Guy Branum
@guybranum
Followers
96,077
Following
7,453
Media
1,613
Statuses
60,657
Headlining the Elysian Theater in LA May 7 for tickets.
West Hollywood
Joined May 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Drake
• 3072749 Tweets
Kendrick
• 2757310 Tweets
madonna
• 640474 Tweets
Sant Rampal Ji Maharaj
• 292936 Tweets
Not Like Us
• 202060 Tweets
こどもの日
• 191044 Tweets
어린이날
• 180646 Tweets
#अविनाशी_परमात्मा_कबीर
• 149028 Tweets
Copacabana
• 144044 Tweets
Flamengo
• 113930 Tweets
Anitta
• 92854 Tweets
ケンタッキーダービー
• 71346 Tweets
フォーエバーヤング
• 62890 Tweets
Anthony Edwards
• 58959 Tweets
子供の日
• 55391 Tweets
Maidana
• 53071 Tweets
鯉のぼり
• 52168 Tweets
#UFC301
• 47285 Tweets
Timberwolves
• 40482 Tweets
Minnesota
• 37591 Tweets
Leafs
• 36972 Tweets
Katt Williams
• 29967 Tweets
端午の節句
• 29666 Tweets
Bruins
• 27011 Tweets
Vogue
• 25788 Tweets
カグヤ様
• 25705 Tweets
ゴージャス
• 25457 Tweets
設営完了
• 25303 Tweets
Fortaleza
• 20616 Tweets
Like a Prayer
• 20328 Tweets
Hung Up
• 19576 Tweets
テーオーパスワード
• 17606 Tweets
Isabella
• 16195 Tweets
Naz Reid
• 13980 Tweets
Live to Tell
• 11960 Tweets
Ant Man
• 11765 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
I’m doing an hour May 7. Buy tickets! Come watch!
2
5
70
Betty White dying three weeks before she turned 100 is the final act of performer whose timing was always sharp, always unexpected, and even with the warmest of characters, always a little dangerous. No one else could live to 99 and so perfectly leave us wanting more.
162
9K
100K
This is the Hilarious Ross Matthews.
If you’re not showing off your new President Trump tattoo for
#PresidentsDay
, then you’re not patrioting correctly. Sorry not sorry!
2K
191
2K
174
6K
74K
Marianne Williamson is the only candidate bold enough to propose a witchcraft based health care system.
380
6K
51K
I thought the first rule of comedy was "Let Laurie Metcalf do the heavy lifting."
first rule of comedy: NEVER target someone more famous than U who is in the audience. U will lose the entire crowd.
6K
5K
24K
366
3K
30K
He keeps saying "The witnesses who were there" about an event he says never happened.
142
5K
28K
The movie about Queen Anne has more gay sex than the Freddie Mercury biopic.
64
3K
27K
I was not emotional. Then I realized every day the First Lady will wake up in the White House, go to a community college, and teach people the reading and writing skills they need to change their lives. Now I’m crying.
90
3K
28K
The symbol for women's bathrooms of a woman in a skirt is outdated and must be replaced by a stick figure of a person listening to a true crime podcast.
43
2K
20K
If you think gays have gotten civil rights really quickly compared to other groups, I'd love to know when you think gay people were invented.
127
2K
19K
I just saw Bohemian Rhapsody and learned you contract AIDS from lingering eye contact with unnamed male extras.
116
1K
18K
When Sen. Susan Collins dies I hope she is placed in a pit of searing lava for all eternity with a very nice lady next to the pit who could pull her out and always considers pulling her out but never pulls her out.
670
1K
18K
There has never been funnier writing than the chalk board of differences between Protestants and Catholics
In honor of the 6th anniversary of Derry Girls, what was your favorite moment from the show?
259
409
6K
44
1K
17K
You have to admit, it is nice to have gone two months with no new Carpool Karaokes.
30
854
17K
This bird is here to fuck your sexual binary.
42
2K
16K
The idea that we need police to protect us from the real criminals is significantly undercut by those 400,000+ rape kits that have never been tested or investigated.
44
5K
16K
Getting
#morbidlyobese
trending on twitter is a great way of ignoring the ongoing danger of Trump's presidency while reminding lots of other people on here that you barely think of us as human.
