Mike F
@DeputyWarlock
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if i ever found out a mouse lived in my home, and he had a small archway in the wall, and he lived in there with small, real furniture, and he ventured out nightly to get one olive or a small wedge of cheese. i would stop at nothing to end his life. i would spare no expense.
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My sister made mimosas with little round orange juice ice cubes and it looks like a cup of raw eggs
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my boss is so stupid, i lie to him constantly and he never figures it out. i'll be like "no problem" "sounds good" "no worries" "you got it" "no sweat" meanwhile it is a huge problem, it sounds like shit, he should be worried, he does not have it, and i am frequently sweating.
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theres a line in that new tim allen santa clause show, where they say they cant bring the reindeer to brooklyn, because the hipsters will put fedoras on them. the show came out just recently in november of 2022.
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summer is the season for eating clearly defined shapes. hamburger. hot dog. pizza. winter is primarily for foods you couldnt hang on the wall. stews and casseroles. autumn is a transitional period because you have big turkey leg but also stuffing.
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Love to have nice conversations with people and find out what they're into
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It would have been funnier if the dune popcorn bucket was a black cube that makes you feel intense pain when you put your hand in it, and if you take your hand out an amc employee kills you.
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I guess you're supposed to sweat through it but this would be a great shirt for a fat guy to wear in the pool
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just landed a sweet new gig. im helping dracula buy a house. and before you ask the answer is yes. i can eat as many bugs as i want.
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starting to cook poultry to 163 instead of 165 until i build up an immunity. then i will continue going lower and lower, a couple degrees at a time. until i can safely eat it right out of the freezer.
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When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there's no need to malign the ass in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous.
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@d_boeckner teachers and parents are scum. no one will make us bathe or complete book reports.
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Gigantic 2 mile long sandworm traversing vast stretch of desert: oh my god is that 4 dudes. This is just the satisfying meal I need for my big body.
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You know when you're starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man.
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You gotta check out Scooby Doo. The main guy is this dog who's really scared the whole time, but heres the twist: no matter how scared he is, he's always more hungry than scared.
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Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink.Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea.Palmer: Mm. its good. I just invented it.
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I don't like to say "bless you" when someone sneezes because I don't know if they're religious or not. So instead I just say "I hope you never do that again".
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Ah man I'd love to come to your barbecue but I'm not hungry that weekend.
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dude last night was crazy. we were all smiles. we lit up the room.
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From that Neil gaiman article. Like he's a monster etc but that collection sounds insanely vast and eclectic. What kind of erudite bookworm scholar would have spider man and also a regular book
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its funny that like 50 years ago roger waters was like "every member of this band sucks but me" and he turned out to be correct. admirable clarity of vision.
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I watched that new bob dylan movie. and there was so many times where a guy was introduced by his full name and never spoken to again. like "hey im here to play guitar! im al kooper!" "we already have a guitarist named mike bloomfield! would you care to play an iconic organ riff".
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just imagined a phone game where you swipe grapes into a dogs mouth. you get one point for every grape the dog eats. the game is for children ideally, but adults love it too.
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cutting a bread bowl like its a pie and taking a slice while the soup spills all over the table.
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its cool that the pandemic is happening a second time and this round i get to play through as an anti mask guy and unlock new easter eggs.
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Filling the bottom rack of the dishwasher with cornish game hens, filling the top rack with boil-in-bag vegetables, putting a few bouillon cubes in the detergent compartment and putting it on the power dinner cycle.
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Make a 20-track comp of your all-time fav tracks, each artist can only feature once. Not the 'best' songs, the ones that bring instant joy the second you hear the first note, the ones that give other people the best insight into what stirs your soul. Share when ready. #20tracks.
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after JFK's assassination, Jackie Kennedy declined to remove her blood stained clothing, saying "let them see what they have done" which was a fair point; the assassin may have thought he had just killed the president and been unaware he ruined everyone's clothes in the whole car.
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if i sleep for 12 hours in a row one night, i should get to stay up for 2 days in a row without getting tired. and i should get 250 dollars each time i do it.
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"oh we're so small and insignificant in the universe" - guy who lives on the planet that has won every superbowl ever, and gotten best picture at the oscars every year.
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It is NEVER ok to abandon your pet to a shelter. If you don't want to take care of it anymore, just cook it into a stew, or a chili.
what is an opinion you have about owning pets that will have you like this?
