in a c section today the dad made a joke about us giving his wife a ‘husband stitch’ and the surgeon goes “we don’t do that here, but i can recommend you for a penis enlargement consultation if you’re that concerned about wanting to satisfy your wife at your current size”💀

https://t.co/DDvjsGgiAB

cute

Missing the 2010s frozen yogurt boom like a bitch right now

started playing stardew valley with my girlfriend cause i thought it would be a cute thing for us to do together but it turns out she has over 400 hours logged and is running our farm like the navy

sucks about my lack of bioluminescence

now i get why my grandma got up early to have a lil coffee by herself girl me too

hey (with the intention of getting ice cream)

lately i've been really tired but also really in love

me loving you this July

i wish it was socially acceptable to dm someone Hey why did you and your partner break up

The fabulous work of Landis Blair

https://t.co/6L5D2FJ0Dr

this the weather you take a bad bitch like me to get ice cream in

i’m pretty chill as far as insane women go

manifesting i see a bunny tomorrow

going on an evil walk

nonverbal phone time but our legs are touching so we know we're there for each other

yes he listens to clairo and drinks matcha

you should be allowed to leave work early if you miss your wife enough