The Black Hemingway
@J_Chiemeke
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Content & MarComms Specialist | Lawyer | 📚: #DreamingOfWaysToUnderstandYou | Words in @TheAfricaReport @welt @theipaper @Britblacklist @berlin_talents
London, United Kingdom
Joined December 2009
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A generous profile of me by Olumide Afolase at
@nigeriantribune
.
It's the first Nigerian publication to take a full-length shot at this, so the flowers are well-received. I appreciate it.
In other news, I NEED a new headshot. This photo is 4 years old.
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Anthony Joshua and Israel Adesanya say "Omo Yoruba ne mi" all the time & no one bats an eyelid.
Iheanacho puts up a shirt & you are threatening to "withdraw support".
Lmao, can you afford a match ticket? Can you even afford DStv?
Your Igbo-phobia will be the death of you.
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Oh, you people thought that landmines will allow you to be singing "Take Me Home, Country Road, West Virginia" while your leg is there.
Lmao.
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The saddest part is that it's people like this, who possess such a limited vocabulary, that get to review several job applications.
Imagine being at the mercy of an individual who attributes everyday English text to Artificial Intelligence.
@paulg
delve, safeguard, robust, demystify, 'in this digital world',
all chatgpt.
I am rejecting all content with any of these words.
there is no problem with these words, but they make human language mechanical.
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In October 2021, my dad's corn farm at Onicha-Ugbo in Delta State was ravaged by these herdsmen. They destroyed everything.
Days later, they went to another farm, but the owner chased them away with his rifle.
Guess who was locked up by the police for possession of firearms?
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Nigerians have a complicated relationship with numbers, data and financial figures.
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@Lewanjoski
@Ibra_official
@ItsShark15
No, the World Cup and the Champions League have never won Zlatan
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On this day nineteen years ago, some random guy threw Christmas crackers into our compound interest Warri.
My mother, rather hypertensive, went into shock & ran short of breath.
She was taken to the hospital. By 4.25am she was pronounced dead.
Merry Christmas, mom.
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"Let the poor breathe, do not suffocate them"
- The suffocator, asphyxiator and smotherer-in-chief.
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Pray, tell, who has ever unalived from buying Louisa Vinton?
You are condemning fake alcohol but you selling fake LV. It is like you are mad.
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During the war, the Federal troops raided Asaba. They killed the men and in raping the women, some of the soldiers would pass one woman round, laughing as she screamed in her dialect for mercy
Over five decades later, a governor's son used that reference
"I'm sorry" won't do.
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I'm a simple guy.
Someone talks about entering the UK with a student visa in 2024, I discourage them with all my might.
I'm probably speaking from a position of privilege, but that path become progressively worse in the past 18 months.
You don't want to hear the stories!
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"Chidi Mokeme is so underrated, oooh, wow, damn, ahh, ouuu"
First of all, how old are you, sunshine?
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Dua Lipa runs a thriving book club.
She's been pushing these conversations for a minute.
It's not so "random."
Chimamanda and Dua Lipa discussing Half Of A Yellow Sun.
What a random combo!
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Hauwa slander is forced.
Remember those funny ass carousels on Kraks TV that year? Who do you think was sketching them?
Sure, there are people who connect better with the threads + memes than the video content, but trying so hard to argue that she's unfunny is ridiculous.
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When reading about Nigeria's dating scene, all you see is food, food, food.
It's exhausting.
He said we should go on a pizza date,I said I’ll prefer pizza hut or debonairs, he kept insisting on domino’s when we got there,the workers were hailing him,He works there,the pizza was free,I dunno how he did that,Got home and blocked him
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Mom died when I was nine.
Dad stood in both roles for a significant period of time.
Visiting days, everything
I should probably wish him Happy Mother's Day too...but the difference is, I'M NOT STUPID
The day(s) are fixed based on biology, not necessarily roles.
Stay pressed
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When I was in secondary school in the early 2000s, it seemed that we had a rich History curriculum. The teacher loved talking about the Kanem-Bornu Empire, and I had this textbook which discussed Bashorun Gaa, but the syllabus was silent when it came to the Nigerian Civil War!
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"Hey, can I kiss you?"
"Erm, do you mind if I put my hand there?"
"Let me know whenever you feel uncomfortable about this"
"I'd really love to touch you...but only if you want me to"
Asking for Consent is actually cute...with the right voice inflection.
You should try it.
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@EfuaIsEnuf
Big Ivy for punchlines.
Mama Dollarz for flow and delivery.
I'd say they are even
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For a country that is experiencing poverty at its deepest levels, weddings in Nigeria are too expensive and flamboyant.
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@GontseMohlatlo
Dear Barometer for Manhood,
It is with regret that I write to you that I pack food in lunch boxes.
