Today I Learned: That Ronaldinho is not simply a Wario like alter ego for Cristiano Ronaldo.

In these troubling times, let’s not forget that what’s important is that Arby’s technically owns no slaves. Please continue to eat Arby’s.

Only a few more hours and we can find out what a marijuana tastes like, by smoking it like a cigarette!!!

You’re older than you’ve ever been, younger than you’ll ever be again, and you’re also a pointless biological accident in an entropic void and your sentience literally has zero significance Eat Arby’s

Found my container of extra hydrating eye drops and said "oh no, that's much too powerful for me" ...When did I become a fragile old man?

Vegas: Ya just give us spare parts and we'll make it to the Cup Edm: Endless 1st overall picks and the best player in the world, 23rd....

I watched Infinity War for the 2nd time today and made a startling discovery: I am the Thanos of houseplants!

I’ve said this many times before. We should all be watching Aussie politics religiously

I walked past a homeless guy and he said, "you ever try turkey sandwich?" and when I answered yes then he said, "thought so, bitch." Frankly it was a pretty spectacular own, and I respect him more than any of you.

This might be the single best #SuperBowl halftime show I've ever seen a performer sleepwalk through.

Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs https://t.co/W8uuuSIqbW

I reduced my sugar intake last year by about 80%, and I'm proud to report that 2017 was the safest year for commercial airline travel in history. You're welcome.

Dear US, Your Federal Voting Assistance Program logo looks like it says FAP. gov Sincerely, Concerned Canadian

Bad News Everyone Since we never had a year 0, we are technically just about to enter our 2017th year. We gotta do this shit all over again!

Mom: How was sleeping in the basement? It looks like the furnace broke yesterday. Me: .......That's why I was dreaming about ice fishing!!!

This year for Halloween I’m giving out Canadian passports.

The only way Trump will pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey is if it promises to do the same for him in a few months.

I like to practice "reverse deadpan comedy". That's where I enthusiastically tell a joke, and get no reaction from the listener.

"Halloween" is western ritual day on which beleaguered peasants surrender food to masked terrorists in return for one year of peace.