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me seeing my neighbor on his balcony: hey how's it going man.my neighbor firing a mutazoidal ray at me that morphs me into a slug: my slug ray is finally complete you piece of shit.
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Weed before liquor makes you run quicker, liquor before weed increases your speed.
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Tip: if you're googling the solution to a problem, add "reddit" to the search inquiry to find out what an even stupider dickhead would do in your situation.
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this man had books on books on books. so many you couldnt count. he had comics he got when he was 12, and a book he got as a gift when he was 13. need i go on?.
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there should be a movie like children of the corn where a guy goes to a town run by evil children and just single handedly whips the piss out of them when they try to kill him. just absolutely paints their wagons. atomic wedgies etc. its ok because the kids are evil in the movie.
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Thinking about my boy Gandalf 17 years old and looking incredible in his sweater
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Me waving at my neighbor: hey buddy how's it going.my neighbor driving over me in his ford F-450 it goes completely over me the undercarriage is like 2 inches above my head, he throws a full beer can out the window at me: hey Mike im gonna kill you on my way home later.
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It's funny when guys are like "if you wear a safety vest and carry a clipboard you can get in pretty much anywhere 😏" cause it only applies to places you wouldn't want to get into like a hotel loading dock or an employee bathrom. You couldn't get into like, a movie.
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(approaching the drummer at the bar after a show) hey man you were really fast up there tonight. with the (doing air drums at him) you were fuckin, speedy gonzales up there man. some quick little mitts on you huh.
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Corn mazes are so stupid. Duhh let me use these vegetables to create a difficult situation for myself. Maybe later I can try to escape a potato sack or lose my keys in a giant salad.
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Oh a dollar on the street? thats some quick cash for yours truly. Oh it keeps getting a little further away like its on some kind of invisible string. No problem i'll just follow it until it stops. then its dollarsville for me baby.
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Me and the squad at the skate park with no boards.
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@dril Thoughtlessly wrote "Nuts" on the chalkboard and my foremost teachers pet took back the apple he had gifted me that morning.
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if i was the killer i would have been found at Subway with a reverse manifesto proclaiming my innocence. and a device that attaches to a gun to make it louder.
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Castle Freak is such a perfect movie because as soon as you hear the title you know theres a castle, and theres a freak in it. and if you want to see that type of thing you got a safe bet on your hands. Most other movie titles ask the viewer to take a much bigger risk.
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RIP val kilmer. i watched batman forever so many times as a young boy that my parents took the tape and hid it from me.
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They say it is a poor workman who blames his tools, but it's an even worse workman who makes these shitty ass tools I have.
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(picture of huge pale brown shape) it's time for twelve pounds of Hog Ass to go in the smoker boys (14 hours later picture of a smaller dark brown shape) oh you boys know how fucking good this looks!!.
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I hate it when a recipe tells me to use a "handful" of fresh cilantro or parsley or whatever. Like dog do you know how much I can grab at once? I guarantee it's more than the right amount.
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coworker brought his grandson in today to do some work, and then just left. then like halfway through the day i get a call that i have to go outside because the boy has somehow accidentally locked himself in a hot car. when i opened it he said "i thought i was gonna die in there".
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Thinking about a movie where a kid finds an old leather baseball glove that makes him insanely good at baseball, and he finds out its made of Babe Ruth's skin.
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Damn these edibles are like my dad's cousin. I bite into them at a small get together and 90 minutes later they hit me way harder than I would think would be reasonable.
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The packaging on crackers is always funny to me, where they show their brand of cracker with a bunch of really fancy stuff on it. Like "want a simple delicious snack? How about you make some good food, and then slide one of our little piece of shits under it? You're welcome".
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hey man im sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. why don't you just say four or five things to me real quick and i'll try and agree with at least three of them.
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@ByYourLogic say what you will about the race that was run, but i walk away today with a belly full of quartered orange and a hand full of high five.
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@i_zzzzzz as i conducted my morning routine of basement-bound descent, pursuing my hand in its wild trek down the bannister,.
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i will never report the details of my operating system's malfunctions to the manufacturer in order to help improve performance. my computer is a loyal friend and im not going to rat it out for making a mistake.
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so pumped on that new zelda. cant wait to help this elf solve a problem at some kind of church in the woods for 200 hours.
