It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

https://t.co/yOlSdGe2Vv

Word of the day is ‘recrudescence’ (17th century): the return of something terrible after a time of reprieve.

Just deciding if I should put on my red cape today or do I wear a few days of mourning black first?

Time for a pumpkin spice drive off a cliff.

I feel like a shot would steady my nerves. Maybe something with Kahluamala?

Currently a victim of electionstential dread.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Gentle reminder that tomorrow we can’t all have panic attacks at the same time so please stick to the schedule

I did a democracy

I finally figured out where to hide the Halloween candy so I wouldn’t eat it all, just wish I could remember where that was

Being awake makes me so tired.

I find myself saying ridiculous things to my kids like; when I was a kid you had to actually insert a key into the car to make it go

My daughter asked me what hawk tuah means so I told her it means two hawks in French.

Fact-checking: If a Tesla truck catches fire, is it considered a carbecue or a dumpster fire?

Shower Wall Hair Divination 21: Look. Matthew has a problem, but stop calling him Sputterbutt.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

My girls will be playful soft little kittens at home and the second they get into the car they turn into truck driving sailor mouthed ufc fighters.