ellie schnitt!
@holy_schnitt
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(e)girl next door• • podcaster!! • she/her • IG: ellie_schnitt • business inquiries: @unitedtalent isabel @gallantcreativemgmt .com
New York, NY
Joined February 2012
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Pinned Tweet
cillian murphy giving his golden globes speech with lipstick all over his face from his wife kissing him? neeeed a real lover boy like that
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btw if there was a photo of me out there that looked like this you’d never be able to tell me shit again. my head would be so big I wouldn’t fit thru the door
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Dad in every Disney channel movie: but son, you're giving up your DREAM
Son in every Disney channel movie: no dad, I'm giving up ~yours~
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why is sleeping at night so hard but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft fluffy cloud while adele sings you a lullaby
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no one:
Barbie:
quick reminder that i’m in med school. and law school. also astronaut school and basketball school. so don’t talk to me about stress
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remember ladies, you never have to feel bad about guys buying you drinks!! there’s a wage gap they can afford it!!
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just being honest rn I do not remember one single minute of the entire month of april
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I am so excited for Valentine's Day bc I work and I'm gonna tell all my customers that my "boyfriend dumped me" so I "decided to cover another girl's shift" and I'm gonna get so many pity tips
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I know this is borderline psychotic but i’ve heard my upstairs neighbors have sex so many times that I am like 90% positive that one of them is cheating rn…. the rhythm is off that’s all i’m saying
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reddit is a cool website because it simultaneously is one of the worst places on the entire internet AND the only place you can get a straight answer about almost anything
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u must release your fear of being annoying or cringe or “too much” in order to truly live a joyful and satisfying life. being a little annoying is actually really fun and many of you need to try it
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I got a free drink at starbucks for saying please & thank u when I ordered. I know someone is gonna quote tweet this like “that’s basic manners, do u want a cookie” but I don’t need a cookie, I already have a free drink for being better than everyone else
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sorry, william cheated on Kate?? Kate Middleton? was cheated on by Where’d Ya Hairline Go William? someone get me a TI-89 because this shit is not adding up
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the way men love vanilla perfumes is so funny to me? if u smell like a sugar cookie every man in a 10 mile radius will want to kiss you. such simple creatures, so easy to please
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all my “I can fix him” energy comes from being the quiet girl all the teachers would sit bad boys next to in class
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high school musical 2 came out in 2007 and breaking bad came out in 2008 and they are both set in albuquerque new mexico. which means canonically troy bolton and jesse pinkman could’ve been in school together
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girls when you kept them like a secret but they kept you like an oath
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why are so many guys I know stupid thicc with naturally great brows and lashes like I spend real money to look like that and meanwhile he’s probably using the same $3 bar of soap to wash his face and his asshole
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why is that sometimes eggs are the most delectable meal you’ve ever had in your life and then randomly one day they’re an abomination and you have to choke them down like you’re being force-fed
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me: red velvet cake is just chocolate cake dyed red. logically it should taste like chocolate
my brain: mm taste red :)
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remember last year in nyc there was a heat wave and the city was like “turn your AC off to save energy ❤️” and we were like ? turn off times square motherfucker wtf
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u can burn like 1.3 calories a minute by crying so yes, i’ve cried 5 times today but on the plus side I am lookin ~slim~
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mind you breaking bad is a show with actual neo-nazis in it but surely the wife who is a little concerned about her meth dealing husband is the problem
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I drunk texted so many people last night and none of them were my regulars so that is concerning, drunk me is branching out. making connections. she’s got a whole other life now
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I keep accidentally texting my friends like I am a dog
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if I glance at you more than twice in a 3 minute time period that's your hint & it's the only one you're getting
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I used to write “sorry :(“ on my math tests I 100000% should not be allowed to have a credit card
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kind of fucked up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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I fucking love halloween because nothing makes me laugh harder than what people will sluttify. a girl I know is being “slutty sleepytime tea bear” and i’ve been laughing at that for 45 minutes
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I do love nyc like I was just walking home alone & was a little freaked and almost as though he knew, a rat popped out of a pile of garbage and sort of kept pace with me for like 4 blocks?? kinda sweet like having a tiny disease-infested chaperone
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the best part of the adam levine sexts is that u know he was getting all worked up meanwhile this girl was probably eating fettuccine alfredo on the couch and laughing with her friends about it
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I was using vinegar while cleaning my bathroom and then I thought hm maybe I should bleach this too and long story short that is mustard gas
Alright. We’re wrapping up the year. It is now tradition: Please tell me about the funniest and stupidest thing you did in 2023
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pro tip: instead of dyeing your hair when you break up with someone, just cut off the exact length of his dick so you can caption your selfie “not gonna miss those 6 inches, Mike”
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smoking cigarettes is definitely fucked up but u know what’s more fucked up?? people genuinely do look cool and sexy smoking them like sorry I’m grown enough to admit that, are you?
