I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Winter: It's too cold to leave the house and do anything. Summer: It's too hot to leave the house and do anything.

RT @ddsmidt: AI is like that eager, elderly relative who can’t wait to give you advice.

RT @AbbyHasIssues: I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the….

It’s important to reward yourself for your accomplishments. For example, I spent 10 minutes vacuuming, so now I’m going to sit on the couch with snacks for three hours, watching my favorite shows.

RT @TheAndrewNadeau: It’s crazy that hunting and gathering were separate jobs. Like, you’re already in the woods. You can’t grab some berri….

Oscillating fans are great when you only want to be cooled down every five seconds.

RT @anerdonfire2: I'm going to need to know what temperature you keep your thermostat at before I agree to come over.

I don’t want the Disney princess dream of a tiara and fairytale romance. I want the version where I sleep for eight uninterrupted hours and a woodland creature scrubs my toilets. So I wrote about it:.

It's so hot the chipmunks are using my bird bath as a hot tub and requesting mimosas and the brunch menu.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.

RT @RodLacroix: It's so hot that I burst into flames just by walking outside. Luckily it's also so humid the fire went out almost immedia….

RT @Quartzjixler: Sorry I had to unfollow you when you put the apostrophe in the wrong place on a plural possesive.

I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.

Me as a kid: I can handle anything that comes my way!. Me as an adult: I hurt myself sneezing and they rearranged my grocery store. I don’t think I can go on.

RT @joeljeffrey: When you become a vampire you gain immortality, but it hardly seems worth if you have to live forever without garlic bread.

Elon Musk lost $34 billion of his net worth in a day and I’m still angry I forgot to use a $1 coupon on toilet paper two days ago.

RT @ArfMeasures: ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies. GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes. ME: Put Ratatouille on.

RT @ddsmidt: Therapist: It seems like you have a problem with projecting your feelings onto others. Me: No, I don’t. You’re the one with t….

Actually, your email doesn't find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, I unpeeled my banana to reveal a big bruise, and I found a spoon in the fork section of the drawer. My life is spiraling out of control.

If you think most Yelp reviews sound like they were written by someone in a paper tiara, pajama pants, and Crocs, vlogging from aisle 9 of Walmart—I wrote this for you. And it includes my bra and a toaster.