insisting on shooting a grenade launcher
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If Jar Jar Binks was a senator in America, what state would he represent? Send your thoughts as I wait for the carbon monoxide from my car to fill the garage!
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Kids these days have no idea when it’s Morphin Time. Show a 10 year old a trash monster jumping out of a dumpster. Watch them not morph.
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1. big jeans come back
2. new war with Afghanistan
3. Everyone gets really into Pirates of the Caribbean
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I used to feel unsafe taking the train but not anymore now that there’s 500 guys with assault rifles down there
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I know we’re all over it and it’s not interesting anymore but what do we do with the fact that every powerful person in this country is certifiably insane?
Nancy Pelosi: Protesters calling for a ceasefire in Gaza "is Mr. Putin's message... Make no mistake, this is directly connected to what he would like to see...
"I think some of these protesters are spontaneous and organic and sincere. Some I think are connected to Russia."
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IDK why everyone gets huffy Netflix is a business failure. They directly funnel mountains of shady VC money into stand up comedy and anime. It rules. It's like if Robin Hood stole from the rich but only gave money to mimes.
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Young men are going down pipelines. They are alienated by their experiences in lava castles They are racing against everyone they have ever known in perilous go kart events.
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If Timothee Chalamet was big, he would be reviled. Tied to a cart and forced to do farm labor day after day. It is because he is small we can use him to depict boyfriends across various times and settings
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Mental health is strong. I like to fight. Hi, I'm Goku.
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My wife is in a union now. Union Wife. Press the like button for respect
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Our culture continues to valorize Garfield. A cat who has not once fought in a war for his country
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This is pretty much all you had to do to be a hot guy in 2003
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Ellen Degeneres? More like Ellen Rethinkthis.
Please subscribe to my account, the doctors say they will only treat my sons terrible disease if we can reach 20k. I don’t know what else to do.
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It’s sad but in Brazil if you win the election you get to keep the previous presidents wife
Nobody has heard anything from Bolsonaro or his sons yet, but his wife Michelle and him unfollowed each other
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Help I am in terrible crypto debt the bank is sending malicious digimon to my house
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