Lia L'Assassin ★ Nutcracker Sweet
@Design_Assassin
Followers
5,241
Following
3,287
Media
5,656
Statuses
44,157
Show us ya Twits! Cheeky Lass w a side of Sass. Pure heart, Dirty mind. 89% Humor. Creative. Wordsmith. Photo,🎵 Design/Tech Nerd. ⅔ Ninja. Typo 👑 Kind. In 🖤
Always Somewhere. Ninja WitPro
Joined April 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
She's a 10, but in this economy, she's a 14. Then after tax, she's a solid 7.8.
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One's man's expensive midlife crisis,
is another man's psychotic break.
~ Confucius, on Elon and Ye / Kanye
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There are two wolves inside of you and both of them are perverts 🐺
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Pets vs Optical Illusions.
Smart cat, though 😂
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QT a selfie that could be a poster
*Lost a bet and had to post a selfie 😭
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Oh, you need diet tips? Sure. Your pants can't get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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One of the better mash-ups of this. Canadian road rage car window punch guy vs The White Stripes 🎶👊
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Fine. Thighs it is. They'd be better wrapped round his head, but sadly that'll have to wait 🙄😏
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Fisher Price My Little Frat Party™ 🎉
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Make your followers fall in love with your eyes. - RT/QT yours -
Oh, sure! Am I doing this right? 👀 Do you all love my eyes?? Think I nailed it...
Make your followers fall in love with your eyes
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I know weekend Twitter's dead, but raise your hand if you're not a corpse
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I'm a slut for intellectual intercourse
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Need a last minute Valentine's gift?
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Screenshot this to see what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day 👀
Quote tweet the result. Let it run, it’s long
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You, but no face
No face I can do. I do have hips, hiding in this summer maxi dress throwback
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Me: when the weather's so cold, and your nipples turn into Valerian steel. In case any of you were wondering...
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Someone who truly values you, and really wants to be in your life, will find a way to make it happen.
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Babe, can you peel my orange?
The orange:
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Some people will never know what they could've had until it's gone. Don't be one of them.
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The only regular exercise some of you do, is jumping to conclusions, and it shows
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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.
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Hey women, it's okay.
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
The fish in the sea:
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Might start responding to rude people using 18th century insults. You, Sir, are a fopdoodle! A blatherskite who talks gobbledygook. An utter nincompoop, with the combined hindsight of a flock of blind geese!
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Are you really broken, or just slightly malfunctioning and in need of a warranty service?
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The look of absolute and utter sheer disappointment when the a-hole cat steals your dog bed. Poor doggo 😆
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Let's get weird and run away together
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Drop a pic of you that could be an album cover 🖤 🎶
*I may or may not have been on one
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HAPPY HUMP DAY! Ya pervs 🖤 I don't normally post my ass on the internet, butt here I am posting my ass on the internet. The cashews are working...
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I'm sorry if someone
you loved, made you think
that you are hard to love.
It doesn't make it true.
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For those that feel 'broken' from traumas and life, just remember: those cracks are where the light gets in ♡
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RT & QT with your most recent B&W
✌🏻🫶🏻😎
Don't faint. Rare bedhead specimen.
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Fuck normal. I want magic with you ♡
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Russian dolls are so full of themselves
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Social media: where grammar and spelling go to die.
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Happy New Year to the lovers, good weirdos, & freaks. Thanks for tolerating my dad & dick jokes, typos, and branded weirdness; you can expect the same mediocrity tomorrow. Props for keeping me highly amused whilst I rolled with the punches. May 2024 bring you only good things 💚
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Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
*Unless it's that thing that I like
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Not to brag, but I just rubbed one out
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Why do we call it ‘common sense’ when it seems to be so uncommon?
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In a world full of bullshitters, it's increasingly rare to find the truly genuine ones. Those who backup words with action, are my kind of people.
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It's such ice cream weather, isn't it?
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Deliciously breathless,
your pearly fluids
decorate my skin.
Your hands, branding
me as your own.
#15WordPoet
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The biggest risk in life,
is not taking any risks at all.
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Be kind to people today.
