oneeyedalpaca
@OneEyedAlpaca
Followers
3K
Following
297K
Media
8K
Statuses
93K
°forklift certified° °thinks you're pretty neat° °father of four girls with E names°
pnw
Joined June 2011
welcome to alpacaville here's your giant bag of candy don't eat it all at once, you'll need some for later
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@GarrettPetersen mistletoe is a cnc tool sorry sorry!!
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i like my cheese the same way i like my women: non-newtonian
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type of guy who jokes about his periodically high blood sugar levels
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this is mostly a rant, not a pity party i'm doing okay financially and not really asking for help
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i would like to extend a very special "fuck you, i hope your holidays are horrible" to nikita and nikita only dms are in shambles, with no fix in sight i know i'm not a big account but there must be many like me that are losing patience i may not be getting premium next time
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last year: a tweet gets 44k likes, finally get over the thread to get payouts, first payout is over $200, the next one over $100 this year: have a tweet get 48k likes, payout is under $40 i don't rely on payouts, but christmas is going to be less shiny this year for my kids
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“I want bungosauce” We have bungosauce at home! Bungosauce at home:
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[4yo who just got out of the bath]: "dad, i washed my belly button!" me: "oh was it dirty?" 4yo: "super dirty!"
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if she doesn't help you with you morning wood, does she really love you?
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for putting food that will later spill on your lap when you go around a corner
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great, *now* what am i gonna get my wife for christmas!?
A passenger from Congo believed the food they were bringing was fine; it was not. In the passenger’s suitcase O’Hare Agriculture Specialists found 11lbs of beans w/ pests, 17lbs of unknown plants, & 4lbs of nonhuman primate meat. These items are prohibited, seized, & destroyed.
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i'm gonna show up on june 16th at 2am with christmas gifts
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if this tweet gets 100 likes i’ll name my next daughter perestroika
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