I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED. Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see. Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Selling on Facebook Marketplace is 5% listing items, 85% replying “yes, it’s still available” to people who will never respond again, and 10% rejecting offers to take $5 and a bag of Doritos for an item you listed for $50.

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Happy “save an empty box just because it's a really great box" season to all those who celebrate.

I like to put up holiday decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with snacks and ignore the box of decorations.

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she's mad at me I just say "Linda wouldn't get mad about that."

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better. Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.” Husband, “What does it say?” Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.” H, “The engine?” Me, “It looks more like a submarine.” H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?” Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Family is wonderful. Gratitude is important. But unless you trampled a teenager at Trader Joe’s to get the last bag of fried onions and your skin smells like butter and despair, is it really Thanksgiving? No, it's not. So I wrote about it. https://t.co/bFM1KTI25A

Ran into two people I knew at the grocery store, so I guess I have to find a new grocery store now.

Going to Trader Joe’s the week before Thanksgiving is like a suburban middle class Hunger Games.

A friend finished a marathon yesterday. I found furnace filters on sale. Pretty big weekend for both of us, I guess.

Me: I’m so comfortable right now that nothing can ruin this moment. Bladder: Hi.

Do you rinse out and reuse the same Ziploc bag 17 times? Bring in all the grocery bags in one trip because you refuse to make two and count it as strength training? Of course you do. So I wrote this just for you. https://t.co/DZzLoBzbtO

My neighbors already have their Christmas tree up, so naturally I called the police.

In a murder mystery, I’d like to believe I’d be the detective, but in reality, I’d probably be the extra character drinking champagne in the dining room, shouting, “Isn’t this fun?” right before I got hit over the head with a candlestick.

I'm a work in progress that hasn't made much progress.

"Sorry. Can't. It's already dark out." - Me, every night from now until about mid-May.

If you remember Jello Pudding Pops, orgasmic shampoo, and "Be Kind, Rewind," this is for you. Happy Halloween. You're old. 🎃 https://t.co/CNYz84sdMc

There are people who spend hours carving pumpkins and I just ate a banana because I didn't want to cut up an apple.