Chris Distefano
@chrisdcomedy
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My pronouns are Bud/Light
Staten Island, NY
Joined September 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Babes our boy
@IamMikeCannon
is taping a speshy in Stamford CT on April 6th. Ticky Wickys are available here
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The fact Will Smith didn’t get led away in handcuffs, and instead was applauded by his peers, is the ultimate white privilege.
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Now for WW3 will the soldiers who get drafted need to be vaxxed?
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I held in my pee the whole time!
Tomorrow my first time with
@joerogan
#ChrissyRogans
#ChrissyProstates
#ChrissyDMT
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Babe truthfully. The toxicity in Will and Jadas relationship is palpable. That is the story. They need to divorce, let him come out as gay so he calms down and finds peace and and she can go eat the next soul.
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Will Smith got the booster and went insane. Arrest Fauci.
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Can you believe
@JetBlue
cancelled my flight for whole family and won’t give me any of my money back? My family is part of the Latinx community plus we have multiple members of the LGBTQ community. Didn’t realize Jet Blue was racist and homophobic. Way to go.
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Honestly a slap from Will Smith may be the only way I’ll ever be able to cum again.
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I just flat out didn’t take my kids to school today
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I’m on a set in LA and the health person just said “please only pull masks down if you’re smoking a cigarette we need to keep everyone on set safe” i truly hate this city.
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Just asked Dave Chapelle what he thought of the whole Chris Rock/ Will Smith fight thing and he goes “Chris Rock is trans” was unreal.
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Acting is a mental illness. The fact the Oscars isn’t fully sponsored by Better Help is beyond me
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Listen
@JetBlue
either you give me full refund now, or
@BarstoolBigCat
gets involved! Trust me you don’t want that. You’d rather be labeled as homophobes and racists then deal with Cat. El Gato!
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I’m sorry for previously saying “Indianapolis sucks ass warts ” or “give Indianapolis to Isis” or “ I’m in Indianapolis, I’d rather have AIDS” i am sorry. After seeing it again and being there, it actually is a great city with a great downtown area and I’ve never felt skinnier.
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Have a great Monday today folks. Remember nobody really cares, nothing really matters, and you’re not that fat.
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My 5 year old daughter just asked me for an Eskimo kiss, I said do you mean an Inuit Kiss you racist piece of shit?! I’ve called the police.
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Big news babe!!!
@PatMcAfeeShow
has responded!!!! We are going in baby . Indianapolis there still is hope for April 8th!!!!
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Neil Young Is opening for me tonight at The Beacon in NYC. Entire show avail on Spotify. See you soon!
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See what happens when you aren’t distracted by twitter
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Chrissy Waterworks! If you’re a Dad maybe you feel this.
@bertkreischer
#2bears1cave
full ep here :
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My Netflix special “Speshy Weshy” comes out May 3rd on Netflix!
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Yo one time i saw the homeless guy in my neighborhood, we used to call him Billy Joel, take a shit in a puddle than wash his hands in that puddle. Was wild. Have a great Saturday babe
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The truth is
@joerogan
doesn’t know how close he’s coming to getting kissed right on the lips!!!
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Today must’ve been a wild day for Jesus. He’s legit dead rn sitting in the tomb like “can’t wait to see how many haters say it’s fake tmrw”
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Rhianna pregnant again? Hard to resist that ASAP cocky
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12 months a year I’m an iced coffee guy. What can ya do
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When i asked my baby girl what she thought of the
@TBLightning
this is what she did 😮😮😮 Lets go
@NYIslanders
!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👶🏽👶🏽👶🏽
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When i first got my gf pregnant we only knew each other for a week. Was so scared to tell my Mom. So my Dad told me to intro her to to my mom immediately but don’t mention that she’s pregnant. He said “ya gotta impregnate ya mother with the idea of ya girlfriend bein impregnated”
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Wow i gave up on my jog after 4 strides today. No injury just fully gave up for no reason. Then walked up block and got a slice of cake and almond milk and sat down and talked to man who barely knew English about the vaccine. Wow
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Yes this is me
Cop busted sniffing coke off model's butt is doing OnlyFans porn now
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Do they have these vaccines in chewables i don’t do needles hun
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Never ever buy a
@SamsungUS
refrigerator. Truly worst customer service I’ve ever experienced. Fridge hasn’t worked since we bought it and they told me they hate me because I’m a gay woman of color who works in Hollywood and stands with Ukraine. Have it all recorded.
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Chrissy Buckets. Chrissy Division 3s. Chrissy Nowitzikis
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If somebody says “let’s circle back” that’s a no babe
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Thanks to the hard work of myself, the people,
@BarstoolBigCat
AKA Cato Grande.
@JetBlue
has given me a full refund and underwent conversion therapy and now are proud supporters of the gay and Latinx community.
#wepa
#🌈
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Listen if you’re in a hotel with a doorknob you fucked up
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How great would
@PatMcAfeeShow
be on Chrissy Chaos ?!! Patty babe would love to have you or i come to you. I’m coming to Indy April 8th if you wanna come we hold hands after whatever u want
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Speshy Weshy still trending on
@netflix
thank you very much. You rating it after you watch it goes a long way. Thank you babe. I am the new Hannah Gadsby!
#SpeshyWeshy
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Just got a brand new car and the GPS doesn’t work. Unreal. They’re telling me it needs a new chip and it will be couple weeks I’m like ok muffin man how about you cut open my arm and take my Moderna chip and put it in the dashboard so i can find an Arby’s
#chrissychips
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I put down at least 8,000 calories today at fuckin least fuck
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My dad with the phone up to his ear when Bluetooth is connected
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May 3rd “Speshy Weshy” out on
@netflix
Netflix has lost 200,000 subscribers in Q1 and expects to lose another 2 million in Q2.
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Just said to my Dad that i think Mahomes is hotter than Brady, and he threw me out of the house lol. Didn’t know he was such a big Bucs fan.
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I am not selling well in Indy fuckin Apolis. If you people want any chance of me coming there do what it takes to get me on the
@PatMcAfeeShow
legit our only chance! If not, i have a “last minute conflict” April 8th! Pat give the people of Indianapolis the chaos they deserve!
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Shoutout to the multiple women at the CVS who said “Happy Fathers Day” to me and i replied “Thanks, you too”
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Forever I’ve been calling it expresso because i thought it made you go faster like an express. But i guess it’s espresso
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Commit whatever crime you want today just do not eat meat!
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Never ever wipe your ass with the little Purell wipes they give you on the plane.
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My daughter is half Puerto Rican, half white. So here’s the truth babe. We are checking White on Job Interviews, Puerto Rican on college interviews.
#winning
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Anybody who says their Irish today better prove that to me with a liver scan result, a police or fire badge from one of their uncles, or a nude picture of their priest they got when they were in 7th grade. If not, you are culturally appropriating and we do not appreciate it!
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Watching Al Roker ride down the thanksgiving parade and try and slap hands with the fans and miss upwards of 90 percent of them is what I’m thankful for
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Ugh Instagram just got fixed, damnit i was looking forward to getting my happiness back
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It’s like a scene from a sitcom. We are the new sitcom baby !
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Try being with a Puerto Rican woman and locking the door to use the bathroom. See how long you survive. That’s my Squid Games.
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Guy at my gym just lined up shots of protein shake and then shotgunned a Red Bull and is now walking at 3.5 mph on the treadmill i love bay ridge Brooklyn
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Just remember who ever wins this election you’re still living in the greatest time to be an American and there’s no need to cry . I mean the whole worlds been shut down for months and you’ve had access to meat and vegetables every single day you fucking loser jerk off.
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