271
2K
15K
The little girl on "Old Enough" who could not find the clock shop, then vowed to find the clock shop must win the Emmy.
60
844
16K
Deadly force is not a legal self defense against non-deadly force. You don’t get to shoot someone because they might break a window.
43
2K
15K
We have formally made enough movies about how one time in the sixties a white person was nice. We can be done now.
29
1K
15K
We have made enough movies about how a white person was nice in the sixties.
55
2K
15K
In talking about how cruelly
@billyeichner
, white, cis, rich, hot- or not-hot-enough-to-be-a-movie-star (depending on who's tweeting) demanded the queer community support his movie, a thing that is rarely mentioned is the rest of the cast.
282
1K
14K
When Prince Harry talks about how everyone was envious of how good Meghan was at the job, it felt a bit aggrandizing. Then I saw this, and I realized, oh, no, Meghan has a skill set none of them have. Princess Anne isn't id-ing problems and creating brand partnership solutions.
The Duchess of Sussex has launched the Smart Works capsule collection in London.
The charity, of which Meghan is Patron, helps women to dress and prepare for interviews by providing them with key workwear essentials.
#DuchessOfSussex
@SmartWorksHQ
#MeghanMarkle
328
1K
8K
403
2K
13K
This is very rough news for Laurie Metcalf, who has to go back to a career of winning Tonys and being nominated for Oscars.
45
703
12K
Amy Coney Barrett not requesting her hearings be delayed until proper background investigations can be done and her failure to make full disclosures in the documents she has filed show a lack of regard for process that is disqualifying.
60
2K
12K
At the Oscars 20 years from now, I sincerely hope there's a dance number commemorating the anniversary of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.
31
435
12K
Every straight dude stand-up who talks about how you should be able to joke about anything has something he doesn’t think you should joke about and I have the blocks to prove it!
95
971
11K
As we honor Irish twitter's magnificent work over the last day, let us take a moment to remember Derry Girls's chalk board of Catholic and Protestant differences, the greatest piece of comedy writing every produced.
80
1K
11K
Jaws is about politicians captured by capitalism letting people die on July 4th rather than impose safety precautions which might depress the economy. Jaws is PROPHECY.
64
2K
11K
Oddly, I’m most excited that Karen Pence is being replaced by a Jewish entertainment lawyer.
50
937
11K
Things that white children do that are adorable become crimes when black and brown children do them. Crimes that create grounds for violence, searches, deportation and death. Think of all the times you broke the law in “harmless” ways and realize our skin color protects us.
So my little cousin was selling water and didn't have a permit so this lady decided to call the cops on an 8 year old.
#PermitPatty
10K
68K
169K
169
3K
10K
Fox News is actually a benevolent charity that helps to alienate you from your parents in their senior years so it hurts a little less when they die.
119
1K
10K
You’ve done it guys. You’ve saved democracy by saying Trump and Putin are gay for each other. The first 1000 times didn’t work, but your version was the final nail. You have humiliated them out of destroying democracy by saying they are like gay people. The union is safe.
41
2K
10K
I cannot wait to see how these “Frozen II” antibacterial hand wipes continue the story I loved so much in the original Frozen anti-bacterial hand wipes.
58
554
9K
One of Justice Kavanaugh's arguments in his dissent is that even though tomatoes have the biological structure we normally associate with fruit, as a society we understand and treat tomatoes as vegetables, which I think is a much better argument for trans rights than against.
55
1K
9K
Ruth Bader Ginsburg did the work of making a place for herself and all women in the Constitution before she was named one of its guardians. She is a framer of our nation as much as Madison or Jefferson. We must continue her work protecting and improving our nation.
27
2K
9K
Pretending that homophobic jokes weren't part of mainstream discourse everyone participated in during the 90s and 2000s is dangerous and ahistorical. We all acted like trash, so let's accept that and move along.
115
805
9K
I just heard that Chuy Bravo, whom I worked with at Chelsea Lately, has passed away. To most people, he was just the funny little guy on TV, but he had one of the most amazing lives I've ever heard anyone talk about.
49
563
9K
Does someone want to text our other two branches of government? Just to see if they're still alive?
35
985
9K
Hey
@FocusFeatures
, release "Emma" for rental on iTunes this weekend and you will make a BILLION DOLLARS.