You see, I have a job, & I think it's more economically viable, & healthier too, to take food from home.
I'm sorry I failed you.
Regards, a (non) man who uses lunch boxes.
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I don't mix up "they're", "their" and "there."
Also, I type sentences in full, I eat with my mouth covered, and I use deodorant.
Lastly, I resist the urge to be loud about topics that I have a poor grasp of.
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Damilare Kuku IS NOT a "diaspora writer."
Lol.
She lives in Lagos.
Lmao. What in the exaggerative fiction is this? Nigerian in diaspora writers and their love for overly displaying nuance notes of culture.
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2 weeks ago, 12 lawyers, each between 5-7 years post-call experience were made to wait at a law firm on the ISLAND from 8am to 6pm. Written test, 2 rounds of oral interviews. No water, no snacks
One of the guys who was picked just showed me the offer.
The salary? N45,000!
WTF
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Treasure what you got.
Pick your mother's calls, understand that sometimes her overbearing nature is out of love.
I envy those with mothers who hound them with BCs & complain about their social media photos.
My dad's wife is aiit, but what ain't yours ain't yours.
We move
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From today and until a change in circumstances occurs, I no longer desire to have Brittlepaper appear as one of the publication credits in my writers' bio.
I will also be seeking that my short story, "Coming To Terms", be withdrawn from the platform, in light of current events
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@danwayye831
- The South has alternatives.
- Most Northerners do not have the spending power to purchase the products
- In the end, hoarding perishable goods goes to hurt the producer, not the consumer
- Law of demand & supply. In 6 months, we'll see who cries
Keep your rotten tomatoes.
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You can miss someone to bits AND STILL decide that you are better off not reaching out.
The heart is allowed to mourn, but some doors, when reopened, only serve to disrupt your sanity.
Train your soul in the art of unlearning people. It's a necessity, like taking showers.
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Remember when Wizkid tweeted "me and Tems created magic" in February?
Well, he wasn't lying.
"Essence" is a beauty.
Meanwhile I was going through the YouTube comments and apparently, not many people know her.
She's being introduced to new audiences now.
A win for her.
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Still not seen any post from his account or the HOTR Comms team shedding light on the Rhoda Jatau situation.
Civil rights societies in Asia and Europe have been more vocal than Nigerian Pentecostal clergymen in advocating for her release.
Are YOU ready for
#TE18
??
You’ve not seen anything like it before…Brace Yourself!
See you THIS Friday, 7pm till dawn.
📍TBS, Onikan Lagos
#JesusourWayMaker
#ShareTheExperience
#te18
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Okadabooks launched the careers of many authors who couldn't withstand the murky waters of traditional publishing, and made books accessible to people who consumed content ellectronically.
They revolutionised digital publishing in Africa.
Sad to hear they are closing down.
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Not an intelligent take, at all.
You need to see more of her movies, obviously.
I'm not a fan of Adesua, but this tweet is hollow, uninformed, baseless.
And the colorism bit? Dead it, doesn't cut it here.
Re Sugar Rush:
Adesua Etomi is a beautiful soul but she isn't a good actor. I understand that probably Colorism and favoritism may be responsible for her getting roles on a regular but let's be honest.
Tobi that wasn't initially a great actor did better as an actor in this movie
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If Satire is your thing, if you're drawn to British dry humour and sarcasm, then you have to see the mockumentary
#CunkOnEarth
on Netflix.
Irreverent, hilarious, gutsy.
The jokes are well-written, but the real hero is Diane Morgan who dazzles with her deadpan delivery.
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@call_me_lexxi
- Soldiers literally cast lots to see who will take his tunic
- Garment so rad, a woman got healed by just touching it
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Disinformation could end up being the death of the Obidient movement.
Your credibility wanes every time you prioritize sensationalism over truth.
Peter Obi is big on going to "verify." A lot of influencers could borrow a leaf from that.
Don't make people look stupid, please.
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Nengi has so much sex appeal.
Like, she dey enter eye, wian wian.
Very marketable face, too.
There's a carriage to her, an air, an aura.
My Lord and my God!!!
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In 2016 I was a customer service officer at UBA.
I'd hand in my phone at 7.40am, and wouldn't get it until 6pm in the evening. We'd send cleaners to get us lunch, couldn't go out because it was a busy branch.
Circumstances differ. Sweeping statements like this are dangerous.
Nobody goes 5 hours without checking their phones, if they don’t reply you within 5 hours you don’t matter to them
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Well I'm done running from the need to fully process the grief, I'm done looking for her in older women, & I'm glad I didn't use her passing as an excuse to be an asshole.
I didn't turn out badly, but who knows what would have been?
