Luke Gordon Field
@Lukemaybefunny
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I say and write things with words in them. he/him
Toronto
Joined February 2011
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Americans are simply not prepared to handle being in a country with Quebec. Dealing with its politics/culture would melt their faces like in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
if the great lake states and provinces united it would be the greatest nation on earth
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Republicans: we should teach the Bible in public schools.
Quebecois: we’ll kill you and hang your body from one of our 500,000 churches
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Just thinking about when I wrote a paper in undergrad on The Notwithstanding Clause and argued the real danger of it was if actors who didn’t care about political norms came to power and abused it and the professor marked me down for fear-mongering.
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Hey
@fordnation
just an FYI if you apply an emergency brake but keep your foot on the gas, the car doesn’t stop.
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Hi is this the support group for people who are inexplicably addicted to the NBC time travelling history show Timeless?
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we don’t talk enough about how, over the last few years, The Charter Of Rights And Freedoms has been reduced to a set of guidelines.
Moe says Saskatchewan to use notwithstanding clause over school pronoun policy
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As an East York resident and concerned parent I’d just like to say: fuck every single one of these compassion less NIMBY pieces of shit.
East York residents are trying to save a parking lot that’s slated to be turned into an affordable housing development for the homeless.
STORY:
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Conservatives literally can’t understand any action that isn’t motivated by self-interest
Boycotting your own business is next level fascinating. That’s what the NBA is doing. They are partners with the owners and share half of all league revenue. A boycott makes no sense. It just hurts them. It’s cutting off your nose to spite your face.
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So Ford’s decision is basically the trolley problem only instead of refusing to kill 1 to save 4 he’s refusing to let Trudeau help in order to save thousands. Cool.
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Henry Kissinger won’t see your mean tweets about him, but your friends who committed genocide in multiple countries will.
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Man in bow tie arrives at the Toronto Star’s reception desk: Hello yes I am a shower expert here for my interview.
Should you shower in the morning or at night? We asked the experts to weigh in
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My wife just said “I really want to take my time and enjoy it” while referring to a trip to Costco in case you’re wondering if having kids will change your life
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The dude wearing shorts in winter because he “doesn’t feel the cold”
#ifCanadawasaperson
@TheBeaverton
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The first draft of the national anthem was just repeating the word 'sorry' over and over again.
#fakehistoryfromCanada
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Canada's famous hatred of peach baskets is what lead Dr. James Naismith to invent basketball in the first place.
#fakehistoryfromcanada
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You’re literally describing how ISIS members are recruited. Are they not terrorists?
In some ways, it's easier to think of the Kenosha shooter as a dedicated terrorist than what he probably is — a confused 17-year-old who thought he was doing the right thing, according to some twisted set of values he inherited and/or picked up off the internet
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Gmail: you’re almost out of storage
Me: *deletes thousands of emails and hundreds of google docs
Gmail: wow crazy how you’re still exactly as out of storage as you were an hour ago. Anyway wanna buy some more?
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Most popular Canadian porn searches are, in order: Trudeau, guys who look like Trudeau and women who look like Trudeau.
#fakenewsfromcanada
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Google abortion clinics bombed.
The freakout you are witnessing from the left is very instructive. When Roe was handed down 49 years ago, pro-lifers didn’t riot, didn’t call for SCOTUS to be burned down, didn’t threaten the lives of justices, didn’t try to stack the Court. 1/ 🧵
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Counter: work should pay more than an emergency pandemic response wage
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I read too many Rex Murphy editorials to copy his style for this so it better go viral (two. I read two)
Rex Murphy’s Obituary written in the style of a Rex Murphy editorial
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It’s kind of morbidly fascinating watching every Canadian in my feed rightly freak out over Omicron while every American is still talking about the pandemic in the past tense.
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Everyday is another challenge to not write a
@TheBeaverton
article about how much NHL refs suck
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Jesus. This thread broke me
I was the only native kid in my advanced math class. First test came along and I got 105% on it (I got the bonus q right) Next day I was called to the principals office. The math teacher had a "concern" that I might have cheated. The Principal asked if I did, I said no.
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Canadians making fun of Canadians for caring about US politics makes no sense to me. If we accept Trudeau’s famous quote that living next to the US is like sleeping beside an elephant, then following the US elections is just tracking which way the Elephant is gonna roll.
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Can you believe people thought a government might stop indiscriminately bombing children? What fucking dummies
When I first saw people talking about a ceasefire, I thought people meant a short-term ceasefire for humanitarian reasons
People seriously believe Israel is going to agree to a permanent ceasefire with Hamas at this point? Are you insane?
