Fart Sommelier
@FartSandwich
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6,648
Following
557
Media
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Statuses
28,220
Celebrity chef. Worst food writer ever at @thetakeout . Also: Serious Eats, Thrillist, Bon Appétit, Dill, and I'm not actually a celebrity chef. Bye
Chicago, IL, USA, The World
Joined June 2008
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Pinned Tweet
I've joined the Substack train. If you want to see my usual Pizzle shenanigans, I'll be working on them here. Most content will be free -- but the balls-to-the-wall shit, I'm going to need help with. So RT, sign up for the free mailer, and I love you guys.
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I guess Italian beef isn't quite the same in Wisconsin, because this is the first time I've ever said "Oh no" when handed a sandwich
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One day I thought to myself, "Why can't bread be refreshing?" So, I replaced all the water in the classic no-knead bread recipe with Gatorade.
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Answers: Yes, there was beef under that weird shell of congealed cheese, we did eat it (it wasn't that bad), and no, I won't tell you where I got it because they'd probably have to go into Witness Protection.
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There's a shadowy lasagna board out there this is some deep state shit
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In celebration of The Bear season 2, I'd like to humbly resubmit the time I got an Italian beef in Wisconsin and immediately began crying from laughter
I guess Italian beef isn't quite the same in Wisconsin, because this is the first time I've ever said "Oh no" when handed a sandwich
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I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wrote the cover story for the March edition of Bon Appétit magazine this year. Bucket list item complete.
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I may or may not have gotten married yesterday........
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I wrote this. GOOD LUCK TO MY MENTIONS TODAY I'M GONNA NEED IT
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Thanks to an inspiration tweet from
@bettinamak
(h/t
@kureally
), I've married crab rangoons with cheesecake. Please welcome my new baby to the world.
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Holy shit! We've been in a cabin with no cell service and I come back to a viral tweet?! We should go on vacation more often.
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I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm at a combination Taco Bell and Long John Silvers AND I'M LOVING EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THIS SHIT
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I'm so Chicago that I ask the Italian beef guy to dip my sandwich AFTER he wraps it in foil. I ask him to dunk my car. I bathe in jus. I've ruined relationships because all I ever talk about is Italian beef. I'm so Chicago that I crap Italian beef. Chicago Chicago Chicago chkcago
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Now that today is my actual birthday and it's in the middle of a pandemic, this meme photo of me has reached its final, glorious, form.
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I ran out to take this photo so quickly I forgot to close my car door
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Holy shit Jaques Pépin read the article I wrote about him
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So aside from writing a small note on my newsletter, I haven't been too vocal about the fact that I've gotten a new job.
Starting Monday, I'll be joining
@thetakeout
as a staff writer! I can finally say I'll be a full-time food writer and damn, that feels good.
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They call it A5 wagyu because you're supposed to pour 5 times the regular amount of A1 sauce on it
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Hey, Chicago! I'm infusing Malort with durian fruit. These are the most vulgar words I've ever written. Bye!
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I was not expecting to be on the news tonight wearing this dumb fucking hat but okay
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I was fucking around on T*co B*ll's website (you'll see why I did the *'s in a sec), and FOUND A WAY TO GET DISCOUNTED BEAN BURRITOS BY CLICKING AROUND. There's a glitch on the website (NOT THE APP), and this whole thing is hilarious.
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In my 39 years on earth, I've never tried a communion wafer, and I've united Heaven and Earth by combining them with Taco Bell.
There's a big (to me) personal announcement on this one too, way at the bottom. I'm excited for you to know.
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HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST PHOTO OF ME IN EXISTENCE
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I'm at
@kfc
headquarters and we did a little sandwich building competition. Mine had Mumbo sauce, pickles, onions, chicken breast, Korean ssamjang, and cole slaw. Guess who won?!
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I somehow managed to get my hands on a fresh black truffle, so I breaded it in Shake 'N Bake, deep-fried it, and dipped it in ketchup. Because fuck it.
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136
I get to write about a lot of cool stuff for
@thetakeout
, but I'm really proud of this. I finally got down to the bottom of what a sport pepper actually IS, since they're my favorite part of a Chicago-style hot dog, but few people have ever defined them.