Hopefully she has new friends over there.
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The jollof rice she made before she passed on was never eaten.
I practically don't eat jollof on December 25. I don't care much for decors either.
This is not about grieving anyways, this is just deep reflection.
I guess everything changed that day, even if I don't admit it
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So here's the thing.
We actually don't migrate enough.
For all the noise about "Nigerians flooding the UK", there are 12 Indians to one Nigerian. Facts.
We just tend to be loud about it, as with everything else.
Also, Migration is a very middle-class phenomenon.
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Moe's only "crime" was setting up a public defense system for youths who'd been harassed by law enforcement.
She & others did in two weeks what the Office of the Public Defender hasn't done in decades!
Seizing her passport violates her right to free movement.
#FreeMoeSexy
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So, I've decided to roll out a thread of (young) Nigerian female writers who pen down interesting stuff.
(I'm not talking about Ms. Adichie or Ms. Chika Unigwe. They are already popular)
These ladies write stories, plays, scripts & lifestyle pieces. Check them out.
Follow me
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Worst tweet this week, and it's only Monday.
Conveniently left out the (recommended) hours for sleep, commute times, prep times, grocery shopping and other activities sure to take time.
I detest this disingenuous side of Twitter.
I don't think people understand how much time they actually waste.
Because 9-5's only use 40 out of an available 168 hours per week.
Skill issue
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For
@theNETng
, I did a mini-profile of Erica Nlewedim, with emphasis of her career trajectory and journey to becoming one of Nigeria’s popular media personalities
Erica Nlewedim: BBNaija Fan Favourite And Fast-Rising Media Personality
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Nengi is one unproblematic babe.
Deserves all the good coming to her.
Was always going to be a star after the show.
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This thread is not to draw any kind of pity. I fucking winged the life without her, I'm good.
It's just reflection.
When y'all talk about your moms praying for you, when IG comedians do skits, I can't relate, sadly.
But 28 is too old to whine. She wasn't here, deal with it.
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@DanyAllstar15
Americans and their weird sense of exceptionalism.
A list of "athletes in the world", only mentioning athletes in American sports, without even a mention of the most popular sport in the world.
No soccer players on the list.
This is as myopic as it is hilarious.
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- With garri
- With soft bread
- With dodo
- With sweet potatoes
But beans is a horrible food.. How do you people eat it😔
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Say what you will, but Erica is a whole snack
Nay, she's the entire showglass
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Brymo has been throwing shade at Burna Boy since 2020, impugning the latter's genius because "he samples".
First off, any artiste who doesn't see how valuable sampling is clearly doesn't qualify to be called "intelligent."
I need Burna to drag that insufferable lout some more.
“Hustle make you go fall off like Brymo” — Burna Boy 👀 👀
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Sometimes I imagine it's still Dec 24, 2000 and my entire life so far is a vision of the future and she's threatening not to give me Christmas salad if I don't know the dishes, but I guess that's how bargaining as a stage of grief looks like.
Should have washed those plates.
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I'm grateful for all the support and wishes
If she's up there, she'll probably smile from the outpouring of love you all are showing today.
I hope your Christmas plays out nicely, & I hope you draw positives from my story. Cherish family, always.
I have nothing to promote
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But here's the thing.
You can't just pin this bigotry on politicians and the elite.
This is only possible because there is enough hate in your hearts for them to exploit in the first place.
If there's no excrement on your ass, flies won't dance at the back of your trousers.
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@wizkidayo
@kadetXx
@BankyW
Not to be a spoilsport, but "Holla At Your Boy" and "Tease Me" had already been released before August 2010 when this tweet was posted.
The current narrative is cute, but I think this tweet may have been bants, since Wizzy & Banky W were already working together as of June 2010
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@CaliSummers23
@SmokeeDarko
The tweet is a jab at inconsistency in rhetoric.
Bezos & Rihanna (loved as she is) are both capitalists.
This has nothing to do with race or gender.
I hate having to explain simple things, but there you go.
Also, the "racist" line is not very smart.
Cheers.
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I want to leave Lagos. It's official.
If you know any opportunities for mid-level experienced lawyers in Abuja, please do well to lead me to it.
6 years post call experience. Specialty is corporate commercial law. Adept at writing.
RT please. Next employer could be on your TL
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If you're a man and you stand in support of women who have been abused time and time again, there's no medal for you, don't expect gratitude speeches.
You're doing what any reasonable human being should do.
Acknowledging your privilege doesn't confer sainthood.
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@hephzioma
Go through the replies for perspective...that is, if you actually want to have a conversation, rather than just reading to react.
In any case, I alluded to my privilege, while pointing out the perils.
Cheers.