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How crazy is it that literally all forms of public entertainment are just an excuse to eat salty snacks
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Even though the results are going to suck today was a nice reminder how easy it is to vote in Canada, and how awesome poll station workers are.
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I aged 20 years while writing this
Classic Canadian indie rock albums ranked by how old it makes you feel to see them called ‘classic’
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“I didn’t realize there was a federal by-election yesterday,” me a Canadian man living in Canada as I enter hour 3 of analyzing Florida early voting numbers
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I watched several Passchendaele clips to write this quiz. So at least 500000 people need to take it to make my sacrifice worth it
Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele
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Listening to the Pixies:
Black Francis: Debaser!
Kim Deal: debaser.
Black Francis: DEBASER!
Kim Deal: debaser.
Black Francis: DEEBBAAASSEERR!!!!
Kim Deal: debaser.
Black Francis: DDDDEEEEEEEEBBBBBBAAAASSSSSEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Kim Deal: debaser.
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Recently some Vice reporter called a Beaverton article "bad satire" because, even though it was funny and made a good point it went too viral and was seen by too many people. If that isn't the Vice Newsiest thing to ever Vice I don't know what is.
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Me yesterday: god I’m sick of everyone telling me to listen to the Slow Burn podcast
Me today after listening to half an episode: Anyone who doesn’t listen to Slow Burn religiously is a philistine and ought to be cast out of society
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Twitter: Facebook is down!
Me once again forgetting that 70% of the Beaverton’s web traffic comes from facebook: haha! Awesome
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Wife: so why didn’t you get any writing done today?
Me: kept thinking about how, in the Sopranos, Tony is a big Springsteen fan but somehow never notices his consigliere looks exactly like the lead guitarist from Bruce’s band.
Wife: Jesus Christ.
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I’ve been working in Canadian tv since 2015 but it’s only since yesterday when I got a ‘this show doesn’t feel Canadian enough’ note that I feel I truly belong.
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Taught myself how to design merch that doesn’t look terrible and figured out Shopify all for you people!
Breaking: Satirical News Website now makes funny t-shirts.
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If I had to look at pictures of these goofs in cowboy cosplay then so do you.
Canadian politicians ranked by how stupid they look in Cowboy Hats
#Stampede
#Stampede2023
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I have no idea why I did this
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Just voted Yes to giving
@WGCtweet
authority to strike if the producers don’t move off their current negotiating position of “Canadian tv writers should eat shit and die.” If you’re a WGC member I suggest doing the same.
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I don’t know why an apple slice tastes better than taking a bite out of an apple but it does and we don’t talk about it enough
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I shouldn’t be surprised by O’Toole’s poll numbers. Of course in a year where Canadians have been asked to do even a little bit of reflection on our colonialist, genocidal history we’re gonna vote for the guy who promises to sweep it under the rug the most.
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Getting drunk at a mixed gender baby shower is spring break for people in their thirties
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Literally every joke these guys are now afraid to say would have been a terrible joke
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Toronto is the least liked city in Canada. Not to be a dick, but everyone who voted against us: have you been to barrie?
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I wouldn’t say I’m an overly political person but I did spend much of my Saturday night analyzing early voting results in Nevada (a state I don’t live in) to determine whether Dems have a chance to take back the Senate in the U.S. ( a country I don’t live in)
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Pornhub retweeted an article I wrote so yeah my career is going pretty great Mom!
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When I quit being a lawyer to become a writer I thought all my legal training would go to waste. But now thanks to
@fordnation
I get to explain the notwithstanding clause to people on Facebook and feel smart for three seconds before the rage kicks back in!
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“You pee on me one more time and I’m not paying for University,” - actual thing I just said to my two week old child
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Time to dust off the Microsoft Encarta ‘Sex Ed’ CD-ROMs Ontario.
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I’ve lived on the
#Danforth
for 6 years now. I’ve spent thousands of hours walking along it. I love everything about the street, from the Greek restaurants to the used bookstores to the wonderfully shady sports bar and grills. Tomorrow when I get home I’m going for another walk.
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The Writer’s Guild decision to bar admission to Coordinators is bullshit for so many reasons. First, EVERYONE knows that coordinators contribute to the writing and creative direction of a show. To say otherwise is to pretend tv writing doesn’t work the way it actually does.
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"Donald Trump has been elected President. Is this America's 911?" Might be my favourite joke.
#TheBeaverton
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1. Toronto housing prices are stupid and I hope they drop
2. Affordable housing does not increase crime
3. Human Beings have a right to shelter that supersedes rich people’s right to convenient parking
4. Fuck you.
@Lukemaybefunny
You snowflakes don’t realize that the property value will drop crime will rise but ya they all wrong for complaining
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As someone who cries at ‘this dog was injured/abandoned but is now fine’ videos pretty much every day, can’t really judge the PM for crying over the Holocaust and his father’s death. Congrats on being an emotionless robot though.