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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love the direction men’s clothing is going in (very short shorts) but I argue it can and should be sluttier
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maybe "cool girls" like beer but I'm not gonna drink 6% alcohol wheat juice & hate life when I can drink tequila and love myself
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someone:
drunk me: ok FINE I will tell you, unprompted, about every guy i’ve ever loved and every bad thing i’ve ever even contemplated doing
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today might be saturday but I think we can all agree that yesterday was also saturday
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the secret to being a hot girl is literally just deciding you are one
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morning ladies your inspiration for the week is this: u gotta stop putting lol at the ends of sentences to “soften” them. it’s weak. if you want to be an asshole just be an asshole, they probably deserve it
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I love that thing girls do when we give each other disclaimers before hanging out like “ok jsyk my hair is NOT clean” “that’s fine I look like hot garbage!!” it’s so funny why do we do that
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obsessed with getting in bed at 8:30pm and lighting a little candle and pretending im going to read and then scrolling on tik tok until midnight
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remember when cupcakes had this huge moment in like 2010 and cupcake shops opened everywhere and you couldn’t get normal desserts anywhere u had to eat gigantic dry cupcakes that were $15 each
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cats can have little a salami, “as a treat” according to study done by cats
The risk of COVID-19 exposure onboard an aircraft is “virtually non-existent,” according to a new study by Boeing, United Airlines and the Department of Defense.
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insane that dating is just hanging out with someone until you either gradually become disgusted by them or you sign a paper telling the government you like them enough to continue hanging out with them forever
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how is it possible that so few men are in therapy when every single man i’ve ever met should 100% be in therapy
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idk why there’s such a pervasive belief that you shouldn’t have sex on the first date when every successful couple I know is like “yeah we boned down the first night we met, he slept over and just never left. now we’ve been married for 22 years”
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whoever is doing PR for joe jonas needs to be fired expeditiously like buddy idk how but instead of making joe look good you’ve convinced the entire internet that he must have murdered sophie turner’s entire family or something
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lowkey met gala night is my favorite night on twitter I just think it’s beautiful when we all come together to make fun of people who apparently have never been to a themed party and perhaps have never heard of one, based on the fits
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i don’t get why girls aren’t supposed to make the first move considering boys are so stupid you’ll be waiting 7.5 months for the guy you like to even figure out you like him
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i posted a snap of literally just my abs on my story & captioned it that I need new workout clothes and I keep getting responses from dudes that I expect to be like “😜💦” and instead they’re all like “try TJ Maxx” lmao men r being not trash today
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my iron levels are so low that I have to start getting IV infusions and my dr was like haven’t you noticed super low energy?? like yeah dog but I thought I was just depressed so this is actually kind of slay
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if I was emily ratajkowski and I was the most beautiful woman perhaps ever invented, I too would make out with all of my celebrity crushes. she’s simply living the dream and I respect her
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the ugliest version of me is the version that comes out when I play board games. idk who she is but she is a monster she is not fit for human interaction
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
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I am very much struggling with the concept that it’s december tomorrow?? apparently time flies when you are having absolutely not fun at all
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date a man who shuts the fuck up
thank me later ❤️
Date the girl who doesn’t wear any makeup to the lake and gets her hair wet
thank me later
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gilmore girls is an incredibly stressful show I do not know why people gear up to watch it every fall like? do you enjoy watching lorelei yell at her parents for just wanting to help her? do u like seeing rory make every bad decision possible?? this is fun for you???
