Douglas Cheape
@CheapeDouglas
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Scribbler. Human avatar of author, playwright, and comedy writer Alexander Tarbet. Memorial Device Alternative National Treasure.
Glasgow, Scotland
Joined August 2019
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Pinned Tweet
Coming in 2024. Which comes as possibly a bigger surprise to me than you, or maybe not.
*Obviously this site will be history by then, so please imprint this image on your eyeballs as a reminder.
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I am currently helping my wife look for the Lindt chocolate bunny I ate on Thursday.
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A wee wummin in Glasgow crocheted this and her man got up a ladder and put it on. And that is why I love my city.
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Just bumped into my old French teacher. She asked me what I was up to now, so I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
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Treating my spouse this Valentine’s evening with a spiced lamb pâté en croûte, served with warm Scottish potato salad and haricot beans in a tomato jus.
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As with many roaming beasts, the dpd van is at it’s most vulnerable when drinking.
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I can’t believe they threw me out for jumping around.
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They tell me I’m uncultured, but I’ll always recognise a bit of Beethoven.
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What can I say? Today, in spite of my very best efforts, I have awoken to the dreadful news that I am 60 years old.
On the plus side, I have a wonderfully resourceful wife who has presented me with this Lewis chessmen ‘berserker pawn’ cake! Yes, that’s a cake! Amazing.
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Clearing out the eaves (yes, they’re huge) and have to post this design classic before taking it to the tip. Speaks volumes of Uncle Murdo’s desire to be a modern man (even at the outermost point of the Outer Hebrides). The colours and lines of this beauty. Completely of its time
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Is it just me, or does this hotel room really, really want to eat those flowers?
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Just got back in from my first visit to Fight Club. I arrived a little late so I missed a few of the introductory bits, but I really enjoyed Fight Club and would happily recommend it to anyone.
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This was my dad’s hammer. It’s mine now, and having used it all day today I can honestly say it is the most useful tool I have ever owned. That teardrop bit in the middle is genius when it comes to nails. The whole thing is so incredibly reliable and strong and I miss him so much
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You all may have Waitrose, but you don’t have Glasgow Waitrose.
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@ManonGarciaFR
Slightly different, but Roger McGough tells a story of when, for homework, his daughter was given one of his poems to write an essay about. For a laugh, he wrote the essay for her. Got a ‘D’.
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'So I should just sit down here and you'll paint my portr- oh, you're finished.'
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My friend in London has just returned from voting today and tells me the turnout looked to be extremely low, with the polling station itself full of confused primary school children. Make of that what you will.
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Stand down Twitter, a home has been found for the chair in Stornoway with someone who has others, so it won’t be lonely.
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When your dog sitter leaves a bra behind and your wife automatically assumes that to be the case. You then ask why she didn't suspect it could have belonged to your fancy piece and she replies, with a sigh, that the first clue would be that you just used the phrase 'fancy piece’.
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So, a Glasgow chip shop has come up with deep fried pickled onions. I’m not sure, how about you? Vote now.
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Can we all just take a moment to remember this brave theatre sign writer who tragically passed away doing the job he loved.
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Because we’re washing your fucking dishes you lazy cunt.
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With all these hideous Perspex awards floating about these days, it's nice to see a traditional trophy someone has really put some thought into.
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Not a phone or iPad in sight, just people living in the moment.
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won't be catching this train again.
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I don’t know who did this, but it has made me chortle.
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When you put what was left of your disastrous bitcoin investment into the, admittedly volatile, mini sponge market.
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Thoughts and prayers for oor Hamish as he’s being operated on to remove a great big fuck-off lump from his neck today. Tests indicate it is benign, but not in a good place and the vet has warned it will leave a very large wound.
*🤞picking him up at 4pm.
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Farmhouse on Islay.
Interesting note: the mountains are on another island (Jura).
That is all.
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Surprised to find this in the supermarket, surely a second hand store would be more appropriate.
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On the eve of my wife's birthday, Here is a handy chart illustrating how far I would walk just to be the one who wakes up next to her.
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@dorkusmalorkus_
For a year and a half when dropping my wife at work we passed a bicycle shop in Mountain View, California, with the sign ‘RUBBER INNER TUBES’, and for a year and a half I would say, ‘Don’t mind if I do.’ Somewhat miraculously, I am still alive and we are still together.
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The young master has bathed and patiently awaits dinner.
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Facebook just reminded me it was nine years ago my wife left me this moving epistle.
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'Sunroof' seems an overly optimistic term in Glasgow these days.
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I have mowed the lawn. Mowed; not mown. Let me explain: mowed is the past tense of the verb mow. Eg: if you cut the grass this afternoon, you can say, I mowed the lawn this afternoon. Mown is mow‘s past-participle adjective. So you can say, the mown grass looks lovely. I’m fine.
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It is the end of days. Hold your loved ones, make your peace.
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I know I’m far from the first to balk at this, but we’ve just bailed out of attending our friends’ daughter’s wedding upon discovering it would cost us somewhere between £2000 and £3000. Honestly, who has that to spare?
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@tsukkiskys
@govindajeggy
A pal of mine Dougie Timmins took this in Glasgow, and I always thought...Dang!
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Jings! I had no idea this stuff existed. To think, all these years I’ve been buying booze.
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Hats off to Tesco. All this and Clubcard points too.
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Me: Do you mind if I play some music?
Uber Driver: Not at all.
Me: *pulls out recorder* This is Wonderwall.
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A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman,
‘On a right angled triangle with sides x, y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?’
And the barman says,
“y, the long face".
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Discovered this early illuminated Glaswegian script: 'respice in faciem, sicut ego vidi et stupri iocatum?' ...and for the non Latin scholars, 'Look it ma face, dae a look like am f*ckin' jokin'?'
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My wife shouted up from downstairs today, ‘Have you ever had really sharp pains in your chest, as if someone was stabbing a voodoo doll?’
‘No?’ I called back down.
Then I hear her again a few seconds later,
‘How about now?’
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My friend in Glasgow has found these fledglings, obviously not long out of the nest, in the park. Nature always finds a way.
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'So I should just sit down here and you'll paint my portr…oh, you're finished.'
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I’m about to get started, what time will you be round?
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Very stoned Hamish home. Anaesthetic will take a while to wear off, which is a good thing looking at that wound. Test results still to come. Antibiotics and the ever present Loxicom to follow. Poor wee soul.
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I must say, the most revealing difference between Irish and Scottish Gaelic is definitely in the words for December: Mí na Nollag (Month of Christmas) in Ireland, and An Dubhlachd (the Blackness) in Scotland. So everyone, do have a lovely Blackness.
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In the restaurant.
Waiter: Your coffee, sir.
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly. *delicately embraces me from behind*
Me: Lovely, thank you.
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Traditionally at this time of year we islanders get on with the laborious task of stacking our tweets for the coming winter. *They are until then left out in the elements to become dry and witty.
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@DannyDutch
When you put what was left of your disastrous bitcoin investment into the, admittedly volatile, mini sponge market.
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All of the girls who broke my young heart without ever knowing of my existence wore these.
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TFW you think you may have wandered into a bit of a rough area.
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@nonregemesse
He would have scorned such frivolity. This solid lump of metal will go from generation to generation, hailed by each for its unparalleled and indestructible functionality. He’d be fine with that.
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Jings! There’s some poor lassie walkin’ about the Southside wi’ jist yin eyelash.
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Oh come on! They're doing their best, what with the wee short legs, nervous disposition and all.
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Pizza overlooking the Port of Ness today. Lovely balmy wind from the North Atlantic.
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