In the pub carrying 3 pints, my mate came up behind me and pulled my pants down. Undies came down too. Roar of laughter went up. A few weeks later spotted him filling up at the petrol station. I snuck behind him and pulled his shorts down. It wasn't him. Got in my car & drove off

Wife is lovely but is awful with accents. She told our Irish builder that she turned down a good quote to do our front garden because the guy was Irish. When he was done I gave him £50 extra and told him she has learning difficulties. Not the first time I've had to do this.

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Bloke who just completed the marathon on the train and no one has moved to let him sit down. Sums up London that 😂

I am currently helping my wife look for the Lindt chocolate bunny I ate on Thursday.

Sold one of my leopard print coats on Vinted. Never felt more shamed in my life 😂😂😂

Every few weeks I throw Mr Kipling Cherry Bakewells at my cunt neighbour's shed. He really is a dreadful cunt and you'd do the same.

cillian murphy giving his golden globes speech with lipstick all over his face from his wife kissing him? neeeed a real lover boy like that

Why is everyone talking about how horrible Captain Tom’s daughter is, when the real criminal is the architect who designed her spa to look like a 1970s GP surgery?

My husband has the scariest costume tonight. He just goes as himself but he's a teacher in the school at the end of our estate, so when the kids knock he just emerges from the darkness and barks 'have you got your homework done' at them. The screams! Ah it does be great.

Didn't want to get my 5yr old daughter her desired guinea-pig, so I told her they were poisonous. She was old enough to use the iPad to check if it was true. As she did so, I pulled out my phone and edited Wikipedia to say they had a toxic bite & left it up there. Sorry editors.

Looks like a 15 year old lad has stabbed a girl with a machete because she broke up with him, and people wonder why amplifying people like Andrew Tate is so problematic

totally nuts that it needs to be explained to people that sleeping with a 16 year old when you’re not also 16/17 is really weird ?

Whenever someone spells my name incorrectly on an email I will always spell their name incorrectly in my reply. I know its petty but my name isn't difficult to spell correctly and it really irritates me when it's wrong. Hopefully it annoys them as much as it annoys me

Whilst driving I will always look to drive over drains and manhole covers pretending they are the '? boxes' from Mario Kart. If the road is clear I imagine I have found a mushroom and speed up. I'm 39 this year.

just sold a pair of trainers for £40 on depop and then opened a letter and found i’ve got a fine for driving in a bus lane, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away lmao

This is how deep that submarine has to go…. Omg they not coming back I fear

Me consuming all the titanic submarine content I possibly can for the past 24 hours: