Tracie Loux
@tracieloux
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Following
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You’ve got to feel it to heal it! Author, artist, speaker, teacher, mom of 7, "Noni" to 2 grands, grief writer, triple negative breast cancer, 5’2” enneagram 2
Kansas City, MO
Joined September 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Grief is simply Love that has been forced to take on a new shape.
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@RevSarahLocke
I’m a teacher and parent who absolutely agrees! I have said for years that when adults work 8-10 hour days and then come with a briefcase full of work, and work another 2-3 hours, we call them workaholics, and we expect CHILDREN to do this? They need play and family after school!
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2,192 days.
That’s how many days I have continued breathing after my son took his last breath.
6 years ago tonight.
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@RegReformedGuys
To
#LGBTQ
Beloveds reading this thread whose parents feel like the majority of those on this thread...
1- Yes I will attend your wedding and sit in where your mother should be.
2- If you need an officiant, I will find you one.
3- You are welcome at my table always.
#mamabear
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it’s ok to shout obscenities today. Fr
@rachelheldevans
“The Psalms are, in a sense, God’s way of holding space for us. They invite us to rejoice, wrestle, cry, complain, offer thanks, &shout obscenities before our Maker without self-consciousness & without fear.”
#becauseofRHE
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@rachsyme
We have 4 bedrooms and 3 kids still at home. My girls share a bedroom because the 4th bedroom is MINE- it’s a lovely meditation space and art studio. And it’s MY sacred space. After 27 years of parenting 7 kids, I finally gave myself this space!
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Twitter friends, a good friend’s son died by suicide last night, two years after another one of her children died from a sudden illness. And I need a space to express how angry I am that life is so hard. I am without other words right now.
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My son should be turning 10 on Tuesday. Today I bought him a cake and had a panic attack in Costco.
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Hey, so maybe let’s not use the phrase, “Well at least I kept them alive” in regards to caring for children.
Some of us deal with trauma and blame on a daily basis because our died, and we couldn’t “keep them alive.”
Not a subtweet, I’ve just needed to say this for years.
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Dear friends, I writing you today from this chair. A chair a never dreamed I would be sitting in. A chair that will become very familiar over the next few months. A chair where I begin my healing.
#breastcancerawareness
#breastcancer
#triplenegativebreastcancer
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If the pandemic has been hard because you are single and alone, longing for a hug, I see you. This is hard.
If the pandemic has been hard because you are overwhelmed by the constant proximity to your children without much reprieve, I see you. This is hard.
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I came to
#ihopkc
in ‘06, I was concerned about where I would fit in. I was told by a leader, “Oh don’t worry, you’ll find a place. People come & go, there’s always a need.” I left my staff position in ‘09, no one said a word, no one cared because I was replaceable.
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14- a bookworm, theatre nerd, girl that did all the work in group projects, dissected a frog because the boy was too scared.
I loved babysitting. The dad of the kids I babysat for took me home and kept his hands to himself.
My grandma got me this monogrammed sweater.
#shewas14
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@Nataliew1020
Sophia’s Mom, I see you. I honor your love and your courage. Love Mattie’s Mom.
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“But if anyone abuses one of these little ones who believes in me, it would be better for him to have a heavy boulder tied around his neck and be hurled into the deepest sea than to face the punishment he deserves!” (Matthew 18:6).
#shewas14
#ihopkctoo
#ihopkc
#MikeBickle
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In the early years after my son Mattie died, I remember resenting those who would speak of healing in regards to grief. What I didn’t know then that I know now, is that healing doesn’t mean that grief ceases to exist. Healing simply means choosing to let love carry you forward.
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Rang the bell today!! 🛎🛎🛎
16 weeks of chemo (8 treatments) ✅
Now a few weeks to rest before surgery in early June, and then radiation for the whole month of July.
#breastcancer
#triplenegativebreastcancer
#cancer
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A few things I’ve learned about grief:
Grief is Lonely
No one can grieve for you and very few people are able to truly grieve beside you. At some point you have to lay down your expectations and just do the work of healing alone. Accept what can be given by others as a gift (1)
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Ordered a sundress with pockets. It’s so cozy that I ordered two more in different colors. My summer wardrobe is complete.
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As u may know,
@Jazzawazz
has Covid-19. She is moving back to her apt next week where she will continue to rest and heal. 7/2 is also HER BIRTHDAY!
She needs our help meeting her basics needs this month.
Let’s all pitch to show our love & let Jazzy know that she is not alone!
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Last 3 pills down the hatch and I am soooooo overjoyed to be done with treatment! A full year: 4 months of IV chemo, surgery, 1 month or radiation and 4 months of oral chemo!