122
601
9K
It's three years in. It's time to consider the possibility that calling Trump fat and orange isn't the magic bullet you guys seem to think it is.
88
785
8K
Never forget Dirty Dancing is a movie about reproductive freedom made by an HIV+ director about a person finding freedom through enjoying their body. Dirty Dancing is GOOD and it is POLITICAL.
38
722
8K
Is the answer to my mental health two iced coffees and a Fleetwood Mac song?
141
1K
8K
The rare read that literally throws shade. (this is skywriting over LA)
60
560
8K
Bragging about how you don't know who the Kardashians are is my least favorite posturing. Cultural illiteracy doesn't mean you're smart.
100
523
8K
If you oppose gay marriage and immigration to this country, you don't get farm to table dining. You picked a side in the culture wars, and it was the side without garlic scapes. cc:
@PressSec
57
838
8K
Comedians should support each other and one way Dave Chapelle could support me more is by calling me a faggot less.
264
369
7K
Some comedians want to tell jokes that all the world can laugh at together. I want to tell jokes that will make nine women with graduate degrees feel skewered through the heart with the realization they are not alone in this world. Potato, potahto.
66
194
8K
One of the reasons we criminalize sex work is so sex workers do not have recourse to government protection when they are threatened or attacked. We criminalize classes of workers to make them more exploitable.
22
1K
7K
Our boldest comics have NO FEAR of getting cancelled for saying something non-PC but somehow have TOTAL FEAR of saying "you should stop dating 16 year olds" or "you should not masturbate in front of our colleagues" to their dear friends and associates.
14
761
7K
I am very, very tired of everyone who behaves as though they have always been on the right side of justice. We’ve all said terrible things, we’ve all punched down. Being an adult capable of self-criticism and growth is way more valuable than imagining yourself pure.
26
1K
7K
I've had a bottle of wine and just started "Love, Actually" so I'll be tweeting angrily about the Laura Linney plotline in about 50 minutes.
79
78
7K
Am I not supposed to mention that the man who goes on Biggest Loser and yells at fat people about how they’re gonna have heart attacks has had more heart attacks than me? Is that in bad taste?
27
429
7K
We need a definition of the founders of our democracy that has space to include people like Stacey Abrams and Dolores Huerta as much as Madison or Hancock. The work of forming our democracy is ongoing, and the stories we tell about it should acknowledge that.
41
834
7K
Before you go to the Farmer's Market always remember to have $700 dollars in $10s.
14
487
6K
Sea Shanties are workers songs about collective action. It is not a coincidence they are having a moment.
22
779
6K
We don't often talk about this, but killing a gay man or trans woman is still NOT MURDER in 48 states. Please remember that the law still considers killing LGBT people to be a normal reaction to us, and support politicians who will help change these laws.
“Gay panic” and “trans panic” defenses are used in court to excuse crimes such as murder by arguing that the victim’s sexual orientation or gender identity provoked the defendant’s violent reaction.
@RepJoeKennedy
and I have introduced legislation to ban this hateful practice.
132
2K
6K
49
3K
6K
I have appreciated all the articles about how allergies, the flu and corona have similar symptoms, but would really love to also have an article that reminds me the reason I feel weird is probably because I've been drinking red wine since 9am.
22
274
6K
I still don't understand why they cut this number from Hairspray.
26
280
6K
The idea that sex is only valid when it produces children, that relationships are only wholesome when they result in parenthood is dangerous to queer people and people with uteruses. The Supreme Court and Texas are perpetuating that story. We gotta stop telling that story.
20
621
6K
"Prince Harry did Dax Shepherd's Podcast" is proof our planet is being ruled by a cursed Cards Against Humanity deck from 2014.
19
260
6K
The danger of casting gay or trans people in your gay or trans story is you might end up inadvertently making the character three-dimensional and human.
13
615
6K
Unlike most comedians, I have not been encouraging my fan base to vote because my fan base is entirely composed of research librarians, hyper-competant young professional women, and gay guys whose offices could not function without them. They've got a voting plan.
58
228
6K
If you were gay you’d know how to properly use the subjunctive mood.
56
309
6K
What's so shocking about this is the idea that there'd be a woman in an episode of "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee"
22
278
6K
Once at a gay bar in London I leaned over to the meanest looking girl in the bar, a stranger, and asked “Why does every twink in here have a backpack?” She said “They’re all on their way to Berlin.” Always talk to the meanest looking girl in a gay bar.
