The worst thing about someone coming to my house for a second time is that they now know I was lying when I said “my house doesn’t usually look this bad” the first time they stopped by.

Took my kids to the pediatrician yesterday and I told her we’ve barely left the house in 5 months and then she looked at me in all seriousness and asked how much screen time they were getting. I mean... c’mon, lady, read. the. room.

There needs to be a scientific study on how we can spend $250 a week on groceries and never have anything to eat in the house.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

My favorite part of having the kids home indefinitely is that we continue to spend $12 million a month on groceries.

Sometimes I want to make my Kids fill those old blue ice trays just so they can experience the disappointment of popping the cubes out all over the floor.

Parenting is making a sandwich for yourself, surrendering one half to each of your kids, and eating cereal for lunch instead bc you're out of bread.

My daughter has been hoarding empty toilet paper rolls in her bedroom. I don’t know what kind of elaborate craft she’s planning, but I already know I want to throw it out.

Just discovered that my kid prefers chicken wing drums over flats and I have no idea where I went wrong wrong with my parenting but at least that means more flats for me.

Wear a mask. That is, unless you want to be intubated by a gynecology intern July 1st who did her last semester of med school via Zoom.

Kids: *playing video games* Me: That’s enough video games, kids Kids: *start watching videos about video games* Me: That’s much better

My kids don’t usually listen to what I say, but when they do, they don’t.

Not a word?? Inconceivable!!!

This seems about right.

Me, two days ago: OMG, get off TikTok kid! Do something meaningful! Me, today: Oops. My bad. Carry on.

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

I bet Canada feels like they live in the Apartment above a Meth Lab right about now..

Has anyone else had to buy Charmin because they were out of the cheap toilet paper and subsequently had to plunge their toilets 87 times because the kids still use the same amount of TP even though a single sheet of Charmin is roughly the weight and thickness of a sleeping bag?