Next up - continued therapy to deal with this trauma and learning to live fully and not in the what-ifs
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It was rime. The hair was falling out in fistfuls. Next chemo is Thursday. Ready beat the shit out of this!
#breastcancer
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What brought you joy today?
Share or post a photo!
For me it was being able to sit outside on my work from home day and have a relatively pain-free day.
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Parenting is hard.
Parenting while fighting off cancer is extra…..
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Tomorrow he should be turning 11.
My heart aches so deeply.
I miss you, son.
It doesn’t get easier.
#grief
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There are a lot of people walking through pain and grief in this world and unless they are asking for advice, most simply need empathy. Sadly, we are conditioned to want to jump in with advice instead of sitting with someone in their pain. 1/3
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Wow! Almost two full weeks of school without a “sick day!” I’m utterly and completely exhausted by 2:30 and the day doesn’t end til 4:00! Thankfully my last classes of the day (4th graders) are compassionate and kind.
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Empathy says, "I'm sorry. I may have not experienced this, but my heart can imagine." Or "I'm so sorry. My experience is a little different, but I hurt for the pain you have felt because I know what pain feels like."
(1)
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“Mom, do you have any of those.... I don’t know what they’re called.....mailing stickers?”- my 12 year old daughter 😂
#stamps
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This week a tiny little 1st grader raised her “virtual hand” in a long line of kiddos asking questions and sharing, and said, “Mrs. Loux, I just wanted to check on you and see how you are feeling!” 😭😭😭😭😭
#VirtualReality
#ArtTeacher
#teachinginapandemic
#teacher
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It’s one thing to have different spiritual and political views from another human being or group of people; it’s an entirely different thing to call those people you disagree with rebellious, false gods, witches, Jezebel and Ahab. Additionally… 1/3
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“I step into the arena not with a smoking gun of bravado hoping to take down the great man of God and his legacy, but with a bleeding heart as one masterfully duped.” - Tammy Woods
#ihopkc
#mikebickle
A woman came forward last week with her story, accusing
@IHOPKC
Founder
@MikeBickle
of sexually abusing her, beginning at age 14
Now, that woman, identified by maiden name Tammy Woods, has released an open letter addressed to Mike (and Diane) Bickle. 1/2
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I’m struggling.
I deeply appreciate this statement and call to repentance and 3rd party investigation, belief in Jane Doe, but I’m don’t know how to make this make sense with Lou’s recent video from a conference.
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Dear Self,
Be so kind to this self of yours.
Be more tender with her than you have ever been.
One day you will look back and be in awe of her- your body, your mind, and your deep well of spirit.
1/9
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I haven’t listened to all of the videos yet, but the video with Elizabeth and Jennifer is so honest and compelling. Thank you, brave women.
#ihopkc
#theadvocategroup
@ZionConsultTeam
For more information on the Advocate Group, who they are and how they got involved in this
#IHOPKC
#MikeBickle
mess, they've made some videos...
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I am a teacher. We receive training about inappropriate behavior w/ students. Touch and/or language.
When I was a substitute teacher, I wasn’t even allowed to tie students shoes!
What religious leader thinks it’s ok to choke hold and punch young people?
Oh I know,
#MikeBickle
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If you’re missing someone dear to you this Christmas, please tell me. Say their name.
Let me honor your love.
Matthias Samuel Loux
10/20/10- 8/21/14
Always and forever I am Mattie’s Mom.
#bluechristmas
#grief
#bereveavedmother
#saytheirname
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I’m here. Have just been quiet in Twitter. It’s hard to know what to say when life is… well, just is what it is right now. I started radiation last week, had minor surgery yesterday. I’m trying to honor my body with rest- she’s working so hard to heal me.
#breastcancer
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@abbynormansays
@RegReformedGuys
We can round up all sorts of family! And
@abbynormansays
You’d be one of the first officiants on my list!
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To be clear, I am appalled that a bomb threat was made at
#IHOPKC
. End point.
I am equally appalled that it wasn’t taken seriously enough to protect ALL people in that space.
(Continued…h
Hope everyone had a merry Christmas! ICYMI, there was a bomb threat yesterday at the
@ihopkc
prayer room. Everyone was asked to evacuate while the cops and K-9 unit swept the area.
However, the worship team was instructed not to leave the stage and just keep playing in order to
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Pathology update!
6 days post surgery!
Celebrating!!
#breastcancer
#triplenegativebreastcancer
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This is awful! Lou is unhinged!
