Squirt Squirt, Jackpot!

I know we don't have you for much longer @NikkiGlaser It's ok, I gave myself a fake hard out so I could leave @chrisdcomedy 5/6/20

Alliteration is so fun when it takes like 20 minutes @AndrewTCollin 5/5/20

She's a generous laugher @NikkiGlaser That's a good way of saying your jokes stink. That's like saying 'you're photogenic' @sammorril 4/22/20

You don't even want to know how I spelled skeptical @NikkiGlaser 5/2/20 Podcast

Toner, if you don't know cause you're a man, it's a thing you use when you color your hair you use toner @NikkiGlaser Are you mansplaining makeup to me? @emilwakim 4/22/20

I had an intervention with my parents, they need to film me more because I'm doing funny shit all the time and I have no friends to document it 4/29/20 Podcast

You know when someone says their name and you're so nervous about remembering your own name so you don't hear their name? @taylortomlinson 4/22/20

Some of them didn't even do anything but be born. And their parents are like 'hey, you're a sweetheart. Want your own winery, Jake? Maybe someday they'll put you on the bachelor' @JeffDye I wouldn't be opposed to @NikkiGlaser Jake and his money? @CarlisleFComedy 3/9/20

I know this is out there and you're probably like 'Nikki, just shut up and get off your Sam Harris horse and leave it to him' but I just want you to check out that theory @NikkiGlaser 4/22/20 Podcast

How was it living in Fresno? Did you have a life? @NikkiGlaser The first year living there sucked, nightmare. @davetotheross And then you discovered meth @NikkiGlaser And then I became a meth addict @davetotheross And found friends quickly @NikkiGlaser 4/23/20

I'm looking forward to retirement, cause that's kind of how I'm living now. I'm reading, I'm sitting on my porch, I'm saying Orientals a lot @emilwakim 4/31/20

That is the easiest way to meet your boyfriend's family, by the way, at a Zoom party where the best way to make a good impression is just to not speak or contribute to the noise, just nod and smile @taylortomlinson Just find your lighting @NikkiGlaser 4/22/20

If you're struggling reading about Nicole Richie, talk to someone. @NikkiGlaser 4/19/20 Podcast

We should be able to not get back & people shouldn't get mad....We're not doctors on call! @NikkiGlaser We should release some sort of virus that makes us at home & we have nothing to do but stay at home & relax! @IANfidance Ok, get started on that-fry up that bat -Nikki 4/23/20

I scoffed at a thong today @NikkiGlaser You're wearing underwear? I'm putting on mascara but I'm not wearing underwear @taylortomlinson I shaved this part of my neck for her @sammorril 4/22/20

That's why we enjoy watching you with Andrew, because you shame him for things we all want to @anyamarina 4/21/20

He's looking for a German woman to tell him to relax @anyamarina 4/20/20

I like a soggy cereal. I know that's weird, a lot of people don't, but I just like it to be about 80% sogged if I'm gonna have my ways...I don't like an al dente Rice Krispie, I like it overcooked @NikkiGlaser 4/17/20 Podcast

I'm better at stand - up @AndrewTCollin That just tells me where you're at with improv @NikkiGlaser Well, let's do it. You wanna prov right now? @AndrewTCollin 2/19/20