Author Abby Jimenez
@AuthorAbbyJim
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15,084
Following
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Media
815
Statuses
8,946
Food Network Winner @nadiacakes , NYT Best Selling Author, mother of Tik Tok famous dogs Tess and Stuntman Mike ❤
Minneapolis, MN
Joined August 2017
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Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really? He's best friends with a ball???
Me during quarantine: Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch
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"I thought u said u were writing today" my husband says from behind me
I whirl in the pantry clutching a bag of chips, a Twizzler dangling from my mouth "I am. This is part of it."
"You...you have a whole loaf of French bread tucked under your arm."
"It's part of it" I whisper
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I don't even know how I'm typing this because I'm crying and my hands are shaking so badly. My editor just called me.
The Friend Zone is a USA Today Best Seller. It's an INSTANT best seller. I am a best selling author, with my debut novel in its very first week
@readforeverpub
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Husbands: I can't find it! I looked everywhere!
Female narrator: He did not look everywhere
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You know what Twitter really needs? A troll account that only replies with quotes from The Princess Bride.
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means"
"You have 6 fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you"
"Anybody want a peanut?"
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Do I have a perfect body? No.
But do I work hard to be healthy and make good food choices?
Also no.
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My husband (the extrovert) and I (the introvert) got separated on our flight. We're in middle seats in the same row.
I've already apologized to the people sitting next to me like 7 times. My husband is sharing beef jerky with strangers and I think he's now in someone's wedding.
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OMG STOP. I can't get anything done with this dog around here.
@Starbucks
Stuntman Mike is available.
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Me: So what are u doing?
My 12 year old: photoshopping Waldo out of a Where's Waldo picture to send to my friends
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I can finally announce this!! Thruline Entertainment (The Great on Hulu), with two-time Primetime Emmy winner director Gail Mancuso and writer Marisa Coughlin to develop the movie for The Happy Ever After Playlist!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
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STRANGER: Hey, is that guy bothering you?
ME: Yeah, but he's my husband so I signed up for this.
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It's sort of hard to feel like celebrating with everything going on but I worked hard and this is a big one. I've been offered another 3 book deal with
@readforeverpub
!!!!
Thank you to all my readers! This wouldn't be possible without you guys ❤❤❤
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Um.... guys? I'm going to throw up. I just made the NYT Best Seller list.
TWICE.
I'M A NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLING AUTHOR!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for loving these books!!!!! 😭❤💜🧡💚❤💛😭😭
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Ladies, if we all commit to doing a kegel every time we get one of those company COVID-19 update emails, we'll be able to snap a man in half with our pelvic floor in under two weeks.
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@calebsaysthings
I realized after doing heat yoga that if I had to escape a steaming Amazon jungle using only my balance and core muscles, I'd be dead in under an hour.
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(Me, missing)
My husband: She'd never go with a stranger. Never.
Police: Video footage of the parking lot suggests the suspect had a baby goat in the windowless white van.
Husband: Oh my God, no
Police: It was wearing pajamas
Husband: noooooooo
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My husband: I know you're introverted and you get super nervous when you meet new people, but please for the love of God don't start randomly talking about the ID Channel later at dinner like that one time.
Me, later at dinner: I like murder.
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I told the doctor today that my husband's gonna divorce me if I don't get something to make me stop coughing. She stopped typing and turned to me. "We don't have to treat it. I mean, do you like your husband? Because honestly, this could be your big chance to get rid of him." 😆
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don't have an introvert with them telling them it's time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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Just had a routine OBGYN visit. Everything looked good. Zero geodes.
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Exactly five years ago today I boarded a cruise ship and started writing The Happy Ever After Playlist on my cell phone. Now my 4th book is coming out, I'm a New York Times best seller, and they're making the Happy Ever After Playlist into a movie. Absolutely WILD.
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I'm sitting here listening to my husband order flowers for Valentine's Day. One big arrangement for me, three smaller bouquets for his daughters, and a single white rose FOR HIS HUNTING DOG TESS because, and I quote, "If she doesn't get anything, she won't understand." 😂😂😂
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A group of introverts is called an uncomfortable
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Cameraman at a wedding: Any tips for the young couple?
My husband: There's a wrong way to fold towels now, buddy.
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Someone was really rude to me online just now. I didn't respond. Instead I went into Mailchimp and quietly unsubscribed them from
@nadiacakes
so they won't get their free birthday cupcake email for their birthday next month 😂
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My publicist will probably kill me for this, but f*** it.