37
126
6K
The improvisational curfews are unconstitutional because the lack of notice violates the due process clause which should be a real comfort for everyone white enough to survive an arrest and rich enough to afford a civil rights attorney.
13
1K
6K
Juliana Margulies is a powerful reminder that we have given straight people too many GLAAD media awards.
26
665
6K
While we talk about the dynamics of race
@bonappetit
, and Sohla El-Waylly's bravery calling them out, let's also remember how excluded Blackness and African Amercanness were from the test kitchen.
9
1K
5K
Greta Gerwig continues to make perfect movies that are unrepentantly feminine and the major awards continue to say "You are not the winner, but you can be the winner's sister or nurse!" to her.
77
397
5K
Billy Graham said he thought AIDS was a judgement of god upon the gays. Well who’s alive and who’s dead now, buddy?
140
650
5K
Isn't it interesting that so many people successful in comedy are descended from exceedingly wealthy families. Truly, this pure meritocracy is full of lots of coincidences.
81
189
5K
There are certain historical figures who don’t fit comfortably within the boundaries of heterosexuality but who also did not leave adequate foundation to fully label LGBTQIAA+, and one of those is Sebastian the Crab.
24
328
5K
As we slog through the fetid discourse around sketch comedy and female attractiveness, I want to remind everyone that the Kids in the Hall never made drag the joke, they built CHARACTERS, and Dave Foley was so consistently hot in drag, Newsradio did an episode about it.
88
357
5K
Regular mass murder is a small price to pay to keep the equipment we need for hog hunting readily available.
29
1K
5K
Asking everyone to work from their Masturbatorium for seven months was bound to have unintended consequences.
19
260
5K
If people stopped tossing the word “Orwellian” around we might realize just how Huxleyan our world has gotten.
67
426
5K
Many established comedians are spending the bulk of their time being angry that jokes that were hack-but-dependable in 2005 don't work anymore.
Try writing new jokes.
I mean, I haven't, but at least I'm not angry about it.
41
404
5K
If you're saying this was a mess, yes, fighting against people without morals gets messy. Biden's fighting hard, somebody's got to.
26
547
5K
Why can't you just respectfully accept my opinion that you do not have the right to have opinions and should be politically ignored and denigrated. Let's agree to disagree about whether you're a person!
9
756
5K
It's very beautiful to see people in the gay community honoring and remembering Matthew Shepard on the 20th anniversary of his death, but I remember that around the time of his death another gay man, Billy Jack Gaither, was also brutally murdered.
69
1K
5K
My stance on wearing masks in public is heavily influenced by my belief that veils add drama.
11
353
5K
Whatever you think of Mayor Pete, our gay people who live in small towns & red states are doing something brave & important we city gays conveniently avoid.
48
257
5K
White people are weaponizing "I feel threatened". It's been very effectively used to let white men murder black men, or have white women use the police to kill black men. "I feel threatened" is a plausible excuse before a jury. A way you can help is SERVE JURY DUTY.
Florida man at Fort Myers Costco in "Running the World Since 1776" shirt flips out on elderly woman who asked him to wear a mask and man who defended her
#BecauseFlorida
(via
@profjaffar
)
19K
23K
57K
200
1K
5K
Chris Rock making an argument for Term Limits on an episode of SNL where the Presidential candidates are played by people who first appeared on SNL in 1996 and 1998.
69
170
5K
Also acknowledge that
@billyeichner
held the door open for a lot of other, diverse queer people, and this movie doing poorly at the box office limits the opportunities which will be in our future.
13
158
5K
People who say political correctness is killing comedy are really just saying they miss being able to call me a fag without being questioned
33
618
4K
The classiest way to come out of the closet is as a PR smokescreen to distract people from the fact that you tried to molest a child.
49
691
4K
I wrote a thing about the power structure of stand-up.
194
1K
4K
I have always said the races in this country should be treated EQUALLY, so I think POC shouldn’t criticize white people based on race, and white people should be enslaved to enrich POC for 300 years, then be denied civil and immigration rights for another 100. EQUALITY.
34
519
4K
I’m a little sad Joan Rivers didn’t live long enough to have a meltdown about how she doesn’t get Billie Eilish.
25
265
4K