Cooper Lawrence
@CooperLawrence
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12,777
Following
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Media
5,179
Statuses
26,184
Multiple Gracie Award Winning Radio Host, TV chick @sunriseon7 , Published Author, Irritant. Listen to me @CBSNewsRadio
USA
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
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Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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Of all the "Where is Kate Middleton?" conspiracy theories, "she's Banksy" is my favorite
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Me: Do you think the cars with the eyelashes are flirting with the trucks with the nuts?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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Me (who holds like 400 grudges a day): “you should really learn to let things go”
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I had a yogurt for breakfast because we were out of pancake mix. This’ll be a fitness account now
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
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$600 sounds like a lot of money until you see that my local radio station is giving away $1000 just for being the tenth caller
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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My dentist told me I grind my teeth when I sleep and I was like shit, am I NEVER chill??
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My toxic trait is watching TV then having to rewind the part I missed because I was on my phone only to rewind again because I was on my phone
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I used my boyfriend’s deodorant and now I can’t close any of the cabinets in the kitchen
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ME: Clean the kitchen please
BOYFRIEND: Maybe later
ME: *Elizabeth Holmes voice*
CLEAN THE KITCHEN PLEASE
[boyfriend grabs sponge and 409]
#TheInventor
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The summer is going to have to deal with whatever body I give it
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren't speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
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I loved being a waitress when people would say “my compliments to the chef” and I’d be like that’s just Kevin reheating premade burritos in the microwave but I’ll tell the Toshiba you say ‘hey’
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I’m officially old. I fell in the snow today but instead of laughing at me, a teenager ran over to ask if I was ok.
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My boyfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said “this isn’t working” but I don’t know what he’s talking about, it works just fine
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DEVELOPING: helicopter crashed into a building in Midtown Manhattan at 51st and 7th. Here is footage of the helicopter flying erratically before the crash (via
@ThingsWendySees
)
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
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When I was a kid I used to pretend to be invisible not realizing all I had to do was turn 45
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Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"? I have an important work email I have to send.
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I’m “holding my phone in my hand wondering where I left my phone” tired
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Let me get this straight...the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf?
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The Hilaria Baldwin drama reminds me of that time Madonna went to London for a week and came back with an English accent
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Sorry
#Larry
,
@Harry_Styles
just confirmed to us
@1061BLI
that
#SweetCreature
is NOT about
@Louis_Tomlinson
-
@CooperLawrence
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”
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Toys R Us is trending but where my New Yorkers at?
RIP Nobody Beats The Wiz (1977-2003)
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People are fighting over who was a better movie duo Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston or Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.
I say ditch Sandler and make this movie immediately:
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Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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Before my PhD: “I have no clue”
After my PhD: “I have no clue but I have better resources to look it up”
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“Here’s that photo of my family in matching pajamas you didn’t like on Instagram”
-Christmas cards
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My mom talks about this magical time in the 80s before email when she would get home from work and she was done with work. For like the whole night. Wild.
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The FB emojis are what happens when you have one piece of cake, then a second and finally the whole cake.
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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@OhNoSheTwitnt
Ironically, I have died on that Six Feet Under hill many times. That finale was EVERYTHING
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just watched a zoomer on tiktok be like "oh. my. gawd. have you guys ever had this?" and it was cottage cheese
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When they give us the Netflix docuseries of the Hilaria Baldwin story I hope they include this tweet
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Forget girl math, "girl gas" is when I hand the guy my credit card and don't look so gas is free
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I'm always nice to cashiers but I'm even nicer to the self-checkout so I'm remembered fondly during the robot uprising
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Khloe Kardashian admonishing unrealistic beauty standards while continuing to be part of the machine that sets them:
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Normalize fashion shoots that show what the outfit would look like if you were pooping in the woods
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Our family crest is two people eating tacos over a sink in the kitchen so the dog won't see
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Friend: my kid won’t eat hamburgers anymore. What a good replacement?
