Porfiry Petrovich but in 1970s Los Angeles instead of 1860s St. Petersburg

Someone just joined my Spotify jam at the gym and immediately skipped what I was listening to and played the Distance by Cake

My gang thinks he’s being stalkdogged

My stalker thinks he’s being gangdogged

My dog thinks he’s being gangstalked

microwave beep is a beautiful name for a baby girl

two different moms planned two different pizza parties in my honor..,. built different

Who up waiting for they W2

instead of calling cardio 'cardio', I'm gonna start calling it 'vascular'

My ex’s parents still love me and that’s how I know I’m completely blameless in the breakup

https://t.co/WvPytP221z

They should let you trade Objects at the grocery store

I don’t smoke weed anymore but sometimes I try to do algebra w/ Roman numerals

a child with adultlike wonder

My obituary will say I died in my sleep not because I passed away peacefully, but because I will have never succeeded in waking from my dogmatic slumber.

DEWEYDUDES RISE UP

Paul Simon: "Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard" Bonedigger, Bonedigger Dogs in the moonlight Far away in my well-lit door Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly Get these mutts away from me." Normal person: "Hey, man. How are you?"

(desperately trying to remember the expression "a hit dog will holler") yea if you punch a dog really hard it will scream a lot

Rewatching Paddington & I can’t help but notice he manages the whole boat trip from Peru without breaking a single jar of his marmalade. Not so clumsy when it’s your stuff & it matters to you are you, you little prick?

if it was me on that donkey don quixote and i would have fucked up those windmills let me just tell you that