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RIP to the union guys who fought for the 8 hour work day and the 5 day work week. If it was me i would have made it 6 and 4. and i would have doubled the pay. But nice try guys.
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European: i bet you don't even know how many countries are in Europe .American: we have an area 1.5x the size of Europe that we just use to store corn we're not planning to eat, three of my cousins went four wheeling there and drowned in the corn, it wasn't even on the news.
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I think my favorite "shocking fact" meme is that the Appalachian mountains are old. Like I assumed that already. There is no amount of old a mountain could be that would surprise me.
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Crashing a u haul into a tree, then renting a second u haul with a fake ID and backing it into the first one at full speed and switching the plates to make it look like the fake guy rear ended me.
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It's cool being friends with one of the two neon guys in the city
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next super bowl half time show should be a supergroup of all the greatest living musicians performing a medley of all time classics. im talking ringo starr, frankie valli, pat boone, yoko ono. performing happy birthday, the star spangled banner, wheels on the bus, old macdonald.
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if something is going "at a snail's pace" that means it's going as fast as it possibly can. which is what snails are doing at all times.
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guy in crowd: Joan!.second guy in crowd: Ms. Baez!.3rd guy in crowd: that's Joan Baez the famous singer.
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trader joes cashier bagging my items: oh these cookies are soo good. i LOVE them. i get them all the time and i just eat them up!.me: fine. fucking just take them, theyre yours. cookie ass motherfucker.
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Im a total bathroom addict. You can always find me relieving myself. I never "have to" go I want to go. 'Throom to the tomb baby. I go in there to win there.
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the alamo drafthouse is great because if you get bored during the movie, you can call someone to your seat and switch from watching the movie to navigating a sort of wet meal in the dark.
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Submitting these to the patent office now, hope I'm not too late
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we shot 650 hours and 97% of it went directly in the trash. so yeah i think you KNOW this is gonna knock your little socks off baby.
The Duffer Brothers say that the final season of ‘STRANGER THINGS’ is like “8 blockbuster movies”. “We had captured over 650 hours of footage. So, needless to say, this is our biggest and most ambitious season yet”
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man imagine being an ancient egyptian and showing up to work on monday your boss describes like the biggest triangle you ever heard of and says if you dont build it hes gonna kill you. at that point you're just like "great im getting killed by my boss now i guess".
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Always praise in public and criticize in private. if your waiter does a bad job, leave a 25% tip, but follow him into the kitchen and try to put his finger on the grill for a couple seconds.
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people say the most fucked up part of the matrix is when neil and infinity kill all those security guards. but the part that keeps me up at night is when that leukemia kid says there is no spoon, but there is 100% a spoon fully visible in the scene. why did he say that.
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synesthesia is an extremely rare and fascinating condition that certain people love to pretend to have. symptoms include having to go to the doctors office because you accidentally thought of two things at once.
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You been listening to music? That new album is sick. I especially liked the bangers on it.
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Judge: now wait a second Mike. If the other players were hacking, wouldn't that make their kills on you unfair?.Me: that's right your honor.
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you know you're getting old when you start to see people who you graduated high school with and they have kids that are your age.
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What's the most iconic example of a pickled food you can think of?. I'll go first: . regular pickles
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RIP to Gandalf, gonna miss you old man.
Thinking about my boy Gandalf 17 years old and looking incredible in his sweater
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Referring to anything where I have to show up on time as a "byzantine system".
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The sun is the local newspaper. But I like how this sign sounds like the hospital is run by some kind of Sun Cult
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thinking about an assassin assembling his sniper rifle out of a briefcase and when he looks at his victim he notices the guy has a big ass head so he takes like 3 or 4 pieces off of the gun cause hes made it too accurate for this large head.
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Dave Chappelle for your crime of turning into a shitty old man, you are sentenced to do your most hated activity: wearing one (1) dress.
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took the day off work to take care of my dying cat, she died before i got up. still got the day off at least. RIP Layla.
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moron: ohh my dog is probably just barking at you because he smells another dog on you.me: I don't smell like a dog you piece of shit. he's barking at me because I'm intentionally putting out bad, nasty vibes towards him. I'm freaking him out on purpose with my negative attitude.
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Just saw a huge rat get absolutely juiced by a street sweeper. Made my day a lot worse.
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