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my sober brain: I'm independent, I don't need a man, I'm living my best life, being single? amazing. Iconic.
my drunk brain: *choking back tears* I just want to hold somebody's FUCKING hand
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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no one will gas u up like your grandma.. I just walked in with no makeup lookin like I died 3 years ago & she goes "well don't you look pretty!" ... bless u ma'am
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bar i’m at does not have spotify premium?? an ad just played?? holy shit like I will give u the $7 a month this is just upsetting
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i’ve gotta stop telling people they were in my dreams bc they always think it’s a sex thing when in reality they were like, my cashier at petsmart or something
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if I was a football player I would simply catch the ball
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message like this has me so suspicious like is he sweet or is he ran through 🧐
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I cannot believe I’m in charge of my own finances. me, a person who had to stop playing the kim kardashian iphone game because I was spending too much real money on it
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me & my friends do this thing where we say “I love & support whatever you do” which roughly translates to “I think you’re being stupid but i’ll let this one play itself out”
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if I flirt with you i’m either bored and it means nothing or I want to have your children and good luck figuring out which
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i swear laying on the floor solves everything. cramps? lay on the floor. bored? lay on the floor!! existential crisis? f l o o r
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I come from a very long line of women who believe bathrooms should have a theme and so behold: lemon bathroom
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drunk me isn’t bad per se she just runs her mouth a bit. i’d compare her to Hagrid whenever he’d spill some tea to Harry Potter and then he’d say “shouldn’t’ve have said that. I should not have said that” yeah that’s me
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haven’t smoked weed in like 3 years and tonight I did and at first I was like oh why don’t I do this anymore it’s nice! and now i’m at the club manually breathing
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someone puked on me at lollapalooza 4 years ago so my tolerance for gross things is pretty high but couples who sit? on the same side?? of the table??? you are so gross don’t do that in public
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I hate restaurants that won’t seat you unless your whole party is here!!! what r u gonna gain from making me stand awkwardly in the corner like why am I being punished for being on time
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drunk me is a sneaky little bitch bc if I want to do something that sober me would not approve of, i’ll ask for advice from someone who I know will say go for it instead of asking my friends who I know will yell at me
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my roommate didn’t come home last night and I was starting to get really worried but then I peeped her location and she’s at her ex’s place. considering dead bolting the door so she really has to think about what she’s done
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My moms a preschool teacher and she let the kids pick the name of their fish and they picked "blueberry 2" like there's not even a blueberry 1 I love children
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I just had crossing the street mansplained to me?? guy was like “u gotta wait for the light” ahhh cheers babe I was about to just walk into oncoming traffic ur a national hero xoxo
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I like being an adult but tbh my one gripe is the Dishes. oh, the dishes. I am always doing dishes. when this world ends and our sun is nothing but a shriveled, dead star, when the mountains crumble to dust and the oceans dry, there I will stand. doing the dishes.
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I started smoking weed in college because at parties all my friends would go into a little room together to smoke like a little secret smoking club and they’d be in there for so long & they’d be giggling and it was like ok… health class did not mention this part..
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when a guy is dressed in business casual it automatically takes him from a 5 to an 8 for me and I swear it’s bc i’m a gold digger
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mr. groundhog didn’t see his shadow early spring is coming!!!
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I really can’t believe high school me was texting people 24/7 like now if I receive more than 3 texts from someone in an hour my entire body shuts down it’s like the scene in monsters inc with the sock
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hey ladies do u ever just like hold your boob & it calms u
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having pierced ears is just accepting that occasionally you will have to re-pierce your own ear with the dull end of the earring you want to wear that day & I think that’s beautiful
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I do feel for my friends because I have this deep, primal need to be dramatic so I could text “I am so fucking upset right now” and it could be very serious or it could be about the texture of chickpea pasta
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the thing about the ocean is it’s haunted and I do not fuck with it. 95% of the ocean is unexplored? good. it’s none of our business
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I’m such a “im grabbing coffee do you want anything?” ass bitch & it’s not good lmao just out here spending thousands of dollars on starbucks bc “it’s a coffee you owe me nothing!!!” I must stop
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feel like there’s a lot of sexual tension in the phrase “oh yeah?” like you could tell me you love jalapeño poppers and if I responded “oh yeah?” i’d immediately feel dirty
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huge: i’ve discovered if I sing very loudly when my upstairs neighbors start having sex they quiet down!!!!proof that being a former theatre kid does have its uses
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I know that there’s no real difference between today and tomorrow but damn if i’m not a slut for the symbolism of it all! a blank page! a fresh start!! new year new me!!!!
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by age 25 you should have one going out outfit (fancy), one going out outfit (slutty), and 42 interchangeable cute black tops to wear with jeans
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absolutely unhinged for bella swan at 18 to decide she wants to be with edward literally til the end of time????? I would truly rather bathe in lava than spend forever with the guy I was into when I was 18 who let her do that
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