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People are not talking about "Southy Love" enough.
Peruzzi and Fireboy DML, two of the best writers in Nigeria's Afropop scene, combined to lethal effect.
P-Priime went in with the production too.
Late Friday evening kind of jam. Rhythmic.
Clearly deserves more numbers.
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Cult clashes in Ijesha.
Police shooting at bikers in Itire.
NURTW clashing at Obalende.
Unrest at Ajah.
Ruckus at Idumagbo.
The entire city is upside down at this point.
I'd want everyone I care about to stay indoors if they can help it.
"Centre of Excellence" 🤡🤡
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@Otosirieze
It's a shame what writing in this clime has become.
I stand with you at this time.
There will be bigger opportunities.
Much respect, Nwannem.
Jisike
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Ultimately, it is important that we never lose sight of who we are or where we came from, and that we do not stop demanding accountability from a government that refuses to admit it committed genocide. We're beautiful, we're bigger than geographical contraptions.
Udo.
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Made In Lagos had a very good run, without a doubt.
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@Sai_Ishaya_
Toh.
You know ball.
Imagine throwing £20,000 on top vibes, amidst hyperinflation
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That one on top is a Project Manager. 😏
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It looks like "banter", but there is a growing tendency to talk down on academic excellence in Nigerian cyberspace.
That, among other things, is the sign of a millieu that is averse to progress.
By the way, the anti-academic sentiment is more vitriolic offline. We're toast.
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I was earlier opposed to Olumide because he didn't campaign at all, he seemed unserious.
But after the nonsense from this past weekend, I think I want the LP wave to wash Desmond Elliott out.
I lived in Surulere for 4 years and all he did was commission toilets.
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Cyprian Ekwensi hardly gets mentioned when it comes to discussions about the greatest writers in Africa, & it breaks my heart.
Ekwensi was THAT storyteller. His target audience may have been different, but his novels had nuance.
He didn't (& still doesn't) get enough credit.
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Parenthood is not a democracy.
I think forcing your kids to eat food they don’t like besides vegetables is low key child abuse.
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@instablog9ja
Nigerian men dey fall hand sha.
Indians move abroad and think up ways to build even bigger communities, same for Eastern Europeans, but our countrymen just wan bust nut.
Drink tea and wear long johns jare!
Bumble and Hinge kuku dey for you.
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@SMiTHiE___
is necessary on this app.
Per content creation, he's killing it, and he's carved a niche for himself.
Even if you're not given to gist (read: gossip), you can't deny his entertainment value.
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...but you can check my pinned tweet for an insight on the kind of services I render, as well as my interests.
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Thirty-one.
🎂🎂🎂
Here's to a year, and a decade, without (avoidable) drama and incident.
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Thirty. 🎂🎂🎂
(Wo, no new pictures, I no get budget for photoshoot biko.)
Here's to perspective, here's to living, here's to grace.
Say a prayer, send money, save a nice seat at those high tables.
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Wasn't a battle.
One was just stressing Chief, who rightfully ignored...until she had time and "obscenely" swatted the other like a fly.
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How am I supposed to love you when you type in abbreviations for God's sake?????
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So, summary of today's TL in one tweet :
- Many Muslims are still intolerant
- Brymo, your "intellectual" musician, might be a rapist
- Eniola Badmus was approached by a philanthropist to do N500k giveaway, & charged the person N150k!
- MacBooks could sometimes serve as WCs
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A brilliant dude I know is at the risk of losing his Skilled Visa/Sponsorship status in the UK.
Turns out the company is folding up.
He's a Product Manager with proven experience in the finance and FMCG sectors.
Please DM me if you've got any leads.
RT for visibility, too.
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🎵Heading out west with(out) my headphones on, boarded a flight with a song at the back of my soul 🎵
Let's just say I got tired of writing personal statements for people to enter school.
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Apparently, a landlord at Aguda in Surulere wants to collect N350, 000 as basic rent for this.
N520,000 total package.
You people in
#Lagos
have your consciences seared with hot iron, because what in the dog shed is this?
Hell is too mild for house agents.
@Gidi_Traffic
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I love the saltiness of fan bases like this. Their tears delight me.
Also shows that they don't listen to much music.
Anyone who actually digested
#HarrysHouse
and still feels like Styles has no talent should go for ear surgery, it's that simple.
I wonder how that white boy feels knowing he won not by talent or merit but by white racism and it’s obsession to humble a black woman. Because he knows, oh he fucking knows he is not talented enough to even win over her.
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You won't understand why those of us from the South-South are loud whenever we achieve feats.
We are hardly seen, except when it comes to using stereotypes for story material.
Where is the representation in media, film & Literature?
It's why I'm deliberate about identity.
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