Mohanad Elshieky
@MohanadElshieky
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38,657
Following
1,376
Media
179
Statuses
2,061
mgmt: zack @omnipop .com if you wanna see me perform in your city, join my mailing list:
Brooklyn, NY
Joined February 2015
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I’m actually ok if tv shows pretend the pandemic did not happen
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Dane Cook: I'm dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend: I can't
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It’s not that the door wasn’t big enough for both Rose and Jack, it’s just that Rose turned 25 that day
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I love that no amount of money will ever give this man the one thing he wants - being funny
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someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me
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Twitter is LinkedIn for people looking to lose their jobs
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Eminem no longer the rapper with the worst response to a Kim leaving him
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Why did they write his first name like this
JUST IN: Trudeau says he ordered take down of "unidentified" object over northern Canada
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Please stop saying the vaccine doesn't have severe side effects. I took my shots and now I'm alive and have to keep working
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Serial killers in the 70s had no idea that they were going around creating content
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
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owning the libs by confessing I’m too dumb to wear a mask without instructions
Speaker Pelosi sent out N-95 masks to every House office. Unfortunately, I can’t read the instructions.
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Please stop saying the vaccine has no drastic side effects. I took two shots and now I’m alive with no excuse to not hangout with friends
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I love how law and order SVU will be like "this is not based on a real story. Anyway, our perp's name is Joffrey Epstein"
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Kyrsten Sinema is like if Portlandia had a villain
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Why did they write his first name like this
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She’s gonna show up holding hands with Pete Davidson
Queen has 'entered a new phase' and we 'may not see her until February', say experts
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I think it’s hilarious people think the government has put tracking chips in the vaccine. You mean the same government that couldn’t even make the vaccine card small enough to fit in your wallet? That government?
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Be nice to your British friends, you never know which of them will be prime minister soon
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Aaron Rodgers didn’t get the Jeopardy gig but still managed to become a host
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The Passion Of The Christ 2: I know what you did last supper
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Oh no, that was all the money they set aside to fight climate change
World leaders toss a coin at Trevi for good luck fighting the climate emergency
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The CDC at this point is like "what do YOU think you should do"
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Kyrsten Sinema is like if Portlandia had a villain
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Ok 2022 days feels like more than enough notice
Kanye West Drops Out of Coachella 2022 Days Before Scheduled Performance
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Incredibly funny to try and mock my name when you’re defending a guy named Elon who named his son after a password
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Dane Cook: I'm dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio's upcoming girlfriend: I can't
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I know the little musk bros keep defending this guy because they think one day they'll be just like him and I promise you will, but only in terms of your spouse leaving you and your eldest child not wanting to talk to you ever again
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Andrew Yang has the confidence MoviePass once had
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Elon to his factory workers
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The president of Ireland looks like Danny DeVito ate Larry David
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Imagine being in the military and refusing to take the vaccine because you don’t want the government to “control your body”
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Hey man, if I’m a pussy, then congrats! This is the most interaction you’ll ever have with one
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I guess now we know to wash the rich before eating them
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I mean he did lose
Win or lose their story changed history.
#MayorPeteDoc
is coming to
@PrimeVideo
November 12.
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Some of you need to start having imposter syndrome
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I’d say this episode must’ve been a rollercoaster but neither are allowed on one
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Me when Kim disappeared for half a season on Better Call Saul
Still hard to believe she's gone. The weirdness of a country without her. The reality of it is hitting now in a way it didn't the last couple of weeks.
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@ZSharf
So true! When Phoebe sings “smelly cat” I immediately turn my tv off and start sobbing, my feelings so hurt by how edgy those lines are
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He just won a Grammy and still travels southwest?
Exclusive: Southwest Airlines passenger facing federal charges for masturbating four times on flight from Seattle to Phoenix on Saturday
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North Carolina is the birthplace of Pepsi and Madison Cawthorn, two things that have a complicated relationship with coke
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The NRA filing for bankruptcy makes sense when you remember that schools have been closed for a year
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a different joke from the same set since you enjoyed the first one
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I think my cat has nailed this Kendall impression
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The Movie NOPE could have also been called “cloudy with a chance of meatballs”
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@bocxtop
breaking stereotypes about immigrants by not working hard at all, that’s a win for all of us
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This is truly my most basic thought. I tweeted this while watching You season 3 and some of you are reading too much into this and replying to things I did not say, which is to be expected from Twitter.
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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“This needs to stop” oh ok thanks senator, do you know a guy whose job is to do this or who are you talking to
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If you really enjoy stand up comedy, I highly recommend checking your local scene. There are comics out there who are not famous (yet) that are much funnier, smarter and better writers than those big name comedians who are busy fighting a war they invented
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When you say kids, say which kids you mean
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There is about to be two people at that house who shit their pants
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You’d think Meghan McCain could afford to buy more than 244 copies
Meghan McCain’s new book, “Bad Republican: A Memoir”, flops big time. Only 244 copies have sold since it was released on April 26. Let that sink in- 244 copies.
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This is a tweet I deleted by mistake but brining it back because I like it
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Say what you will about 4th of July celebrations, but the sound of explosions set by Americans definitely reminds me of home ❤️
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I’m dismantling stereotypes about immigrants by never working hard
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Being the son of an emerald mine owner
What profession has lost the most prestige as a result of its members having access to twitter?
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This looks like if homelander drowned
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Called the number and debated this baby for an hour
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You’re telling me Jesus’ blood is wine and that I should let him take the wheel? Sounds irresponsible
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I don't think people who have only done mental gymnastics should be weighing in on Simone Biles
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I can tell you from first hand experience that war is terrifying and breaks your brain if you make it alive, and I get that this is not a thing Americans had to deal with at home, but anyway, this is twitter, I’m not about to tell you what you can or can’t say, just talking
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Eric Adams talks like he is pitching the idea of New York City on shark tank
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@quintabrunson
They have no idea what they are talking about, to me, this whole scene is some of the best drama
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Adam Levine texts like his favorite band is Maroon 5
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A racist man kills 10 people because he hates them for the color of their skin but somehow the real danger is kids learning why this is bad in school
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