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My 15 year old wants permission to use certain cuss words and she's made a skit:
Hi, I'm your local Swears For Kids representative (crouches to pet dog). Have you ever felt like "shoot" and "darn" just aren't enough? Especially with the current state of the world?
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[My husband storming to the door after an argument]
Me: Where are u going?!
Him: I'm going to get a beer with Tim!
Me: Where?!
Him: Probably Tilly's!
Me: Bring me a burger!
Him (casts dark stare over his shoulder, one hand on the door knob): What kind of fries do you want?
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I haven't been in a Kohl's in...I've never been in a Kohl's.
They take Amazon returns now.
They put the return kiosk at the back of the store
They processed my return and then handed me a 25% off Kohl's coupon that I can use immediately
I've been in here shopping for 2 hours
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Husbands: Baby, I'll make dinner tonight. If you go get the ingredients, make the sides, season the meat, bring it to me outside and then help me find my tongs and spatula, I'll grill and you can just relax.
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Introverts, the upcoming months are going to be very hard on the extroverts in your life. Check on them. 😆
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You know your neighbors have a good sense of humor when 1: They own a lifesize velociraptor and 2: They push it up to their next door neighbor's window during the night.
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I will be leaving with my agent, Stacey. I'm deeply appreciative that Red Sofa Literary and Dawn Frederick took a chance on me as a debut author. I am saddened to have to make this difficult choice.
I resigned as an agent of Red Sofa Literary today. This was not a decision I made lightly but due to recent events, I felt I could not stay with the agency any longer.
Thank you to my authors for their support and I look forward to our next chapter.
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My Tik Tok from yesterday just hit 1 million views. My husband's like, "I don't get it. Why do they like it so much?"
"You waded into a lake in your clothes to bring me tacos. This is literally the most romantic thing I can think of and I write romance."
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My husband just texted me to tell me people I know are doing a fundraiser at the grocery store so I shouldn't go down there or I might have to small talk with them. This is a man who understands who he's married to.
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Day 1 of quarantine: I'm going to do yoga in the living room and eat healthy and work on strength training
Day 6 of quarantine: if you cut a donut in half you can use it as sandwich bread
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My kid had to make a painting for art class and they told her she could paint anything she wanted. She painted Micheal Scott from The Office as Prison Mike.
My work here is done.
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We're sitting on a chilly patio and my husband just ran 4 blocks back to the car to get me a sweater.
Me: Why'd you do that?
Husband: because I treat every date with you like a first date.
Me: Huh. Well I don't sleep with guys on the first date.
Husband: We'll see about that
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I placed a DoorDash order and within a minute of hitting send they called me to confirm that my high tip amount was correct. Yes, it's correct. Is this not normal? I mean, the guy's bringing me chicken strips during a pandemic, it seems fair lol
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I love masks. Am I mouthing the word asshole? Nobody knows
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Some guy cussed at my team. We took too long to run out his order (he didn't park in the curbside spots so we didn't know he was here) He said we're running a shit show. Buddy, there's a pandemic. Our cafes are closed and our
#1
selling cake rn is literally a roll of TP. So yes.
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I've got braces so I have to brush my teeth after I eat. I'm traveling so I have my electric toothbrush with me. I felt weird brushing my teeth in this busy bathroom so I went into a stall. I just realized what this must sound like and now I have to stay in here until I'm dead.
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Stuntman Mike got a new holiday sweater and now he looks like a handsome bachelor from a small town who's about to teach a big city girl the spirit of Christmas
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OMG STOP IT WITH THIS 😂 The hunting dog got her flowers and there's a card and everything. Look how happy she is 🤣🤣🤣
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I got tired of picking up the kid's crap so the husband grabbed a laundry basket, collected all their stuff, put it in an enormous pile on the landing of the stairs, and then killed everybody's WiFi until they put it away.
I'll be renewing my vows this anniversary.
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OMG. The Friend Zone just went into a 4th printing. What happened to the 3rd printing? They were in the middle of the 3rd round—and then Target called. Target placed a massive order... because TFZ is going to be in ALL Target locations starting 8/13, in their Best Seller section!
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I think my favorite thing about being a boss is walking into my shops unnannounced and realizing that nobody is nervous to see me because I'm not an asshole.
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ME: I have a girl's week coming up. I'll be gone for five days.
KIDS: *horrified* Who's going to take care of us???
