mariana Z
@mariana057
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Following
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Statuses
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I’m not a comedian, but I joke a lot. I steal the good jokes. Bad jokes are mine. Resist. NO DMS. 🌊🌊
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Joined July 2008
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Pinned Tweet
If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
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My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet…
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As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season....
I would LOVE you to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
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HEY WALMART, DON'T GET PISSED AT ME IF I FORGOT TO SCAN SOMETHING.
YOU LITERALLY GAVE ME ZERO TRAINING BEFORE MAKING ME A CASHIER.
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I've just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
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I found $20 laying in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?”
So, I turned it into wine.
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I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s.
I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…
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Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.
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I asked my daughter to give me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone. So, now the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken & my daughter is furious…
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FYI: It's no longer "box wine"
The classy term is "cardboardeaux"
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Cooking for 3 hours just to eat for 15 minutes, is the biggest scam in the world.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
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If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
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Does anyone else tell their pets, "I'll be back soon," when they leave the house?
Just me?
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Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.
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The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
...is sphere itself.
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My 75-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."
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My twin sister called me from prison.
She said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.
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It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.
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When I was young, I was poor. After years of hard work...I am no longer young.
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My boyfriend said he’d leave me if I don’t support Trump.... I said ok, Bi den...
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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My wife and I have decided we don't want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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I saw a guy in Starbucks. No cellphone, no tablet, no earphones, no laptop. He just sat there. Drinking coffee. Like a psychopath.
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What did the police at the oscars find when they dusted Chris Rock's face?
Fresh Prints…
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I was today years old when I found out that if you hold down the 0 button/key you get the ° degree sign!
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I watched a documentary on weed last night. I think that’s how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on…
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Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
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I was today years old when I found out that if you hold down the 0 button/key you get the ° degree sign!
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That last tooth brushing before heading to the dentist is the adult version of cramming for finals.
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Elon Musk bought twitter for $43 Billion.
Didn’t he know that he could download it for free from the App Store??
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of worcestershire sauce?
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Cassette tapes had an A side and a B side, so it makes sense that their successor would be the CD.
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My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet…
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How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1: Use fucking commas…
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I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their.........from now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would've done it, but he's out of town.
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Raise your hand if you know what this means. Don’t say it....🙋♀️
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QUICK QUESTION:
Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"
It's for a work email, so has to sound
professional.
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When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted...
turns out that's 9 pm.
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Parenting is buying 6 yogurts and watching them all get eaten In one day.
Then buying 12 yogurts and watching them expire because, “Nobody likes yogurt.”
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Which wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought??
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Wife: OK. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.
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Today I found a twenty dollar bill on the ground.
As I went to walk away with it I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So, I went to a store and turned it into wine…
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What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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How old were you when you realized that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m mad”?
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.
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I asked my daughter to give me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone.
So, now the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken & my daughter is furious…
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Sometimes I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, I realize they’re just regular donuts…
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I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
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If you lose your Khakis in Texas, it means you can't find your pants.
If you lose your Khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car…
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Milli Vanilli just announced that they’re pulling someone else’s music from Spotify…
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
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Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot...
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Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.
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I've just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
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If you feel like you're behind in life, just remember: Matt Gaetz didn't get a high school girlfriend until he was almost 40.....
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Changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
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If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" does that make men's underwear an "under the butt nut hut"?
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The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral…
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I got carded at the liquor store & my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said,"Never mind."
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes..
The difference is Staggering
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Apparently, there is a Patron Saint of copying people on an email.
It's St. Francis of a CC…
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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That moment when you drive your Chevy to the levy and the levy isn’t dry.
This is what happens when you drink whiskey and rye.
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I took some Ivermectin yesterday.
The Dr. says I'm in stable condition.
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I found $20 in the parking lot. I thought to myself, what would Jesus do??? So, I turned it into wine.... I’ll see myself out..
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Did you know, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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I've finally decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm OK with that.
After all, 7 lbs. 4oz. is just not realistic!
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
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Anti-vaxxers who ingest horse dewormer Ivermectin, shall hereby be referred to as neighsayers.
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Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
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What's the difference between the Circus and the Kardashians?
The Circus features a cunning array of stunts…
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