Lou Engle (a leader of Her Voice Movement) believes the
#metoo
movement is an evil rebellious movement akin to the sin of witchcraft. *Engle is good friends with
#MikeBickle
,
#ihopkc
founder, who is accused of decades of sex abuse and cover-up.
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@jfkantrowitz
I’m an Ennagram 2 so I can get you a coffee and a massage!
This is exactly me 😂 😂 😂
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@EricVolz
@DWAYNEROBERTS
“Current at the time of transfer” absolutely implies that it’s a working document.
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Me: Gives talk at a local gathering
Most people: “Thank you for your talk today, I really needed to hear that.”
That One Guy: “Hey, here’s my more enlightened opinion and here’s how I would have done your talk differently.”
Me:
PS- my talk ROCKED
GIFS appreciated
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So furious! Found my artwork in some website on a freaking coffee mug!! I feel so violated!
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@TheAmberPicota
I’m an enneagram 2 and that’s why I’m so proud of you all the time! (LOL Truth!)
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I’ve been sitting here trying to find words!
@DunningAwen
nailed it.
Your people are grieving
@bennettisaac
, they need compassion and loving-kindness, and they need to see LEADERSHIP repenting!
@bennettisaac
your people need care & love. They’ve been through horrific trauma. A sermon heaping shame upon them is anti-pastoral care. It’s a technique to get them looking at themselves instead of the sin, lies & mismanagement around them from leaders at
@ihopkc
. 💔Sickening.
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@MorganePurvis
@ihopkc
And one current worship leader claims god is whittling down the troops like in Gideon’s story, and people need to trust leadership!
What a horrible message that sends to those who have left in the midst of so much pain!
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I’d like to remind those of you defending
#MikeBickle
to the death, he asked you not to. If you honor and love him so much why aren’t you obeying him?
He said “speak only blessing to them and about them”.
A whole lot of you are doing the opposite.
#ihopkc
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@reachjulieroys
I find it hard to believe that this isn’t part of the master plan. I mean if they didn’t intend for this to play out, they would have required him to sign an NDA.
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Ekkkkkkks! I was just offered an art teaching job for next school year and I am overjoyed!!! Help me celebrate with GIFS because I’m feeling a little sad I can’t go out and celebrate!!!
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@d_l_mayfield
I went expecting “meh” and was so surprised. Yes to reparations, yes to women finding their power inside, yes to strong sisterhood. Had great conversations with my 12 year old daughter afterwards.
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@DunningAwen
@ihopkc
Learning to trust my own voice, and believe that my thoughts and opinions matter.
Believing that I am wise.
Restoring a loss of agency.
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This week a parent who had been listening in on one of my 5th grade art classes (cause teaching virtually is like a perpetual open house) complimented my teaching to my principal and TBH with all the hard of the week- that ONE compliment being passed on to me gave me life.
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Case in point:
The “narrative” being suggested that people are leaving because of a “new assignment” is false, for those whose stories I have heard.
#ihopkc
please don’t act like the people leaving over the last few months have suddenly received new marching orders.
Re: IHOPKC Staff departures & the benevolent "blessing" by
@bennettisaac
and
@ihopkc
leaders for us to pursue other kingdom assignments. Brothers, for once in this horrible process get honest and humbly tell the truth:
1/ Here's the matter, it's still manipulative rubbish. God
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I painted for the first time since my cancer diagnosis. It felt good. This is a constellation of my life journey and the beauty that has grown from it all.
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Imagining your 10 year old frame causes my heart to ache.
Thank you for coming, for choosing me, for changing me, for showing me the way.
Today in the mist of deep pain, I will celebrate the gift of your life. That you were born at all, is one of life’s greatest gifts to me.
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Re: Dr Michael Brown
#ihopkc
And isn’t that the way they would have liked it. After all, you can’t “control the narrative,” with people out there actually using their brains.
I’m always shocked how much they throw around the word “narrative.” 1/3
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Seeing my boy’s name on the pages of a book feels good to my heart! Hurry and buy lots of copies of this book for Christmas gifts- everyone needs a message of HOPE right now!
@johnpavlovitz
THANK YOU my friend!
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“Kidding”
@SHOKidding
is brilliant.
@JimCarrey
carries us through grief and healing in the way only he can do. This show is a gift.
Note- if your grief is fresh, go easy, it might not be time for you yet. (Re: death of a child).
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Ughhh it’s been a hard few days in a row. Grief doesn’t ask permission. You’d think 6 year later, I’d be better at this.
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@ihopkc
This is a start. There is so much more to uncover. 3rd party investigation must happen now! These women that you just apologized to deserve more. It should never have taken this long for you to make a statement of this nature.