ME: Your dad? Who lives here with us? And is sitting here in the same car?
—Dad, the other parent.
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My husband: I'm serious. If you say one more Princess Bride quote I'm getting rid of you AND your little dog
Me: Ha but how would you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We lived there quite happily for some time so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit
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I'm in New York this week and I'm working on a series called My Husband The Extrovert, Talking To Strangers. It's hundreds of photos of my husband talking to randos and me waiting until he's done.
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My daughter is doing that thing where she has to take care of a potato baby for a week. When it comes time to fill out that form for her teacher telling him how she did, I'm not lying for her, I just watched her trip and toss my grandbaby into the sink
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Why buy tomatoes at the store for $5 when for $20 I can buy a tomato plant and watch it die of neglect on my patio
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So I have a blood clot in my lung and it hurts. It's worse when I lay down so I told my husband I need to sleep sitting up tonight (our headboard elevates). I told him he should sleep in the guest room and he said no he's sleeping sitting up with me because we're in this together
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I'm really digging this thing where friends and delivery people leave things I want on my doorstep and then flee, let's always do this
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I can hear my kids making fun of me downstairs. They think I'm in the shower. Someone just sarcastically yelled "Yes you need to empty the dishwasher, no I dont care if it's your turn. Do it because I said so. I fund your whole lives, feed you, and keep all you bitches alive." 🤣
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Hey
@Facebook
I have a large verified page that I started and admined since 2009 for a company that I own. One of my admins was hacked and my admin status was removed. I have two "in progress" claims that I can't get a response on (1/2)
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My oldest kid bought like 2 dozen Cadbury eggs the other day with her chore money. Then this morning I caught my youngest kid cleaning oldest kid's room. The eggs are payment. She's paying her sister to be her personal attendant using Cadbury eggs as currency.
I'm not even mad.
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This morning middle kid slept in and missed her ride for a before school activity she wanted to do. She then demanded we get up and take her. My husband took her. I was annoyed because how's she gonna learn responsibility if we always bail her out?
Answer: He charged her $40 😂
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The media: You might be quarantined for weeks
Introverts: what, like it's hard?
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My kid goes "You know how grandma collects rocks? I wonder what kind of grandma you'll be."
Then I got a vision of me at 95 in a rocking chair, my great grandkids at my feet and I'm showing them screenshots like "And this is the time nana trolled DJ Khaled with that vagina cake"
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Oh my God I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE. So last night my husband took some Ex-lax. Then this morning some sh*t started giong down. Like literally. He looked at the packaging and realized that when it said to eat 1-2 squares it meant the tiny squares not an entire block
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OLDEST KID: Can I walk to the restaurant with my friends and get fries?
ME: Yup. Here's cash. Tip 20%
KID: Even if we get bad service?
ME: If you get bad service it's probably because teenagers go in there and don't tip. Tip 20% and change perceptions. Shake things up. Go.
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I know salons are closed and there's no end date in sight and you may be feeling desperate, but somebody needs to hear this. Do NOT cut your own bangs.
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My husband just took bets from all the neighbors over how thick the ice is on the lake, then he went out there to drill a hole while they watched from their house. If this isn't the most Minnesota Quarantine thing ever, I don't know what is.
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The husband's cutting his hair and he can't find the mirror he usually uses. Instead he's using an enchanted princess mirror from the kid's room. Every time he lifts it, the mirror plays a harp and tells him what a pretty princess he is.
Next time I hide his mirror on purpose.
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It feels like we got in trouble and got grounded and sent to our room, and 2020 keeps coming back to yell at us like "and another thing"
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I would like a dog book tour. In order to see me, you must bring a dog for me to pet. If you don't have a dog, you need to borrow one but don't try and come through with a dog that someone else already brought because I will notice unless you put glasses on him to disguise him.
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I want to go back to the days when I thought my Roomba rolling over that dog poop was going to be the worst thing to happen this year
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Me: Omg this actress is my age and she looks great! How does she do it?
Google: Diet, sleep, and exercise
Me: Well FUCK
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I just met my new neighbors. I was walking across the street to a sick friend's house in mud boots, a sweatshirt and no bra carrying a plate of beignets. The real estate agent pointed at me and said, "And there's the cupcake lady!" Then everyone came to meet me in all my glory 😆
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My kid is having a boy over that she likes. She's been cleaning the house for an hour. He'll be here any minute. I just wandered down into the kitchen in my pajamas and she looked at me in horror and goes, "Ok wait, you're gonna change right? Mom? Right? Mom???"
