Cooper Lawrence
@CooperLawrence
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Multiple Gracie Award Winning Radio Host, TV chick @sunriseon7, Published Author, Irritant. Listen to me @CBSNewsRadio
Joined February 2009
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough.
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Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait.
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Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.
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New mom: any advice?. Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps . Mom 2: eat when the baby eats . Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email.
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life. I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”. What a weirdo.
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Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now.
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Of all the "Where is Kate Middleton?" conspiracy theories, "she's Banksy" is my favorite.
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Me: Do you think the cars with the eyelashes are flirting with the trucks with the nuts?. Interviewer: I meant questions about the company.
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Friend: any plans for the fall?. Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?.
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Me (who holds like 400 grudges a day): “you should really learn to let things go”.
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I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her.
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I had a yogurt for breakfast because we were out of pancake mix. This’ll be a fitness account now.
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This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too.
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Friend: how tall are you? . Me: 5’3” but I have the rage of someone much, much taller.
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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If by “rizz” you mean “rizzentment” then yeah, I’ve got tons of that.
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My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?.
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$600 sounds like a lot of money until you see that my local radio station is giving away $1000 just for being the tenth caller.
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For a woman who let us ride in the bed of a pickup truck and photographed us as infants holding lit cigarettes, my mom sure has a lot of opinions about the way you guys parent.
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours.
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My dentist told me I grind my teeth when I sleep and I was like shit, am I NEVER chill??.
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My toxic trait is watching TV then having to rewind the part I missed because I was on my phone only to rewind again because I was on my phone.
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Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”.Thanks, but I’ll do my own research.
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I used my boyfriend’s deodorant and now I can’t close any of the cabinets in the kitchen.
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Costco sells sweatpants because they understand you’re eating that three- pound jar of M&Ms on your own.
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The summer is going to have to deal with whatever body I give it.
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ME: Clean the kitchen please . BOYFRIEND: Maybe later. ME: *Elizabeth Holmes voice* .CLEAN THE KITCHEN PLEASE . [boyfriend grabs sponge and 409].#TheInventor.
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I wish I cared about anything as much as Google cares about how many devices I’ve logged into.
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Me: I prefer the natural look . Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products.
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Just watched a seagull steal French fries then scream at another Seagull for no reason and I’ve never felt more connected to nature.
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I wish I loved anything as much as my dad loves telling me that the GPS said he was going to be somewhere at 1:17 but he was there at 1:14.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren't speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other . I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is.
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Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012.
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I loved being a waitress when people would say “my compliments to the chef” and I’d be like that’s just Kevin reheating premade burritos in the microwave but I’ll tell the Toshiba you say ‘hey’.
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I’m officially old. I fell in the snow today but instead of laughing at me, a teenager ran over to ask if I was ok.
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DEVELOPING: helicopter crashed into a building in Midtown Manhattan at 51st and 7th. Here is footage of the helicopter flying erratically before the crash (via @ThingsWendySees)
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My boyfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said “this isn’t working” but I don’t know what he’s talking about, it works just fine.
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My entire life flashed before my eyes and it was mostly me just doing laundry then wondering what to have for dinner.
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history.
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When I was a kid I used to pretend to be invisible not realizing all I had to do was turn 45.
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Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”.
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We left the tyranny of the British so we could enjoy the subtle humor of their nonthreatening baking shows 248 years later.
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Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"? I have an important work email I have to send.
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I’m “holding my phone in my hand wondering where I left my phone” tired.
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Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should.
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Friend: my kid won’t eat hamburgers anymore. What a good replacement?. Me: A dog. Dogs will always eat hamburgers.
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My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here . Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird.
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The Hilaria Baldwin drama reminds me of that time Madonna went to London for a week and came back with an English accent
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Me: I’m older and wider. Them: don’t you mean “wiser”. Me: nope.
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Let me get this straight. the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf?.
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Sorry #Larry, @Harry_Styles just confirmed to us @1061BLI that #SweetCreature is NOT about @Louis_Tomlinson -@CooperLawrence
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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Them: “read the room”. Me: ugh, is there an audiobook version?.
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Toys R Us is trending but where my New Yorkers at? .RIP Nobody Beats The Wiz (1977-2003)
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People are fighting over who was a better movie duo Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston or Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I say ditch Sandler and make this movie immediately:
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Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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Before my PhD: “I have no clue”. After my PhD: “I have no clue but I have better resources to look it up”.
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“Here’s that photo of my family in matching pajamas you didn’t like on Instagram”. -Christmas cards.
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My mom talks about this magical time in the 80s before email when she would get home from work and she was done with work. For like the whole night. Wild.
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I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”.
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My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”.
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The FB emojis are what happens when you have one piece of cake, then a second and finally the whole cake.
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The worst part about working from home is that your real husband is also your work husband.
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?. Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt Ironically, I have died on that Six Feet Under hill many times. That finale was EVERYTHING
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just watched a zoomer on tiktok be like "oh. my. gawd. have you guys ever had this?" and it was cottage cheese.
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When they give us the Netflix docuseries of the Hilaria Baldwin story I hope they include this tweet
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Forget girl math, "girl gas" is when I hand the guy my credit card and don't look so gas is free.
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I'm always nice to cashiers but I'm even nicer to the self-checkout so I'm remembered fondly during the robot uprising.
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Me as a therapist:. Have you tried eating mozzarella sticks about it?.
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Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom. -Jurassic period Grindr.
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Dogs are amazing. They can tell when you’re sad, when you’re sick, when you’re cooking bacon….
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Me: oh look, a paper email . Boyfriend: that’s a letter.
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Khloe Kardashian admonishing unrealistic beauty standards while continuing to be part of the machine that sets them:
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Our family crest is two people eating tacos over a sink in the kitchen so the dog won't see.
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Normalize fashion shoots that show what the outfit would look like if you were pooping in the woods
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Me: I got a juicer and I’m losing weight . Friend: from drinking juice?. Me: no, from cleaning the juicer.
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I hope this email finds you in a car on your way here. You’re an hour fucking late.
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