Doc Johnny Fever🎙
@NikiMarinis
Followers
6,568
Following
2,070
Media
5,135
Statuses
66,861
Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorch
Shangri-La Dee Da, CA
Joined August 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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"Good for you." - Alex Trebek telling some midwestern contestant their fun personal story fucking sucked.
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Have you ever driven the actual speed limit and thought, “They can't be serious...”
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you're waiting for some answers?
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The first 45 years of a child's life are the most important to their physical and cognitive growth.
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I feel like not enough people disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore.
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I'm just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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I may not be perfect, but at least I know it's "should have" and not "should of."
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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Sorry I’m late, there were singles in my area dying to meet me.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can't be serious.”
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You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
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I finally figured out what’s been missing from my life and it’s henchmen.
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When you can’t think of any more passwords, you die.
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You have 30 minutes left to live. You can either have sex or listen to Africa by Toto 6.5 times.
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God, am I only good at sex? Is that why I can't do anything else right? Because I'm too good at sex?
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We wanted to be adults so bad.
Look at us now.
Just fucking look.
🥴
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Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.
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If I left a comma out it's because I don't want you to breathe.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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We wanted to be adults so bad.
Look at us now.
Just fucking look.
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Anyone who waits in line, gets to the front, then can't decide what they want to order, should serve six years in prison.
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Society: Just be yourself
Me: *being myself*
Society: The audacity!
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I've been waiting for Killer Bees to overrun the U.S. since the 70s.
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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I don’t care how old I am, if you read me a book you better do the fucking voices.
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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@deloisivete
My Mom suggested maybe the reason her internet wasn’t working was because it was 5-6pm and everyone was probably online. I had to explain to her it wasn’t the late 90s anymore 🤦🏻♀️😂
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When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
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I don’t care how old I am, if you read me a book you better do the fucking voices.
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Holy Christ, that was a fucked up thing to say.
Anyway, I have a crush on you now.
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1985: The future’s going to be amazing!
2023: 1985 was amazing!
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@femaIeboyfriend
Don’t get it twisted. Most of these people are settling, have no idea what they’re doing, took the first thing offered, think they can’t do any better, are comfortable, lazy, lonely… don’t think every couple out there is living YOUR dream relationship. They ain’t. 🙌
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Lost another rap battle by just agreeing with everything the other guy said.
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You look like someone who physically assaults technology when it doesn't work.
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Have you tried being hot? I find that fixes most problems.
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Know this for sure: anytime I’m outside, I’m Bigfoot hunting.
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Never make eye contact with anyone wearing a hospital gown in a Walmart.
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I tried to get a good pic of these Wranglers wranglin’ my ass. This is as good as it gets 🤷🏻♀️😂 Much better in person. Compliments were had! 😆
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If you wanted to have sex in the 80s you had to be able to play the saxophone.
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I withdraw my argument. I didn't realise you had a meme to back you up.
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37 years ago these three young men fought for our rights, and we have let them all down.
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@tinnkky
@ElaniKitten
I wish every aspiring parent would think beyond “cute baby!” & think of a 2yo, 7yo, 4th grader, freshman in high school, raising a future fully functioning adult person who isn’t an inanimate object, status symbol or potential retirement plan for themselves.
I loved my cat😸
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Operator: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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@TarotByBronx
And they’re the last people to EVER get help because they’ll NEVER admit they have a problem. 😂 They’re NEVER wrong so they also never have to apologize.👍
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I’m gonna get a fat cat and name him L. Ron Chubbard. Try and stop me.
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Hello, nurse!
@JohnStamos
rocking with The Beach Boys at the Ventura County Fair.🎉😍💖🎉
http://t.co/XKF6rmQLvN
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Sorry pretending to be horny on the internet is your entire personality.
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@shannonwoodward
Years ago, I found out the guy I’d been spending 4-5 nights a week for 4.5 months, going on dinner & movie dates he paid for, and sleeping with… we were never DATING, we were just HANGING OUT that whole time.
🙄🤘👌🖕
#bagofdicks
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I’m a Gen-X white woman, so gangster rap really resonates with me.
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@criticalsfl
@Rohan_Lambert
@exist2post
Summer weather lasts from June to September and most of the country isn’t in school so there’s no “break” to take into consideration.
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Sick and tired of people only wanting me for my personality.
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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I'm obnoxiously loud AND I suck at math. I'm a triple threat!
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I’m totally stressed out and someone said not to focus on it so now I’m fine.
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Gas pump: Please see cashier
Me: (clenching fist) IN HELL
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I ask 5 year olds what they wanna be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.
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“This cashier is a dipshit.”
- Me at self checkout
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Am I depressed or do I just need to slide down a ships sail using only a knife?
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I wonder who the murderer is. I hope it's not the special guest star again.
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I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.
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Drinking homemade eggnog! Minus the egg. And the nog. What I'm saying is, I'm drinking bourbon straight from the bottle and snorting nutmeg.
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I’m a confident woman and don’t need anyone’s validation on social media. Please like this tweet.
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Do you think Wimpy ever made good on his burger debt? 🍔💸
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Please respect my privacy during this time*
*eating in my parked car
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