Me: A dog. Dogs will always eat hamburgers
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Can't. Just heard Nine Inch Nails on an oldies station. Please respect my privacy at this time
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Me: I just read the best book!
Boyfriend: you didn’t read, you LISTENED to a book
Me: same thing
Boyfriend: would you go to a brain surgeon who LISTENED to his medical text books?
Me: ᴵ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵃ ᵇᵒᵒᵏ
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.
@idriselba
just made
#SAGAwards
history by being the first actor to win two awards in one night.
#Luther
#Beasts
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When I say I’m “up for anything” I mean nothing before noon, no more than 10 blocks from my apartment and if it’s too hot there I’m just gonna go home and eat cereal on my couch
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I wanted cupcakes for breakfast so I checked my drivers license which said I was an adult so I had cupcakes for breakfast
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Buying my pants from the same place I buy a 48 pack of AA batteries and a pallet of toilet paper. This is where I’m at in life now
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Me: sorry I’m late I broke down on the way over here
Friend: I didn’t realize you had a car
Me: I don’t
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My boyfriend and I just had an entire conversation about “hair bands” before I realized he was talking about Motley Crue and I was talking about scrunchies. Relationships are wild.
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Instagram: look how pretty I am
Twitter: look how funny I am
TikTok: look how dancy I am
Facebook: your account has been hacked you sell bitcoin now
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It's always Scooby Doo where are you and never Scooby Doo how are you.
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Boyfriend: I’d rather have Chinese food than pizza
Me: *then
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Hilaria: “I always said I was from Boston”
Alec Baldwin: “My wife is from Spain”
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I can’t decide what was cooler. Winning a
#GracieAward
or watching
@AprilDRyan
present. Man, she’s charming!
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My dog knows like 20 human words and I know like zero dog barks...remind me again which one of us is supposed to be in charge?
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If you’re feeling depressed my mother would like you to know that you just need to eat more protein.
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While we were all watching the
#GoldenGIobes
,
@TheSimpsons
ended tonight's episode with this:
http://t.co/7wq9ik4bkW
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Why do grocery stores waste money on ads? You’re food. You’ve got us.
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Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line
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"Hi...yes, I'll take 25 likes, 6 RTs and one man explaining my joke back to me"
-Me logging in to Twitter
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One roll of toilet paper hidden from anyone under 40.
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Them: you’ll understand when you’re older
Me, older: I don’t get any of this crap
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We throw around the word "hero" quite a bit, but Detective Joe Seals, who was shot and killed today in a Jersey City shootout was truly brave.
In 2008 he burst through a window to save a woman from a rapist. Read about the 39yr old father of 5 here:
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How spiteful am I? When I was a kid my mom said, “you’ll understand when you have your own kids” and then I never had them
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This gorgeous woman joins us on the
@CooperLawrence
Show Wednesday morning!
@1061BLI
@ladygaga
#PERFECTILLUSION
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Upped my sex game by beeping when I’m done like every modern appliance in my kitchen
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My dog is laying on his memory foam bed wearing a sweater my mom knit for him watching a documentary about how dogs evolved from wolves
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My 5yo niece is playing “real” doctor and made me her nurse so we asked my brother to fill out a 50 page questionnaire and then we asked him all the same questions when he came into our office
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Announcer: And the
#GoldenGlobe
goes to Brian Cox
Brian Cox: is Jason Momoa wearing a tank top?
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Avoid any man with the phases of the Moon on his watch. Only a werewolf needs that information.
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I envy young ladies today. When they dump a guy they can just delete the photo. We had to tear it up, burn it and run over it with our cars.
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Jerry Hall announced she's engaged to Rupert Murdoch because 84 year old billionaires are the new Birkin bag.
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It’s my friend’s 40th birthday so he wanted a Creed cover band but it was too expensive so he had to get Creed instead.
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Drunk shopping on Amazon is great because unexpected packages show up and then voila! it’s like you’re your own secret Santa
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Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond but also make a waffle
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My boyfriend from work: "I'm bored. Text me something dirty"
Me: *Sends him photos of the way he left the dining room table this morning*
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