#TrudeauCried
:
At dad's funeral (before entering politics)
At Auschwitz
At mosque shooting victims' funeral
At meeting Syrian refugees
Over death of Gord Downie
During apology for residential schools
and to LGBTQ2S Cdns
Thanks to
#cdnpoli
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It’s an honour just to be double nominated
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😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
The Beaverton renewed for season 2 after writers, cast pass brutal Canadian TV hazing rituals
#holyfuck
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Canada was actually a nation before WWI, we just hadn't told anyone yet
#fakehistoryfromCanada
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Sad but the Ex isn’t really necessary this year in account of the fact that I’ve been eating like I’m at a carnival for the last 2 months.
BREAKING: The CNE has announced that this year's event will be cancelled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It is only the second time in the event's 142-year history that it will be cancelled entirely.
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Fuck James Reimer for being a bigot but also for making me re-watch the Leafs collapse in order to write this article
James Reimer can’t wear Pride jersey due to Christianity even though Bible also bans working on sabbath, coughing up 3 goal lead to Bruins in Game 7
#Reimer
#JamesReimer
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My son has never had un-watered down juice. The first time he gets a hit of real apple juice is going to be like that episode of Saved By The Bell where Jessie does speed.
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@guybranum
@truTV
This is terrible. But also could allow you to guest star on a French-Canadian knockoff of your own show. How many people get to do that?
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Die Hard 2 isn't a great movie. But it is one of the only films where every single character is balding
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Consider?
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Like Father review: Kristen Bell and Kelsey Grammer star in this heartwarming tale of an estranged father and daughter who come together during a Royal Caribbean cruise, which has wonderful activities, great service and affordable packages (10% off if you book now!)
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So weird that it’s illegal to get any writing done before midnight. Someone should really change that law.
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#IfTrumpWins
Chris Christie is made secretary of transportation, with a special emphasis on bridges.
@TheBeaverton
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The fucking irony of reading German media try to understand what the fuck is going on in America is too much for me today.
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Oh hey this book I wrote with my friends is out today. If you like Canada and/or jokes you may enjoy it.
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I just told him some people think Jordan Peterson is the premiere academic thinker of our time
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Will I hate myself for posting this? Yes. Will I do it anyway? Also yes.
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Just read some tweets defending Danielle Smith that claimed the government of Canada has actually not discriminated against anyone since her lifetime began in 1971 and now I need to go for a very long walk.
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What If John Mulanry constantly re-scheduling his Toronto show is a bit, and there never even was a Toronto show?
A letter from Lorne Michaels to the people of Toronto.
I am terribly sorry to move the show again.
It is now rescheduled for April 10. I will be there no matter what. I love you Toronto. Also I’m afraid of Lorne so I do what he says.
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You had one. You killed him.
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I just told him Manafort and Cohen are both going to jail.
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It’s true. For example the right is openly planning to overturn elections if they lose, and the left is talking about maybe giving people healthcare. Equal.
Folks, it's not that hard, the left has moved to the left in the US *and* the right has moved to the right.
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Turn on your TVs, yell at your family to shut up, demand your neighbours watch as well, because it’s
#TheBeaverton
season premiere time
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You never had this wealth. It was a fiction they sold you to make you think the rigged game you were a part of that was designed to keep working and middle class people out was a good thing.
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It was on day 35 of having a child that I stared into the beautiful, blue eyes of my son and whispered “you will not break me.” He then peed on me some more.
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My kid who never sleeps has been sleeping for four hours straight and I’m so suspicious I’m this close to waking him up and yelling “what game are you playing motherfucker”
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Waiting in line to get into farmers market, because wife wanted trumps election to be only second worst thing that happened to me this week
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I told my wife how much the guys who wrote Thor made and she asked “why can’t you write a Thor?” so if Kevin Feige sees this feel free to DM me dude.
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@zoewhittall
@baddestmamajama
Totally agree. Although the actor who plays Nate did make an interesting point that the writers deliberately gave Ted and Nate no one on one scenes. So that isolation from Ted (plus the feeling of Roy taking his place) gave a broken person like Nate the excuse to lash out
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People who don’t have kids will never understand the deep level of joy and satisfaction that comes from sending your toddler to his grandparents for the night so you can get some sleep
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This week in
@TheBeaverton
writers room
@jocelyngeddie
told me something that ruined chocolate milk for me forever so you guys better watch the show I am sacrificing so much for this.
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