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shards of broken glass in my shoes and belly button
Skunktown
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Pinned Tweet
Proved my theory that i am the main character of this reality (sort of)
@ianabramson
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I’ll never forget the time at *m*rson college when a classmate showed us her 5 minute long video essay about Chernobyl and it was actually just a montage of babies with horrific natal mutation burns with the song “Radioactive” playing. Professor was like “great. Whose next”
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Jojo Siwa sounds like something one of George Lucas’ racially provocative Star Wars characters would exclaim at a podrace
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landlord had to fix the pipes, and when he was done he put the cabinets back on upside down on some three stooges type shit
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About to poop for the last time in 2022. Ready to kick off next year with a big one
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I like how The Shining poster just has a random picture of a scared guy in the title like ahhhh
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I could not think of a worse name for a soda than “Doctor Pepper”
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also the time my class was kept in the same room from 7 pm to 1 am to watch student finals and this shy russian girl who hadn't said a word in four months played footage of the facebook live killer actually killing people in front of us
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this is a real note my father wrote in his copy of Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography
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Look obviously no one cares but it is wild to me that this isnt organized even a little bit . Try to find your birthday
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If Ellen Degeneres was alive in the 1800s she’d wear a wig made out of human hair and wouldnt let any one else in her province have access to electricity
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Nobody asked for all this lore behind Charmin’ toilet paper. I don’t care that there is a family of animated bears that love to shit and wipe each other’s asses and that they live in a house. I am just looking for soft paper to wipe my ass with
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Dilbert’s Design is flawless. Notice how the dog has the same glasses
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Just six more days
About to poop for the last time in 2022. Ready to kick off next year with a big one
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i got a parking ticket while in court contesting a speeding ticket
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@colinwick_
it also was intercut with film footage she shot of a white guy playing chess against a black guy. When asked to explain she said that "It's crazy that black people commit crimes too but they aren't reported as much on the news." It was 12:45 AM and we were like like .... okayyyyy
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good call man! lets make the world even shittier
Does anyone know why airlines don’t put ads on the overhead bins?
Feels like a nice revenue opportunity sitting in *plane* sight
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This is genuinely my first moment of not knowing if an image is AI or not
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David Bowie had sex with minors and almost a still-warm dead body and grown women from my high school post pictures of him everyday like “omg this was the first guy tht wore makeup <3”
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@SunnyBunnyMilk
Yea or i could suffer in silence, get my degree, make great friends for life and then milk the experience for likes on twitter years later.... bye bye!!
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Went to check on my friend who is down catatonically bad right now and he was watching “Top 10 Most Powerful Dragons from Mythology”
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Carbonara with ham cubes . Smells and tastes like complete shit. You can do whatever you want
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Guy at the pool place last night watching fast and furious on his iphone alone eating a sandwich - never played pool , just left when he finished the film . Good Man
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The Matrix was so ahead of its time . It predicted the terms redpill and bluepilled and that computers were gonna look weird
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Its funny to me that cops are blue-colored pieces, when they should be red. A cop dressed in a bright-red uniform conveys the energy and danger of the police much more effectively. They have a gun. And firemen are red? They should be blue. Because they spray the water.
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Bought 100 of these and am just whipping them out the window at other cars on the highway
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Little pro tip: when you go out to the bar, dont keep paying for drinks - just go to the bathroom, pee in your jar and drink that instead. Looks like beer, is cheaper, and gets you fucked as hell
#trustme
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mickey rourke looking like a GTA character that broke free from the playstation
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Me and the homies blackout getting picked up by 9 different ubers
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A Movie called “PIG” ? Movie called “Lamb” ? Ok , fine, then i have an idea for a movie its. Called “Goose” and its about a goose with a metal beak that fucks your shit up
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2 more days
About to poop for the last time in 2022. Ready to kick off next year with a big one
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ʙʀᴇᴀᴋɪɴɢ ɴᴇᴡꜱ: A New Direction “BIMPF” Has Been Added to the Compass !
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This picture is Radiohead idk why dont ask me to explain
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I like how in America if you want enough money to live comfortably, or basically at all, you have to become a immobile human-computer for a company
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I remember thinking this guy was just the craziest dude out there
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Made clam chowder from scratch last night. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. gf walked into the apartment this morning and said everything smells like “rotten civil war meat”
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my coworker was telling me about how there is a new Mr. Bean movie coming out and he no joke unironically said "and as usual, mister bean gets up to his wild antics and everything spins out of a control" .
i was speechless. never has it been laid out so bare like that
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yea basically this made me extremely sad in a way i cant explain
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When i was younger we had a huge stump in the backyard and on weekends my dad would make my siblings and I hit the stump with hammers like it was a chore to “keep the stump from getting out”
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Old couple fighting in front of the geological layers of the grand canyon!!
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I have been avoiding watching this all day. Just got home, poured myself a glass of whiskey, rolled my sleeves up and sat at my dining room table in complete darkness. Told my wife to go to bed without me. Took it like a man .
I put my American audience to the test with a selection of my darkest jokes...
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@JucheMane
I think its cool that she made up the term “bitch made buster” and really sticks to it
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just could not imagine a worse image to witness on any sort of drug at all even aspirin
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I saw the blue man group perform in 2015 and i can honestly say it sucked ass. A lifetime of anticipation to see my boys in blue wail on some pipes and half of the show was them pretending to be trapped in a huge iphone.
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this is what it feels like being a white guy listening to aphex twin on headphones by yourself
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They should do a sketch where theres a weird guy in an office setting
I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson Season 3 premieres May 30!
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Been cooking at home a lot more recently and its paying off. Can whip up a homecooked meal like this in 10 minutes (with just random spare ingredients lol)
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Omg just found this hilarious series on youtube. Its called “all gas no brakes” and its like man on the street style but it gets totally unhinged. Seriously exposes unseen pockets of america. 10/10 check it our
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Yea its called 9/11 . Dumbass
playstation ads used to be so cunty what happened🙁💔
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New york is cool cuz i just googled “mac memory upgrade” and now im in keanu reeve’s apartment from the first Matrix and this guy is showing me how to do crazy shit on the computer
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What are we even doing any more
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