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This Shamrock Shake is so green I actually started laughing when I got it
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Stephen Colbert used my food review about turkey ThanksNuggets during his opening segments last night, I think I can retire now.
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LMFAO look at this photo my fiancée just took of our cat
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I could stare at this picture of Taco Bell's Cheesy Roll Up all day
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I was part of the research crew for this. Basically what I'm saying is I just tagged along and ate pizza. Love you, Chicago.
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I can't believe I'm saying this, but I managed to get ahold of a whole fresh black truffle, which means I'll be breading it, deep frying it, and dipping it in ketchup.
If you think I'm kidding you don't know me
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I know everyone is scared right now, but I do have some small good news: My 88-year-old uncle, who's half paralyzed, is being discharged from the hospital after successfully battling COVID-19.
This guy survived the Vietnam war, and a stabbing during a robbery, and now this.
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2
111
Today's my 40th birthday, and my second during the pandemic.
Most of you know that this past year was hard for me, and a few times it brought me to my knees. But what I learned is how deeply I'm loved. I will forever be grateful for that, and for you.
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I have shoved
the plums
that were in
the icebox
up my ass
which
you were definitely
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
it was a
bad idea
please drive me to
the ER
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13
110
This is quesabirria and tacos from Flo's Kitchen Food Truck in Avondale, Chicago. It's a food truck parked in the owner's backyard, and when I asked if I could sit on the concrete to eat they set up a table for me! Everyone goooooooo
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@torqpenderloin
ahem it's on MASHED CAULIFLOWER AND GARLICKY GREENS, just like we do in CHICAGO. da bears
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Bucket list item: achieved! I've been reading
@bonappetit
for decades, and it's one of the reasons why I got into food in the first place. Now I'm on the site. Here's my freelance debut, my love letter to Chicago.
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So I'm doing a pop up that sold out in TWO MINUTES with
@UTChicago
next Monday, so most of you will have to just enjoy a pic of my pizza: It's called "What a Load of Buldak."
Smoked fire chicken, sesame seeds, green onion, and Samyang buldak ramyun hot honey. Jeez, two minutes?!
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In order to celebrate our second shots today, we ate the rarest cut of chicken: The fingers
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@ericriveracooks
i love halo so much!!! when i play online i drive the warthog around, beep at all my teammates to get them to jump in, them immediately drive the jeep right off a cliff
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Cricket passed away last Friday and I miss her so much it hurts.
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Every time I come visit my parents my dad insists on buying me McDonald's. I'm 41.
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My fiancée got kicked out of a baby name Facebook group after saying she wanted to name a kid "Diarhea."
She said it was a tribute to her "two heroes Princess Diana and Rhea Perlman." Exquisite. Two minutes later she was banned.
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OKAY JERKS I MADE A PIZZA WITH A BUNCH OF PIZZAS ON IT ARE YOU HAPPY NOW
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WE FUCKING DID IT.
More to come, but we're thrilled to announce that we've reached a tentative agreement. We're proud to bring this to our unit for ratification.
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I feel like people in Chicago don't talk about the Maxwell Street Polish all that much! If you're not from Chicago you can at least have the same lunch as us, it's the easiest thing on the Chicago roster to make. Polish, grilled onions, yellow mustard.
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Early newsletter drop! I tried brewing a
@PapaJohns
Special Garlic dipping sauce container in my
@Keurig
coffeemaker because...I could. I am the greatest food writer in all of history.
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I tried making instant ramen in my dishwasher and yes, I put the seasoning packet in the detergent dispenser, because that's what it's for, isn't it?
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When I was a full time pizzamaker, we made a crying kid a bunny-shaped pizza to try and cheer him up, but we made kind of an ugly one. When we brought it over the kid started crying even harder
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I accidentally stumbled upon a bulgogi sandwich at a little hot dog stand called J's Corner Hot Dogs today. Sure enough, it's Korean owned. Pretty wonderful to see Korean food tucked into a menu alongside Italian beef and Chicago dogs, like it's belonged there this whole time.
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Goodnight Nugget, Mr. Handsome Boy. We will always love you.