😂😂😂
NOPE.
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My 13 year old gave me attitude and put her hand in my face while I was talking to her so I licked her palm.
Guys, she is SHOOK.
My finest parenting moment of 2018.
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I stick long strands of hair to the wall of the shower so they don't go down the drain. If I forget to throw them away when I get out, my husband shapes them into penises and leaves them there. Just in case you're wondering what marriage is like.
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If you liked my funny tweet, you'll probably love my new best selling Romcom The Happy Ever After Playlist! And if you get it at the link below, you'll be supporting an indie book store that could use the sales ❤
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*Kicks door open, holds up contract*
I. Have. A BOOK DEAL!!!!! A THREE book deal!!!!
@RedSofaLiterary
@staceyigraham
@LeahHulten
@ForeverRomance
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I'd do it myself, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I’m swamped.
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[Me, getting up to use the bathroom]
My dog: Again?
Me: You don't have to come. You can just stay—
My dog: No no. I'm coming.
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My husband says, and I quote, "I'm not taking Stuntman Mike out in public anymore. Too many ladies want to pet him and I can't get anything done." 😂😂😂
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My youngest kid just walked into my room and goes, "You can use Dawn dish soap in the dishwasher right?" and my entire life flashed before my eyes.
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So my 16 year old keeps leaving her car unlocked in the driveway and we keep warning her to lock it because people's cars have been getting ransacked in our area and we just came home to find it unlocked again and long story short my husband and I just looted her vehicle 😂
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It wasn't in our wedding vows but rescuing my husband from the chatty neighbor by making up disasters inside of the house is a core part of my commitment to this marriage.
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My husband hasn't fed me yet and it's almost 1:00. He wanted to wait to eat until we got to Pier 39. I am very grumpy and he looks afraid. He just put me on a bench and ran into a Mexican restaurant to buy me a taco so fast he knocked into a table.
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I watched a stranger's dog today while she went in to order food at a cafe. When she came out I asked her if her dog could have a treat. I carry them in my purse.
She blinked at me. "You carry dog treats in your purse?"
"My whole life has been in preparation for this moment."
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My dog started to barf and all three of my kids jumped into action in a super choreographed way and caught it on a paper plate and I thought, "You did it, lady. They're ready for the world. You've taught them all they need to know."
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My husband's hunting dog has 1 currency: adventure. Her brain resets every 72 hours and her favorite person is whoever has taken her on the most adventures within that period. I've taken her to the dog park 3 times followed by a trip to
@nadiacakes
for a pupcake. This my dog now.
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OMG OMG OMG!!!! The Happy Ever After Playlist is the
#1
Amazon Best Book of the Year so far for romance!!!!!! ❤🥳❤🥳❤🥳❤🥳 I needed this today lol
Buy link:
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We have an electrician in the house.
My 10 pound Yorkie: do u want me to kill him mama?
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My husband is in a labor dispute. He hired my 5 year old nephew to pull weeds. When it came time to pay, my nephew was like, "I'm 5 so it's $5."
My husband was like, "I don't know, buddy. That's a lot."
"$10 or I put it all back. And I want it in pennies. I like pennies."
😂
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I'm on a flight to L.A. and my husband just pulled my earbud out and whispered "You better be ready to eat tacos. I'm taking you straight to your favorite place the second we land."
Is this porn? This feels like porn.
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When I ask my dogs if they want to go for a walk:
Big dog: *spins in circles* Yay! ADVENTURES! happy happy happy!!!
My teacup Yorkie: *flicks a cigarette across the kitchen* Sure. It's been awhile since I picked a fight with a much larger dog I just met on a sidewalk.
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Welp, my husband gave Stuntman Mike a haircut without my permission, here on the eve of my virtual launch party event on Saturday. I am NOT amused. And my husband keeps telling me he's going to send me a grooming invoice. I need a divorce attorney 😆
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My husband: I don't understand how you always find everything
Me:
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The beginning of summer: We're gonna grill fresh veggies with every meal, eat watermelon, pick our own strawberries and grow tomatoes!
Mid summer: The kids have eaten nothing but Lunchables, microwave mac and cheese, and ramen for three weeks straight. I think they have scurvy.
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My five year old nephew on being told we're going for a walk: I came here to have fun, I didn't come here to go outside.
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I'm dying laughing by the way. I'm making her do this at every family gathering until she's 30 😂
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