chris
@citehchris
Followers
9,977
Following
2,036
Media
1,306
Statuses
12,713
do not ask me to elaborate
stl ➡️ den ➡️ chi
Joined August 2017
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i dont think i would be compatible with someone who doesn’t have twitter i feel they would lack a certain je ne sais quoi(mental illness)
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first date idea: we watch the sunset together from a rooftop and then i jump, forever changing the course of your life
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just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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guy and girl next to me are on a date and she’s gone to the bathroom twice and both times he’s fired up hinge to reply to messages
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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pov you’re the expired leafy greens in my fridge watching me come back for another beer
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7 beers deep standing outside waiting for someone to offer me a cigarette
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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the one day a year where women are legally allowed to stab 1 man of their choosing. pick wisely
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if usher wants a truly memorable halftime show he’ll bring that pop tart out
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summer date idea: fly out to banff national park for a hike and then get obliterated at the most beautiful chilis
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can’t wait for the barista to ask me what’s new this morning cause oh boy do i have a life update for them
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why is kiss cam reserved for sporting events? every chili's grill and bar should have a kiss cam
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is the tatted up bartender the love of my life or just doing their job
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a relationship is not enough i need to be drunk in a chilis with the love of my life
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ur in her dms, im entering her name in the bowling scoreboard while she picks out her ball
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a relationship is not enough i need to be financially stable in a walkable city
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when i die spread my ashes around the rim of a chilis margarita glass
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hey sorry i didnt reply my wife was making me watch our 5 month old for a bit but im back now you're so hot lol
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by the age of 30 you should have wasted most of your potential
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a relationship is not enough i need to be chugging beers at a baseball game with the loml in a walkable city
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask about them) so have they diagnosed you yet
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(on a first date watching her bowl her ball right into the gutter) hey something just came up i have to leave it was nice meeting you
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(person who tweets 78 times a day) i just want to disappear into a forest and never talk to anyone again
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i need to date someone who tweets 87 times a day and they all flop
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(me acutely aware women like it when you ask them about themselves) what the hells your problem
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sorry your spotify wrapped was embarrassing do you want to go to chili's and talk about it over margaritas?
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getting married and making my entire personality about having a hot wife
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the cool thing about being single is you get to date multiple people while only really liking one of them who also happens to be the only one who doesn’t seem to like you. it’s so fun!
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idk bro have you tried taking her out for a warm soft pretzel w/ cheese and appreciating her that’s all they really want
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relationships should be 50/50, i buy us baseball tickets and you do a beer chug on the jumbotron making the crowd go wild
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that girl with cat hair all over her clothes might actually save you give it a shot
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deleting dating apps to focus on finding the loml in a shitty dive bar
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first date idea: we go out for drinks and have a really good time but not good enough that i want to disturb the routine i’ve gotten comfortable in from being single for so long so i don’t make much of an effort to go out again
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ain’t much in the world a redhead with absolutely monster tiddies couldn’t convince me to do or believe
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*gets down on one knee* you want to get breakfast together forever?
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twitter is that bar you’re so tired of going back to but your friends all hang out there and the hot bartender is working
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by the age of 30 you should have consumed an insane amount of crab rangoon
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no more dating apps if you want my attention you’ll just have to do it the old fashioned way of getting a job as a bartender at a bar i frequent
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have a date tonight and she just posted an ig story ripping shots of whiskey
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sorry a man let you down again do you wanna go to chilis and talk about it over margaritas
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“dating is so expensive” bro most of em will literally cry if you give em 5 dollar flowers and a hug the bar has never been lower
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first date idea: i take you to chilis and tell you i love you immediately after chugging my 3rd margarita
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her being nice to you doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to have sex with you bro she likely has far more sinister plans for you
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"dating is so expensive" bro just order a pitcher of beer and bowl a strike in front of her
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not arguing with a woman whose ass jiggles when she walks. whatever you say princess peach
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your tweets have been so good lately, i can really tell youre in a downward spiral mentally
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@quelsee
“for how pretty she is i expected her to be boring” my brother in christ why would you ever say that to a person let alone someone you’re trying to pursue
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is your man getting you an everything bagel in the morning or do i have to
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idk bro have you tried picking her up hashbrowns and respecting her as a human its not that complicated
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is your man taking you to chilis for valentines day or do i have to?
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these women with big tiddies think they can get away with anything and treat me however they want and let me tell you they are correct
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god she’s so hot but she keeps making me pick her up a diet coke on my way over
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(during sex knowing she has a degradation kink) your tweets are kinda lame
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deleting dating apps to meet women the new fashioned way….shitposting on twitter
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ur in her dms shes in front of the fridge looking for more cheese to eat
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@SheRatesDogs
Lol dudes love saying “dodged a bullet” when the bullet was clearly never heading their direction
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that guy in your dms is about to post a happy valentine’s day story for his gf
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*knowing women like it when you book reservations* get dressed i reserved us a bowling lane at 7pm
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you start flirting on twitter & next thing you know you find yourself sending a just landed text while a little shitposter is circling the arrival terminal
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