I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

as long as no one's mad at coldplay when this all blows over

i like rpg video games because you will kill a bear that's been granted power and driven mad by an exiled god, and when you search them for whatever diabolical artifacts that they might carry it's something like a turnip and a bottle of wine

How can I keep up with spam?

I think the Friends spin-off, Joey, would have been more successful if they called it Trials and Tribbianis

every office has that one lady who’s always bundled up in a blanket - if you don’t see one in your office then it's definitely you

this christmas carol could have been an email

It used to be that you would get a telegram from the Queen when you turned 100, now they just make you fight Jake Paul

Goth isn't enough anymore, I'm going sewer clown

...and The Dumbest Person in Florida competition is still underway

I hate it when people indulge a malignant narcissist just bc he's 3 months old

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Danny Elfman looks exactly like he should look

How do you make friends? asking for a casual acquaintance

Love is Stockholm syndrome with benefits

https://t.co/gKFQN1wzu4

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

I'd sell out but I'll never buy in

Okay can AI make it so bread isn't 6 dollars