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CADBURY CREME SCOTCH EGGS LET'S GOOOOOOO
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I used to make pizza for a living. The idea of being replaced by a robot seemed more likely in that industry than at my current job as a food writer.
But no. The AI thing has come for us and management has announced that they'll be implementing it on our sites. This is fucked.
Our statement on G/O Media's plan to implement AI content, just days after laying off newsroom members.
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I have been thinking about the economy of words in this note I received from
@TABASCO
all day. This is some Ernest Hemingway level-shit
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People went HAM on the NYT recipe developer that added tomatoes to pasta carbonara, so I decided to replace nearly every ingredient in it, add ketchup, and still call it carbonara, because there is no bad time in your life for a pasta controversy.
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I love my cats, but every time I open a can of anything, they naturally assume it's for them and go nuts. It's making it really hard for me to enjoy this cat food I'm about to eat right now
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Tony was one of the reasons why I started writing about food. Everyone wanted to be him. What I learned later is that writing about food almost has nothing to do about food. The hook is the food, the reason you stay is because of the voice. And his voice was as clear as it gets.
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Holy shit this restaurant created a burrito where everything in it rhymes with "burrito"
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I'm glad dental floss is flavored because nothing goes better with bloody gums than spearmint.
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Just got off of a Zoom interview with a well-known food magazine who wanted my input on a pizza piece they're doing.
Best thing was the last time I used Zoom, my display name was "Penis Lee" and I forgot to change it back before I joined the call
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Their names are: SCORPION AND SUB-ZERO
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This corn and shishito cream pizza from
@piecechicago
by my friend Billy is fucking delicious
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This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. It's about my relationship with my cat, Cricket.
I guess if you're going to read anything of mine, please read this.
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I found raw chicken gizzards on the sidewalk in not just one, but three different locations today. Blessed.
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Congratulations to maybe the worst slice of pizza I've ever had
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I finally officially lost it. I didn't check the calendar and came into the office on a national holiday and am sitting alone in silence. And I was wondering why there was nobody on the train today.
10
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77
This porchetta sandwich from L&M Fine Foods in Chicago was frickin' terrific. Porchetta, garlic aioli, fried capers, arugula. I could eat another one right now.
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1
75
Mom dropped off some food at our doorstep today, which included one of my favorite kimchi varieties, shredded radish and oyster. It came with a warning that I better eat it immediately otherwise it might spoil and get me sick. The best kind of food is from mom, and dangerous.
4
1
73
Holy crap!
@madeincookware
liked my Gatorade no-knead bread piece so they sent me some sick cookware, a stainless steel pan and a carbon steel one! Beautiful pieces.
This is the first time anyone's sent me merch because of my newsletter. Feels like a milestone.
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72
I've just learned of a dish called "Dutch mess." Mashed potatoes, bacon, ALL of the bacon fat, hard boiled eggs, and...iceberg lettuce. Midwestern cooking will never cease to amaze me.
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Happy Korean-American version of Thanksgiving everyone, I love you guys
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This is our union. Our management is trying to replace us with AI (which is makes garbage mistakes), they keep laying us off, and are trying to strip us of our rights. I love my coworkers and we just want a decent place to work. (Google G/O Media in the news. You'll see.)
Yesterday, our union delivered a strike pledge signed by over 97% of our unit to management. We are prepared to fight for the contract we deserve.
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New Food is Stupid piece is out on
@SubstackInc
! Thanks to
@70s_party
, I recreated an ancient abomination called Beef Tingler.
Retweet if you like the taste of my tears.
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My mom and I share a birthday, which is today (cute, I know). She just sent me this text message: "Someday u will have your own birthday not sharing with mom, that will be weird 🤣🤣🤣"
What the fuck mom
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Out of all the dumb shit I've ever done in the kitchen, I've never accidentally roasted a knife before, but here we are today
7
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71
JT's Genuine (Avondale, Chicago) is incredible. I'm going to be dreaming about this whole tray for days
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I took this pic five years ago when I was learning how to fire off Detroit-style pizzas. Now I write about all sorts of food for a living! Some days I still can't believe it. It took 10 years to get here but I'm glad I never gave up.
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