Especially be kind to yourself.
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I'm not sure if you can upsize to a medium-size slut from a small 99¢ one, but the corn dog is one size fits all. For a limited time only, while stocks last.
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When the chemistry is off the hook, and they tick all the boxes you never even knew you had 🥵 oof...
That there, is fucking beautiful.
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Proof of life selfie: QT or drop one
LIA is no longer MIA 😜 Been a while, why TF not? 🤷♀️ No one'll see it anyway. I'm sure the algorithm's hating on me and my visibility 😭 Pink's not a shade I like, and I look like death took a dump, yay hair, but eh. Show me your faces!
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How to flirt all sexy like.
Take notes, men...Swoon 😍
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How y'all look in black? QT
Had a Lip Slip wardrobe malfunction, midshot, but it'll do 😅 Going faceless cos hair is a mess. It's all you're getting
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Be the weird you want
to see in the world
🙌
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She's a 10, but she calls it Valentime's Day
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I'd rather make your dick hard, and not your life...
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My safe word is:
floccinaucinihilipilification
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@heyitsJudeD
We married with such a great force,
But I realized our love's gone off course.
So I'm seeking the legal discourse,
To say farewell to this marital source,
Happy Valentine's here's a divorce.
Also you snore like a horse.
Does that help any, Jude? I should write for Hallmark 🤣
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It's a leap year which means you get an extra day to roll your eyes at my questionable humor
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Only B&W.
Your turn. Can stop hassling me now.
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Then don't wear a skirt or a dress, bruh. This "pooch" is often the normal postpartum result of giving birth to many of your breed of shallow, oxygen-thieving MFs 🤷♀️
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I don't even care what journey we take, as long as you are with me for the ride ♡
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Excuse me, is this seat taken?
*gestures at his beard
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My challenge for you today is to try not being so hard on yourself. I'm giving you the day off.
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The difference is:
I would never hurt you.
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Hey (with the intention of having you for breakfast in bed, and then making you breakfast in bed) 🖤
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I'm told it's Thighsday. So if you like chicken, here's some thighs. Hm. They're missing something... 🤔
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To be yours.
Not just for a day.
For a lifetime.
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Broken crayons still color;
A bruised soul still shines.
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People say it all the time, when someone dies: hug your people, keep them close, cos you never know when they'll go
THIS is why I shamelessly tell people all the time I love em while they're alive. I don't wait for maybes or laters. I seize the now. I'm nothing if not persistent
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This is a coffee tweet. Because no one ever posts about coffee on here...
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No one's perfect. Even if your tits are.
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The female catcher cops one "right in the roast beef sandwich!" 👀🤣 The commentary on this is absolute gold!
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Would you still do that thing that I like, if I laughed like Fran Drescher during sex?
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The feminine urge to wrap you in a tangle of arms, and legs, and just hold you forever. Telling you softly, it's all okay. And by doing so, making it true. That's my superpower.
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Let's get weird together.
And maybe naked...
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The feminine urge to
suffocate him with my boobs
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Even horse-sized dogs get whiny at bath time. I'm guessing he weighs the same as a two-door hatchback. TL cleanse
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Pretty much the past few months have been Blursdays, not that I'm counting.
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I intend to show you
the kind of fucking love
you never knew existed.
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Sometimes we lose ourselves
Only to find who we really are
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The socks stay on during sex
The socks:
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Just know that when you're being mean to me online, this is who you're being mean to
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Overly dramatic B&W selfie.
RT & QT yours! Or bite me.
*rare face pic, with ½ wet bedhead and eyebags 😏 Can prob stop requesting TL face pix, surely we've hit the quota for at least a good 6mo right?
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The socks stay on during sex
The socks:
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Don't skimp on lots of butt spanks, and butt rubs on Sundays. No it's or butts.
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If you hate today, just remember; there's always tomorrow. Which, ironically, never comes. And then you die. The end.
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If you can't laugh at yourself, call me. I'll happily help out, and do it for you.
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Sundays were designed for us to indulge in the sweetest sins...
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Critical Thinking and Common Sense should both be added to the endangered species list.
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