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I can NOT handle reading even one more post about how selfish teachers are. I just can’t do it. I’ve been in hours and hours of meetings this week, and I can tell you this- teachers are working hard and caring deeply with creativity, compassion and professionalism.
#TeacherStrong
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@baddestmamajama
30 years ago I was selling t-shirts for a band; he kept coming back to buy more. He got my number from a mutual, but took a couple weeks to get up the nerve to call. Mutual actually dialed and shoved the phone in his face. Engaged 2 months later, married 5 months after that.
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@HeatherTDay
Me to random guy: I just ended a long relationship, I’m not dating right now.
Me 2 weeks later: meets and goes out with my now-husband and gets engaged 2 months later.
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Dot Day celebration with
@peterhreynolds
is underway with this giant school wide mural!
#artteacher
#teacher
#dotday
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Today was a GOOD day!
Tomorrow is my 2nd chemo- lots of feelings. I know what to expect, & yet, I don’t. I did it before, so I know I can do it again!
But my students filled my tank this week, & I’m ready w/ enough joy and courage to get me thru this.
#breastcancer
#breasties
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If the pandemic has allowed you the gift of time to create, produce and get things done. I see you. Well done.
If the pandemic has paralyzed you and your creativity feels blocked and stagnant. If just getting up in the morning is hard. I see you. Take care of yourself.
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Let’s just think for a minute, “church discipline” has done NOTHING to support victims at
#ihopkc
over the years. “Church discipline” has shamed and gaslit those coming forward to get support from church leaders, the ELT/Mike; and has minimized/covered crimes/defended perps.
One lie that had been propagated in this IHOPKC fiasco has been that the Advocate Group “Went to the Press” and that is not how you deal with church discipline.
Can I say that no one initially went to the press. It’s strange but the press somehow have a way of sniffing out
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@PeterKuskis
I will add that I left in the midst of deep personal trauma with zero pastoral care given. I’m not arrogant to think the role I filled couldn’t be filled my someone else. I am saying that to not even acknowledge someone’s contributions or notice that they’re gone is grievous.
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I’ve lost my job for the next 2 weeks, or longer. My husband’s hours were cut in half, most likely will completely disappear within the week. So if anyone has been thinking about commissioning a painting to celebrate their life or memorialize the life of someone they love DM me.
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@KatecBowler
No one told me that grief felt so much like the amputation of part of my soul.
No one told me that grief felt so much like hoping for my next breath to appear and sometimes wishing it wouldn’t.
No one told me grief felt so much like I am a stranger in my own body.
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Today was hard but we did it.
And now we wait.
100 reasons why it was hard.
But I’m too tired to talk about any of them.
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If you liked my living room accent wall, here’s a shot of my entry way! This was my first quarantine project! I love how welcoming this feels.
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Yes, this is exactly what grief does. Thank you
@Sarcasticluther
for letting your heart bleed out loud, “I’m crying because This grief has opened the door and let in so much other grief, and I don’t know how to uninvited its friends to this party.”
#BecauseOfRHE
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@ThompsonMa9811
@starcazm
Many “fine people” end up realizing they were part of a cult.
I am one of them.
No one says “I know I’m going to join a cult.”
Cults are formed by manipulative, narcissistic leaders.
Mike Bickle is one of them.
IHOP is a cult.
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I’m happy to see this exceeding the goal amount, but don’t let that stop you from giving. Grief & all that comes w/ it is devastating on so many levels. Financial support doesn’t fix it, but adding financial stress to grief is hell. Let’s make sure
@ShannonDingle
is cared for.
I’m overwhelmed by all the love as i figure out life without my love after a freak accident. Some friends just created this, and I am so grateful.
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@DrMichaelLBrown
@ihopkc
Dr. Brown, you mention repeatedly the idea that “brothers” were not able to come together on this, and you also mention pulling together a team of international leaders to step in, may I suggest that you include some “SISTERS” in on this next phase. We need some women’s voices.
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“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay w/ us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing & face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Henri Nouwen 3/3
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More and more Christians are beginning to understand this; that our faith tradition has gotten it wrong regarding sexuality, the same way it has regarding the worth of women, the plague of slavery, interracial marriage, the violence against non-Christians, and on and on.
"Being gay is not a sin.
Neither is being lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.
The Bible never claims that it is.
It really doesn't.
Christians should stop saying it, because it's killing people."
#SundayMorning
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@jamieleefinch
@rachelheldevans
I saw this today and loved it. So maybe that “every cell in my body” thing is just that “an act of love.”
Prayer was never meant to be magic,' Mother said.
'Then why bother with it?' Suzy scowled.
'Because it's an act of love,' Mother said.
Madeline L'Engle
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